Breaking my silence...

It's been a while since I blogged. People (aka my sister) told me it was time for another. I blamed it on being busy and not having time, but the truth is I wasn't ready yet. I've been throwing a fit with the Lord and I wasn't quite finished and hadn't gotten to "learning the lesson" part yet. Whining on my blog does not bring glory to Him. So I waited…until now.

**Warning: long blog post ahead**

So my toddler temper tantrum…I was mad at God. And if you know me, you might have been able to read through the lines in my previous posts. I tried to play it off with humor, but I was just trying to mask it. You see, I wanted a baby. I wanted to start from scratch. I didn't want to have to worry about time outs and not being able to spank when they yelled "no!" back at me. And I was going to let Him know about it.

I was calloused toward Little Miss (especially) and Little Man. They were not what I pictured for our family. And I was taking it out on them (not like beating them or anything just being harder on them). I knew it but I didn't know how to change it. I wasn't finished throwing my fit. I didn't understand why I was acting like this. This seemed so un-me to not be loving and silly with kids.

Cue first road trip as a family of six. I am not elaborating when I say it was the road trip from hell. I have a voice memo to prove it if you don't believe me. You can read more about our Thanksgiving experience HERE.

We finally arrived at Mitchell Thanksgiving and I was just in a bad mood. I was tired of kids screaming. I was tired of all of them needing something (selfless I know…). There were 23 of us in that house that weekend. Of that, 13 were kids. Tell me that's not an equation for a relaxing weekend. My SIL with the two older kids was a lifesaver that weekend. Helping get the kids food, feeding them, entertaining them. I begged her to come back home with us several times!

That night one of my BIL's who does foster to adopt, as well, changed my life. I explained to him that I was really struggling with this whole "having a girl" thing. And if we were asked tomorrow if we would adopt them I didn't know what I would say. I know, you're all like "What?! You're not attached to them?!" right…I wasn't (a month in) and that was what I was working through. He told me the simplest thing that just knocked the breath out of me…"It's ok to say no." What?? People do this and say no? That's where I was struggling. I felt so isolated thinking I was the only person to do this thing and not feel attached or feel guilty when I was leaning toward no. It's always so romanticized "We got the call and it was love at first sight…never imagined our family a different way." (I've not heard people say that it's just what I imagine…) I wasn't ready to say no or throw in the towel, but hearing that lifted a huge burden.

The next night after all our littles were in bed my SIL (with the older kids) invited me to sit with her and to breathe :) And the Lord orchestrated the perfect conversation between us at the perfect time. She called me out with the whole throwing a fit thing. She told me that she was so blessed by reading my blog…at the beginning. It was like she was getting a front row seat with my relationship with the Lord, but that had changed in the last few posts. She said, "You're not abiding anymore." BAM. I knew it. I just hadn't been called out on it. She asked why and I said "I'm throwing a fit and I'm not done yet." (Oh Emmanuel, thank you for Your grace and mercy toward me.) We then began to talk about spiritual warfare. And the difference between crazy and chaos. Chaos is what the enemy uses to distract and to pull away and isolate. I was right in the middle of it and I didn't even know it. There was a battle going on for these kids and I wasn't doing my job defending them. The enemy will do anything to keep those kids from receiving the love that they so desperately need from the Lord.

I so needed that time with her directing me back to the Source. Another SIL pointed out that the actions I was so frustrated with with Little Miss (deliberate rebellion, yelling back in disrespect) was kinda the same thing I was doing to the Lord. Ouch. The Lord was starting to break through, but I still wasn't completely through with my fit. Now I don't want you to think that my in-laws just beat me up that weekend. I was asking for their advice and they gave it in love because they care for me. And I am truly blessed to have in-laws who truly love me enough to say the hard things to me if needed.

That next Monday we had a 2 hour visitation with mom. I dropped them off and Little Man cried when I handed him over. Mom said, "Aw I think he kinda likes you." Um….I don't even know what to say. Yea I guess so since he thinks I'm his mom?! I didn't though. I just blamed his fussiness on the antibiotics he was on. When I picked them up Little Miss got into the car without a tear or a fuss! What!? Thank You Lord!

