I had our first meeting with the kids' CPS worker. Turns out she lives in our neighborhood! I was able to learn about their story and their family and get a better idea of where they were coming from. She got their clothes sizes and said she would go shopping for them (b/c let's be honest I don't have time to shop!). We also set up a time for weekly visitation with mom. Our CPS worker told us that mom is expecting baby #3 and has been doing much better within the past month. It had been difficult for visitations before because they were placed out of town.
I asked the CPS worker a few questions about what to expect for the first visitation and, since we live in the same town, what's "protocol" if I happen to run into her around town?? (Some of the concerns racing through my head: I don't know what she looks like! What if she approaches me? How do I shove 4 kids in the car quickly if she's dangerous? I don't know if I want her seeing my kids! What if she follows me home?) Their worker told me that mom is a very calm person. If she happened to see us out somewhere she would probably just talk my ear off. If I was uncomfortable and told the kids to leave she would pick up on it and walk away. So now I feel somewhat better but just on edge about leaving the house. If you don't know me well you have to know that I am not a confrontational person. If I have to have a "tough" conversation with someone I like a few days to prepare my thoughts. If I'm not expecting it I shut down.
We finished our meeting and we got ready for our neighborhood block party that was happening at our house for Halloween. The kids all had a blast and it brought me such joy to see Little Miss running around with the other kids! She is so shy and has retreated anytime someone new comes over. Can't post pictures of them, but here are the older ones in their "mom didn't take any pictures during Halloween and had to recreate the next morning" costume pictures...
So this morning I'm trying to prepare for our first visitation with mom. They had already assured me that they could come down and get them out of the car for me so I didn't have to haul 4 kids inside. I started loading up 30 minutes before our scheduled time because it was the first time I had gotten all 4 in by myself. Turns out it didn't take 30 minutes :) We headed out and Jonathan called. He asked if I had left and I told him we were just pulling out of the neighborhood. He said ok I just wanted to pray over you really quick. Can't turn that down! He prayed for a smooth time with the kids and mom and protection over me and the boys.
I pulled up, texted the CPS worker that we were there and then walked around to Little Miss' side to redo her car seat hair. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed someone approaching us. I looked and there was who I assumed to be mom walking over to my car. I asked if she was mom and she said yes. Little Miss saw her and smiled so big and reached out for her. This was such a God thing for me. I didn't know when they had seen her last, I didn't know how they would react. It warmed my heart to see her reaction to her momma. I explained I was still learning how to do girl hair and handed her the rubber band to take over! Ha! I walked around and got Little Man out and handed him over with their bag. I watched her walk them into the building and immediately called their worker to let her know they were headed her way.
This season in our life is blowing me away! I love to see how the Lord specifically orchestrates things for our growing family. He nudged Jonathan to call and pray protection over me. He went ahead and took care of me worrying about when I would run into mom! Ha! He has given me such a love for mom and an urgency to pray for reunification for this family. I am proud of her. I just met her and I barely know her, but she is making an effort and I applaud that.
We still have a long road ahead of us. But I'm handing over my worry and anxiety to Him. I can not give the Lord enough glory for the change He's done in Jonathan and I's hearts. Our first reaction to hearing all the yuck this family has gone through is not one of judgement. But of brokenness and compassion. I can not stress enough that it is not because we are really good people. It is ONLY because of what the Lord has done inside of us.
I waited for the kids to walk back out to the car and I prayed. I saw them coming out and Little Miss was already starting to cry. She knew what was coming and I prayed I'd be able to hold the tears back myself. I put Little Man in his seat and helped mom get Little Miss in hers. She said her goodbyes and I gave her a hug. I looked at her and I told her I was so proud of her and that I was praying for her. And that was all I could get out before the tears welled up. I want her to know that we are on her side. We are not trying to take her kids away. We are praying for chains to be broken and for Jesus to rush in and make what was yucky whole again. Little Miss and I sobbed the whole way home. I was now the bad guy taking her away from mom. It broke my heart to see her look at me like that.
I knew I would probably cry a lot on this journey. I wasn't expecting it to be like this. It's a dangerous thing to pray that the Lord would break your heart for what breaks His. He's done it. And I'm undone. We recovered over lunch and it's still nap time. I had my "mother of 4 under 4" lunch of sour cream and onion chips and Halloween candy. One day I'll eat normal food again.
Thank you for coming along for this journey. I hope you can find encouragement in it. I really just want to write down and share what the Lord is doing in our family. Stay tuned for more crazy!
I think it's so admirable that y'all are allowing the Lord to use you in these children's lives in such a powerful and sacrificial way. I will pray for you!
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