He remains faithful

I don't normally blog this much about our life, but I have found it to be therapeutic almost to write things out as I process them. And the Lord is revealing so much to me through this process that I wanted to share with others who are thinking of going down this road of fostering kids.

I heard over and over it was going to be hard. I knew that was true I just didn't know what kind of "hard" it was going to be. I mean, adding another child to your family is hard. Having a baby in the house is hard. Adding two kids 2 years old and under is hard. I thought the Lord and I had a deal you see. After having an infant and a 2 year old I was ready to put some more space between Mitchell baby #3. Like at least 3 years... So when we signed up to become foster parents I wrote down 0-1 years. I like babies. I'm good with babies. That's my comfort zone. Jonathan not so much so he wanted me to write down 18 months or a little older as our highest cut off. We compromised and technically wrote 0-1 yrs on the paperwork but would be willing to discuss a child who was older.

I can tell you now, from experience, it's hard. I wanted 3 years between Parker and the next child. The Lord gave me 2 months. I wanted an infant. The Lord gave me a 15 month old. I am starting to think He doesn't want me to be comfortable in the little comfort zone I had in mind! I also think that sometimes He puts things in front of us to get our attention. Would I have been stretched out on the floor on my face before Him with one baby? No. Honestly, I would have gotten into a schedule and would have carried on with my life like before in my own strength. If I am not plugging in to the Lord it gets ugly. Fast.

Jonathan called me out (in love of course!) the other day after hearing I used nap time to catch up on Parks and Recreation on Netflix. A reminder to ask the Holy Spirit to fill me every minute, hour and day instead of selfishly vegging on the couch thinking "I've earned a little down time." Today marks 2 weeks since the littles came into our home. And wanting to share all sides of this thing (not just the pretty side)...I've already questioned the Lord (several times) this week if He made a mistake. I think "Lord, this is too hard. This is too much. Are you sure this is what You want?" Yesterday morning I read from 2 Timothy 2 and it kicked me in the gut. "if we are faithless, He remains faithful - for He cannot deny Himself." It put a word to what I was feeling...faithless. Ouch. And what a beautiful reminder that even though I am faithless He will always be faithful because that's who He is. He can't not be faithful. Oh how I don't deserve His love and faithfulness. And in moment's like this it brings tears to my eyes.

He is refining me. He is bringing the selfishness inside of me out so He can scrape it away. He's showing me the expectations and plans that I had and showing me that I need to let go. I am currently in a stand off with Little Miss about finishing her breakfast. I'm pretty sure she's not finishing to spite me. And even in something as petty as finishing breakfast the Lord is revealing that my fuse is pretty short when it comes to kids eating their food. Really?! Who cares! Apparently I do. Turns out my fuse is short with a lot of things...fixing girl hair (I'm clueless!!), the amount of shrieking girls do, the amount of crying girls do, the whole having 4 kids running around chaos thing.

As frustrated as I get with the Lord for allowing chaos to come in to my comfortable order...I am also amazed at what a personal God He is to His children. Yes, He is using us to share His love with these kids and provide a safe home. But simultaneously, He is opening my eyes to the issues I needed to deal with that wouldn't have been brought up without a chaotic situation. I keep thinking things will settle down and we'll find a groove, but I'm pretty sure this is how our normal is going to look for a while.

We have our second scheduled visitation with mom today. And we will be filling out the paperwork with our agency to have the littles officially placed with us. Basically what that means is that we will be their medical consent and officially be their foster parents.

And I have to give a huge shout out to our friends who have fed us the past two weeks!!! I would like to write thank you notes to all of you, but it may not be until next year. And I was told by one that I would be slapped if I wrote her a thank you note. I don't think I can out run her so I'll just thank you all publicly! :)