Next road trip…5 stinkin' hours. Hallelujah. Praise Jesus. This was the miracle car ride that I had been waiting for!! While in Palestine, I spoke with family risking them finding out my true feelings. I heard all kinds of advice and opinions. And I can not tell you how hard it is to have the people you trust the most and value advice from saying different things. I don't make decisions well by myself. Example: I just started putting Christmas decorations up and I arranged 3 little trees then immediately sent a picture to my SIL to make sure it was ok. I do that all the time with every. little. thing. To hear "you gave it a shot maybe it's not for you guys"… and from someone else "you would seriously say no to them?!" That doesn't make it easy on this indecisive momma! Maybe that's the Lord saying "you and Jonathan and Me. That's it. We're doing this."  People are going to make judgements whatever you do, right? :)

What I was feeling was really similar to postpartum depression. Is that even possible when you don't actually have the kid?! I don't know but it makes the most sense in describing what I was feeling. The Lord, once again, orchestrated a great conversation between Jonathan and I on our way back to Abilene. I was able to really flush out what I was thinking and feeling and having Jonathan balance it out. I'm not going to see a doctor or get on medication (although I think there is a time and place for that). I'm going to work this one out with the Lord. It's a heart issue that needs to be dealt with. I have also started praying "Lord, if this is me being guarded to prevent hurt down the road I don't want to be guarded. I'm not a good mom like this. And if allowing myself to get attached and loving them better means it will hurt worse in the end I don't care. I just don't like me when I'm like this."

He is so gracious. And it's not an over night kind of change. Because they will continue to push my buttons and have, but I can see a change in my attitude. And when I am calmer and more patient by being filled with the Holy Spirit the kids are more calm. What?! :) And when we have calm days like that I don't let a second go by without giving Him the praise!! It's truly a miracle if they all 4 are playing nicely together!!

I know I've said it before, but this is therapeutic for me. Writing things out. Keeping track of where the Lord shows me His hand. Getting to flush things out. If you've made it to the end I hope you've been able to find some encouragement as the Lord works through my heart issue. Being angry is not a sin, but when the anger stems from a heart issue you've got to deal with it.

Thanksgiving - Family of 6 style

So our first road trip as a family of 6 was for Mitchell Thanksgiving. This was the worst. road. trip. ever. And I'm not even being dramatic. I have a recording to prove it.

It was sleeting as poor Jonathan was putting our "boat" on top of the car. I was stressing trying to make sure we had everything packed for 6 people. We were also preparing a meal for the 23 of us that were going to be there that weekend (13 being kids).

Thirty minutes into our trip...

- Little Man fell asleep (how this happened with all the screaming I'm not sure).

- I had to stretch my body through this to tighten Luke's car seat (yes we left without tightening him, parents of the year) that's him in the very back...

- Parker is yelling "Get me out of here!!"

- Little Miss apparently didn't like that Little Man was sleeping and leaned over and yelled at him, "Wake up!!" I don't take kindly to people who wake up my kids. My other kids included.

- (he may kill me for blogging this one day but…) Luke was crying and yelling because his tummy was hurting. We made it all of 10 minutes down the road before we had to stop for him to try to poop. With no success.

I think it was at the end of the first 30 minutes Jonathan pulled over to spank Parker because he would not stop yelling. He still wouldn't stop so I moved to the "not a seat at all" seat here…me and the cooler were tight after this.

Probably not the wisest parenting move at the time, but I didn't care. I did not want to stop again! I'm sure you can tell what level of caring I was at by my expression...

This is how I spent the remainder of our trip to Kaufman. And of course they fall asleep 5 minutes after me moving back there… and the two littles start yelling. I tell ya…

We survived the crazy of that many people under one roof and enjoyed the conversations we had. (Can read more about those conversations HERE.) We had a huge Thanksgiving dinner that was awesome and enjoyed the "Newly Wed Game". I think we tied for second place. There aren't a lot of pictures I can post because of the littles and Jonathan's sister and brother in law have 2 foster kids as well.

Our next Thanksgiving was to Palestine for the Taylor side. Family loved finally being able to meet our littles and they adjusted quickly to the farm. I loved being able to see my baby Shane again! I hadn't gotten to see him since he was born! :( I may have been a baby hoarder…sorry family…

 This was Mom trying to put out the grease fire in the grill while Dad, Jonathan & Bek were hunting!

The kids enjoyed adventures on the farm and I got to have a ladies only lunch away! A little less stressful this time, but still an adjustment!

We have already decided we will be needing a Uhaul for our Christmas trips! I'm not even kidding… stay tuned for pics! Ha!

Fridays are hard....

I'm learning quickly that Fridays are hard on our family. The range of emotions I'm feeling is exhausting. 

