Breaking my silence...

It's been a while since I blogged. People (aka my sister) told me it was time for another. I blamed it on being busy and not having time, but the truth is I wasn't ready yet. I've been throwing a fit with the Lord and I wasn't quite finished and hadn't gotten to "learning the lesson" part yet. Whining on my blog does not bring glory to Him. So I waited…until now.

**Warning: long blog post ahead**

So my toddler temper tantrum…I was mad at God. And if you know me, you might have been able to read through the lines in my previous posts. I tried to play it off with humor, but I was just trying to mask it. You see, I wanted a baby. I wanted to start from scratch. I didn't want to have to worry about time outs and not being able to spank when they yelled "no!" back at me. And I was going to let Him know about it.

I was calloused toward Little Miss (especially) and Little Man. They were not what I pictured for our family. And I was taking it out on them (not like beating them or anything just being harder on them). I knew it but I didn't know how to change it. I wasn't finished throwing my fit. I didn't understand why I was acting like this. This seemed so un-me to not be loving and silly with kids.

Cue first road trip as a family of six. I am not elaborating when I say it was the road trip from hell. I have a voice memo to prove it if you don't believe me. You can read more about our Thanksgiving experience HERE.

We finally arrived at Mitchell Thanksgiving and I was just in a bad mood. I was tired of kids screaming. I was tired of all of them needing something (selfless I know…). There were 23 of us in that house that weekend. Of that, 13 were kids. Tell me that's not an equation for a relaxing weekend. My SIL with the two older kids was a lifesaver that weekend. Helping get the kids food, feeding them, entertaining them. I begged her to come back home with us several times!

That night one of my BIL's who does foster to adopt, as well, changed my life. I explained to him that I was really struggling with this whole "having a girl" thing. And if we were asked tomorrow if we would adopt them I didn't know what I would say. I know, you're all like "What?! You're not attached to them?!" right…I wasn't (a month in) and that was what I was working through. He told me the simplest thing that just knocked the breath out of me…"It's ok to say no." What?? People do this and say no? That's where I was struggling. I felt so isolated thinking I was the only person to do this thing and not feel attached or feel guilty when I was leaning toward no. It's always so romanticized "We got the call and it was love at first sight…never imagined our family a different way." (I've not heard people say that it's just what I imagine…) I wasn't ready to say no or throw in the towel, but hearing that lifted a huge burden.

The next night after all our littles were in bed my SIL (with the older kids) invited me to sit with her and to breathe :) And the Lord orchestrated the perfect conversation between us at the perfect time. She called me out with the whole throwing a fit thing. She told me that she was so blessed by reading my blog…at the beginning. It was like she was getting a front row seat with my relationship with the Lord, but that had changed in the last few posts. She said, "You're not abiding anymore." BAM. I knew it. I just hadn't been called out on it. She asked why and I said "I'm throwing a fit and I'm not done yet." (Oh Emmanuel, thank you for Your grace and mercy toward me.) We then began to talk about spiritual warfare. And the difference between crazy and chaos. Chaos is what the enemy uses to distract and to pull away and isolate. I was right in the middle of it and I didn't even know it. There was a battle going on for these kids and I wasn't doing my job defending them. The enemy will do anything to keep those kids from receiving the love that they so desperately need from the Lord.

I so needed that time with her directing me back to the Source. Another SIL pointed out that the actions I was so frustrated with with Little Miss (deliberate rebellion, yelling back in disrespect) was kinda the same thing I was doing to the Lord. Ouch. The Lord was starting to break through, but I still wasn't completely through with my fit. Now I don't want you to think that my in-laws just beat me up that weekend. I was asking for their advice and they gave it in love because they care for me. And I am truly blessed to have in-laws who truly love me enough to say the hard things to me if needed.

That next Monday we had a 2 hour visitation with mom. I dropped them off and Little Man cried when I handed him over. Mom said, "Aw I think he kinda likes you." Um….I don't even know what to say. Yea I guess so since he thinks I'm his mom?! I didn't though. I just blamed his fussiness on the antibiotics he was on. When I picked them up Little Miss got into the car without a tear or a fuss! What!? Thank You Lord!

Next road trip…5 stinkin' hours. Hallelujah. Praise Jesus. This was the miracle car ride that I had been waiting for!! While in Palestine, I spoke with family risking them finding out my true feelings. I heard all kinds of advice and opinions. And I can not tell you how hard it is to have the people you trust the most and value advice from saying different things. I don't make decisions well by myself. Example: I just started putting Christmas decorations up and I arranged 3 little trees then immediately sent a picture to my SIL to make sure it was ok. I do that all the time with every. little. thing. To hear "you gave it a shot maybe it's not for you guys"… and from someone else "you would seriously say no to them?!" That doesn't make it easy on this indecisive momma! Maybe that's the Lord saying "you and Jonathan and Me. That's it. We're doing this."  People are going to make judgements whatever you do, right? :)

What I was feeling was really similar to postpartum depression. Is that even possible when you don't actually have the kid?! I don't know but it makes the most sense in describing what I was feeling. The Lord, once again, orchestrated a great conversation between Jonathan and I on our way back to Abilene. I was able to really flush out what I was thinking and feeling and having Jonathan balance it out. I'm not going to see a doctor or get on medication (although I think there is a time and place for that). I'm going to work this one out with the Lord. It's a heart issue that needs to be dealt with. I have also started praying "Lord, if this is me being guarded to prevent hurt down the road I don't want to be guarded. I'm not a good mom like this. And if allowing myself to get attached and loving them better means it will hurt worse in the end I don't care. I just don't like me when I'm like this."

He is so gracious. And it's not an over night kind of change. Because they will continue to push my buttons and have, but I can see a change in my attitude. And when I am calmer and more patient by being filled with the Holy Spirit the kids are more calm. What?! :) And when we have calm days like that I don't let a second go by without giving Him the praise!! It's truly a miracle if they all 4 are playing nicely together!!

I know I've said it before, but this is therapeutic for me. Writing things out. Keeping track of where the Lord shows me His hand. Getting to flush things out. If you've made it to the end I hope you've been able to find some encouragement as the Lord works through my heart issue. Being angry is not a sin, but when the anger stems from a heart issue you've got to deal with it.