It starts with being stressed about packing lunches for the littles for visitation, then new diapers/potty run (and of course one chooses that's the perfect time to poop!), then loading four kids in the car (Parker was loosing it because I just ran out of time to put socks and shoes on him), driving crazy (but safely of course) to get to the appointment on time! 

Then it's a rush of happiness as I see Little Miss' reaction to seeing mom. And seeing mom tear up seeing her babies. And mom's appreciation for what we're doing blesses me so much. 

Then it's the quiet ride home missing two kids. And I'm sad we're missing half of our crazy. 

Today was the first time I noticed Luke getting really emotional about it himself.  As we were pulling out of the parking lot Luke said, "Mom, I really miss my sister." I look in the mirror at him to see him wiping tears from his eyes. I explained we would be back to get them in a little bit. But also took this time to explain our goal of reunification. How do you explain that to a 4 year old?! I'm not going to give him details about why mom can't have her own kids.  So I just say "Sometimes mommies and daddies aren't able to take care of their kids. It's not a safe place or they're sick. So CPS (that's another difficult one to explain) puts kids in a safe place until their home is safe again." Slowly hitting him he asks, "So then they'll be gone forever?!?" And I lost it. And had to break my kids heart and say "Yes. If their mommy gets better." 

It's one thing for me to have all these emotions, but to see my 4 year old start to understand and feel the emotions...it's hard for this momma's heart. I know the Lord has called us to this. And I know He knew how it would effect my kids. It's still hard to see your kid cry over his "sister". 

We are excited as the holidays quickly approach. And we get to share the littles with our family (we haven't been able to send pictures). We are also a tad apprehensive as we plan and pack for our first road trip as a family of 6 in an explorer. Jonathan is a little more excited that our car now screams "Griswold family vacation"... 

Wave and honk if you see us... I'll be the one with the really big hat, scarf and sunglasses....

He remains faithful

I don't normally blog this much about our life, but I have found it to be therapeutic almost to write things out as I process them. And the Lord is revealing so much to me through this process that I wanted to share with others who are thinking of going down this road of fostering kids.

I heard over and over it was going to be hard. I knew that was true I just didn't know what kind of "hard" it was going to be. I mean, adding another child to your family is hard. Having a baby in the house is hard. Adding two kids 2 years old and under is hard. I thought the Lord and I had a deal you see. After having an infant and a 2 year old I was ready to put some more space between Mitchell baby #3. Like at least 3 years... So when we signed up to become foster parents I wrote down 0-1 years. I like babies. I'm good with babies. That's my comfort zone. Jonathan not so much so he wanted me to write down 18 months or a little older as our highest cut off. We compromised and technically wrote 0-1 yrs on the paperwork but would be willing to discuss a child who was older.

I can tell you now, from experience, it's hard. I wanted 3 years between Parker and the next child. The Lord gave me 2 months. I wanted an infant. The Lord gave me a 15 month old. I am starting to think He doesn't want me to be comfortable in the little comfort zone I had in mind! I also think that sometimes He puts things in front of us to get our attention. Would I have been stretched out on the floor on my face before Him with one baby? No. Honestly, I would have gotten into a schedule and would have carried on with my life like before in my own strength. If I am not plugging in to the Lord it gets ugly. Fast.

Jonathan called me out (in love of course!) the other day after hearing I used nap time to catch up on Parks and Recreation on Netflix. A reminder to ask the Holy Spirit to fill me every minute, hour and day instead of selfishly vegging on the couch thinking "I've earned a little down time." Today marks 2 weeks since the littles came into our home. And wanting to share all sides of this thing (not just the pretty side)...I've already questioned the Lord (several times) this week if He made a mistake. I think "Lord, this is too hard. This is too much. Are you sure this is what You want?" Yesterday morning I read from 2 Timothy 2 and it kicked me in the gut. "if we are faithless, He remains faithful - for He cannot deny Himself." It put a word to what I was feeling...faithless. Ouch. And what a beautiful reminder that even though I am faithless He will always be faithful because that's who He is. He can't not be faithful. Oh how I don't deserve His love and faithfulness. And in moment's like this it brings tears to my eyes.

He is refining me. He is bringing the selfishness inside of me out so He can scrape it away. He's showing me the expectations and plans that I had and showing me that I need to let go. I am currently in a stand off with Little Miss about finishing her breakfast. I'm pretty sure she's not finishing to spite me. And even in something as petty as finishing breakfast the Lord is revealing that my fuse is pretty short when it comes to kids eating their food. Really?! Who cares! Apparently I do. Turns out my fuse is short with a lot of things...fixing girl hair (I'm clueless!!), the amount of shrieking girls do, the amount of crying girls do, the whole having 4 kids running around chaos thing.

As frustrated as I get with the Lord for allowing chaos to come in to my comfortable order...I am also amazed at what a personal God He is to His children. Yes, He is using us to share His love with these kids and provide a safe home. But simultaneously, He is opening my eyes to the issues I needed to deal with that wouldn't have been brought up without a chaotic situation. I keep thinking things will settle down and we'll find a groove, but I'm pretty sure this is how our normal is going to look for a while.

We have our second scheduled visitation with mom today. And we will be filling out the paperwork with our agency to have the littles officially placed with us. Basically what that means is that we will be their medical consent and officially be their foster parents.

And I have to give a huge shout out to our friends who have fed us the past two weeks!!! I would like to write thank you notes to all of you, but it may not be until next year. And I was told by one that I would be slapped if I wrote her a thank you note. I don't think I can out run her so I'll just thank you all publicly! :)

A lot of firsts...

Today marks 1 week since we grew to a family of six. It's been a really hard week, but so rewarding already.

I had our first meeting with the kids' CPS worker. Turns out she lives in our neighborhood! I was able to learn about their story and their family and get a better idea of where they were coming from. She got their clothes sizes and said she would go shopping for them (b/c let's be honest I don't have time to shop!). We also set up a time for weekly visitation with mom. Our CPS worker told us that mom is expecting baby #3 and has been doing much better within the past month. It had been difficult for visitations before because they were placed out of town.

I asked the CPS worker a few questions about what to expect for the first visitation and, since we live in the same town, what's "protocol" if I happen to run into her around town?? (Some of the concerns racing through my head: I don't know what she looks like! What if she approaches me? How do I shove 4 kids in the car quickly if she's dangerous? I don't know if I want her seeing my kids! What if she follows me home?) Their worker told me that mom is a very calm person. If she happened to see us out somewhere she would probably just talk my ear off. If I was uncomfortable and told the kids to leave she would pick up on it and walk away. So now I feel somewhat better but just on edge about leaving the house. If you don't know me well you have to know that I am not a confrontational person. If I have to have a "tough" conversation with someone I like a few days to prepare my thoughts. If I'm not expecting it I shut down.

We finished our meeting and we got ready for our neighborhood block party that was happening at our house for Halloween. The kids all had a blast and it brought me such joy to see Little Miss running around with the other kids! She is so shy and has retreated anytime someone new comes over. Can't post pictures of them, but here are the older ones in their "mom didn't take any pictures during Halloween and had to recreate the next morning" costume pictures...

 

HUGE shout out to my friend, Kayla, who made costumes on Halloween a possibility for all of these kids!! I had promised Luke I would make a Ninja Turtle costume for Halloween and then our kids doubled and there was no way that was happening! She let us borrow Ninja Turtle stuff and I pinned a yellow piece of card stock on for his turtle belly. All I had around the house for Parker was superhero cape and mask they play with all the time. I drew up his "Super P" and pinned it on! Little Miss got her very own Minnie Mouse costume from Kayla and she adored it. Oh my gosh she looked super cute! And Little Man was a cowboy who didn't fit into the boots we had around the house and didn't keep the cowboy hat on :)

So this morning I'm trying to prepare for our first visitation with mom. They had already assured me that they could come down and get them out of the car for me so I didn't have to haul 4 kids inside. I started loading up 30 minutes before our scheduled time because it was the first time I had gotten all 4 in by myself. Turns out it didn't take 30 minutes :) We headed out and Jonathan called. He asked if I had left and I told him we were just pulling out of the neighborhood. He said ok I just wanted to pray over you really quick. Can't turn that down! He prayed for a smooth time with the kids and mom and protection over me and the boys.

I pulled up, texted the CPS worker that we were there and then walked around to Little Miss' side to redo her car seat hair. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed someone approaching us. I looked and there was who I assumed to be mom walking over to my car. I asked if she was mom and she said yes. Little Miss saw her and smiled so big and reached out for her. This was such a God thing for me. I didn't know when they had seen her last, I didn't know how they would react. It warmed my heart to see her reaction to her momma. I explained I was still learning how to do girl hair and handed her the rubber band to take over! Ha! I walked around and got Little Man out and handed him over with their bag. I watched her walk them into the building and immediately called their worker to let her know they were headed her way.

This season in our life is blowing me away! I love to see how the Lord specifically orchestrates things for our growing family. He nudged Jonathan to call and pray protection over me. He went ahead and took care of me worrying about when I would run into mom! Ha! He has given me such a love for mom and an urgency to pray for reunification for this family. I am proud of her. I just met her and I barely know her, but she is making an effort and I applaud that.

We still have a long road ahead of us. But I'm handing over my worry and anxiety to Him. I can not give the Lord enough glory for the change He's done in Jonathan and I's hearts. Our first reaction to hearing all the yuck this family has gone through is not one of judgement. But of brokenness and compassion. I can not stress enough that it is not because we are really good people. It is ONLY because of what the Lord has done inside of us.

I waited for the kids to walk back out to the car and I prayed. I saw them coming out and Little Miss was already starting to cry. She knew what was coming and I prayed I'd be able to hold the tears back myself. I put Little Man in his seat and helped mom get Little Miss in hers. She said her goodbyes and I gave her a hug. I looked at her and I told her I was so proud of her and that I was praying for her. And that was all I could get out before the tears welled up. I want her to know that we are on her side. We are not trying to take her kids away. We are praying for chains to be broken and for Jesus to rush in and make what was yucky whole again. Little Miss and I sobbed the whole way home. I was now the bad guy taking her away from mom. It broke my heart to see her look at me like that.

I knew I would probably cry a lot on this journey. I wasn't expecting it to be like this. It's a dangerous thing to pray that the Lord would break your heart for what breaks His. He's done it. And I'm undone. We recovered over lunch and it's still nap time. I had my "mother of 4 under 4" lunch of sour cream and onion chips and Halloween candy. One day I'll eat normal food again.

Thank you for coming along for this journey. I hope you can find encouragement in it. I really just want to write down and share what the Lord is doing in our family. Stay tuned for more crazy!

Crazy time has arrived!

The day we were verified to become foster to adopt parents I had been a tornado of anxiety! The nursery wasn't completely decorated! How could I bring a baby in there without decorations on the wall?! We got the baby car seat down from the attic. I got bottles down to wash. I had so many projects I wanted to complete. And then sat on the edge of my seat looking at my phone ready to get the call.

A few days later I got a phone call with an Abilene area code and about had a heart attack. Turns out it was our new case manager wanting to set up a meeting to meet us and the boys and see our home. We set it up for later that week and my heart rate slowed back down. Later that week I went to my women's Bible study. They were asking about the latest and I shared my funny story about the panic attack phone call. And then phone rang again with an Abilene number and again I had another heart attack. False alarm... again. Our case manager needed to change the time for our meeting. Sheesh! I had a hard time concentrating that morning at Bible study!

On Thursday, almost two weeks after we had been verified, Parker and I were on our way to run errands after dropping Luke off at school. I prayed as I was driving, "Lord, I'm not good at this patiently waiting thing. It's really stressing me out worrying about the phone ringing. I'm giving this to you. You know how much I like to plan and be in control so please pry it out of my hands if you have to. It's Yours." My boys were also getting ready for their annual Mitchell boys camp out later that week. And to, you know, help the Lord out... I reminded him that the boys would be gone a whole weekend and it would be a great time to get a baby. I could have one on one time figuring out schedules, baby could have time to adjust, and we'd have a slow merge into crazy town. Of course I added a "but whatever You think Lord..." to the end. 

My boys left Friday after lunch and I began to move things over to my neighbors garage for their garage sale. (God's hand moment: I was going to have a garage sale while the boys were gone, then didn't feel comfortable doing it by myself without Jonathan here. Found out my neighbors were already having one that same weekend and they let me add some stuff.)

Probably 2 hours after they left I got a phone call. And I thought, "This is it!" A case manager told me they had a sibling group that needed to be moved. Keep in mind our paperwork said "one child, 0-1 yrs" Neither of these kiddos fit into that age range. I called Jonathan to see what we should do. He said, "Let's do it!" And after having a small panic attack I made the call and it was settled. I had not one but two little ones coming. So what was the first thing I did? I called my mom totally freaking out. She couldn't even understand what I was saying because I was crying so much. And then she asked the thing that great moms ask, "Do you need me to come?" And not wanting to scream "Yes! Are you not in the car already?!?" I said, "Well I don't want you to have to cancel any plans...." She answered, "If you need me to come I'll come." And then I wrapped my head around it again and said, "Yea... I'm kinda freaking out. If you can come that would be great." She made some phone calls, threw clothes in a bag and was on her way. (God's hand moment: my dad was flying in to Dallas that afternoon and it worked out where she picked him up and they both came out to help!)

After I got off the phone with my mom I started to run around cleaning my house. It was a tornado because I was going to clean while my boys were gone...with no children to get in my way. Ha! I told a few friends what was happening and they immediately went into action. One called to see if I wanted a drink from Chickfila then when she found out I had forgotten to eat lunch she brought me food. She also took the rest of the bottles to wash at her house so I could keep cleaning. One cried and freaked out with me then had a conversation with the Lord about our crazy town that I had not been able to get to yet. She prayed for these kids coming into my home, she prayed for my boys away on a trip and through the Lord speaking to her...she reminded me that the Lord was in control and He would provide for our new family of six. One made diaper and wipe bags for them because I was about to have 3 in diapers. She also bought some girl clothes because I don't have any of that. We are so truly blessed by the friendships the Lord has given us. To have an incredible support group like this makes it a little easier to wrap our head around 4 kids under 4!

The Lord is funny. He knew that I would have been a little too confident in my own flesh with just one child fitting perfectly into our little specifications we set. As crazy as this time with four kids has been I am truly grateful that He has blessed us with this burden. A constant reminder to throw myself down at the foot of the cross and say "I can't Lord... but I know You can." Everywhere I look I see His hand all in it! 

The boys came home from their weekend away and have slowly adjusted. It didn't take long before they were playing and fighting like siblings! They have really done so well with this change and haven't complained once. 

I am constantly doing laundry and dishes. And hardly have time to sit down! But I am going to take advantage of the time I have with these kids. And I'm going to love them, nurture them and point them to the cross. We would appreciate your prayers as we continue to adjust. The car situation is definitely a little tricky. We call all fit in our Explorer, but that leaves no room for a stroller. We did just go on Luke's field trip and Jonathan took off of work to help me with four kids at a farm! He's been an incredible help and support!!  

Our Life's About to get Crazy!

Our family is growing! After over a year of talking it over and praying we have decided to become foster parents.

just a little paperwork

You know when I was in high school I could see myself having a foster home and taking care of lots of kids. That kind of got pushed to the back when we had our boys. I was worried that if we ever decided to do that there was too much at chance. If you don't know me well I'm a bit of an OCD planner... The idea of taking a child in and loving them like one of my own kids and then have them return home crushed me. So I started worrying about the opposite. Would I not allow myself to go "all in" loving another child to prevent heartbreak? I actually remember having a conversation with Jonathan's sister after they had decided to become foster to adopt parents. I said one of the things you're apparently not supposed to say to someone in that situation..."Oh I could never do that!"

The Lord has a funny way of working things out when we say we'll "never" do something. You should also know that we had been discussing for over a year that we would start "trying" for another baby Fall 2013. Jonathan came to me one day and said, "I think we should consider foster to adopt instead of having a baby." What?! Did you not hear me say never?! I began to whine express my frustration about not having a baby of our own. I told him I would pray about it but the Lord was going to have to change my heart about being pregnant.

It didn't even take a week and I was over it. The Lord had changed my selfish heart and given me a heart for the babies that were in Abilene who needed a Mommy. Jonathan and I have become very convicted in our preparations that we aren't promised tomorrow with Luke or Parker. Just because they are our biological kids doesn't mean the Lord will give us another tomorrow with them. It's made us intentional about praying over our kids. Giving them over to the Lord because they aren't ours they're His. And He chose to bless US with the privilege of pointing them back to Jesus. That's changed our mindset with fostering to adopt. We are to be intentional with whoever comes into our house. It is our responsibility to share the love, grace and salvation of Jesus.

You know what I've learned in this whole process? I can't do it. Not in my own strength or flesh. Not even close. This will probably be the hardest thing we've ever done and I'm so grateful for it because it will constantly push us to the foot of the cross. I know we will probably have heartache but I know God is in control and we can rest in His sovereignty.

This has already been so stressful for me! So I like to plan...how do you plan for a child that you don't know the gender, age or size of?! Or when they're coming?! I think the Lord's preparing me for a long road of unknowns and un-plannable situations. I'm so excited about having a baby in our home and I'm so nervous! We were verified this afternoon. So we're in the system and just waiting for a phone call. On the way out of the office I told Jonathan that I have been nervous all day! He asked why and I just told him, "Our water is about to break. And it could be anytime!!!" He got a laugh out of that. 

But seriously, thank you to our friends and family who have shown so much support and encouragement in this. From paperwork, references and praying over our future children. This process would be impossible without a good support system and we thank the Lord for you! Stay tuned for more crazy!