Heartbroken

Deep breaths....deep breaths....

My heart broke last Wednesday at 4:30 p.m. I got a call from the boys' CPS worker. She had some news..."the boys' mom has gotten into a rehab center that allows kids. She'll be leaving tomorrow and I'll be coming to get the boys from you early next week..." I hit my knees. I couldn't speak. I got off the phone and held my precious 17 month old as I wept. I then called Jonathan (who had Luke and Parker) and told him he needed to get home now. I sobbed and held my babies until he arrived.

He walked through the door and straight to me. He knew something had happened. I tried to get the words out and try to make sense of what I was saying. He sat and held me as we held these precious boys the Lord had brought to us.

I asked our agency worker if this had ever happened...she said "Not this fast." "Why Lord?" I cried out, "I thought these were our boys. The ones who would complete our family!" I face timed my mom (I wanted her to see why I wasn't able to speak...) She saw my face and said, "Oh, what's wrong??" And I began to cry even more as I told her the news. We began to tell family and some close friends and the encouragement and prayers began to flow in.

Can I tell you that I'm angry?! But while trying to cling to my Father through this He has shown me something about my anger. It's not all "righteous anger" like I would like to think it is. It is anger rooted in selfishness and pride. It is anger that says "I don't want my heart to hurt so much. I've never felt this much pain in my life!!" It is anger that says "I would be a better mom to them!!" And before you respond back with "But Katy! You are a better mom than SHE is!" I have to tell you...she has her sin and I have mine. And how dare I think that because my sin hasn't caused my kids to be taken away that I'm any better than she is?! To say I have a right to be angry and upset about this is to say in my heart "I don't trust You, Lord. You are not a just God. I need to tell everyone my frustrations or nothing will change." Bull$@!#.

Thursday, was Luke's last day of preschool and his graduation (Seriously Lord?!? Have I not cried enough these past few days???). As I sat holding this precious baby during nap time I was encouraged by my SIL to cling to Him not truths about Him. I asked "How do I do that?!?" and she said "Yes! That's the question." I scrolled through Twitter and saw this tweet from Kelly Minter

I thought why not...I read 1 and 2 John and was finding some neat things. Then I got to 3 John...

I read "Beloved" and it was as if the Lord Himself was speaking to me. Like He was sitting on that couch with me. My insides turned and I kept reading. This was for me. He's talking to me. They're really going to leave. But I know what He's called me to..."send them on their journey in a manner worthy of God. For they have gone out for the sake of the name..." Deep breaths....Deep breaths...

I can't shout from the rooftops enough how gracious God is. He knows what's going to happen. I don't. But in His grace and mercy He speaks to me in the secret and quiet of nap time. His peace washes over me. I still don't understand this. And I am still grieving the loss of my boys. But such holy peace I feel washing over me.

Yesterday I took every little thing in. The last nap time, the last dinner, the last goodnight kiss. After all the big boys were in bed I sat and rocked Baby Boy. Just me and him. And I told him I loved him so so much, but that Jesus loved him more. And I prayed over him and I told him I loved him over and over. And he just laid there so still looking right into my eyes.

Jonathan took the day off to be with us. Oh my heart hurts. It yearns to be a mommy to those precious boys. We were both so weepy all morning waiting for CPS to show up. She came and asked some discharge questions and we packed them up. I couldn't even watch her pull away. I didn't make it back to the house before I lost it. Jonathan held me and we cried together. We are so heartbroken and trust that the Lord will bind our broken hearts.

So where do we go from here...we don't know. Our Father has a good track record. Even when we don't know what comes next He does and He is trustworthy and loves us. So we may take the summer to rest in Him. Or He may change our hearts and have us start up again sooner. We continue to trust His perfect timing and plan.

Round 2 has been the hardest thing I've had to walk through. I have seen the body of Christ rise up around us in such an amazing way. To have people shoulder this burden of hurt with us is so humbling. These kids were their kids too. A part of their families and their hearts too. It doesn't lessen the hurt and grief, but how sweet it is to not have to hurt alone. We treasure you guys. From bringing meals, to praying, to crying with us. We love you guys.

Even when I don't feel like it...

I got a call around 11 AM this morning from CPS saying they needed to schedule a 2 hour visitation with the boys' mom. We are still waiting to hear back about Little Mister's hair follicle test he took Tuesday. I was a little confused as to why they would go ahead and schedule a visitation when we were waiting on these results.

I didn't stop crying for the rest of the day. Here's the thing...when Round 1 came to our home I felt like the Lord said "these won't be in your home forever." It was hard to get in the groove on that one. I was guarded at first because I was scared to hurt. Then I felt like the baby sitter. Then I asked the Lord to change my heart to be open and love them. I loved them but they never felt like my own kids. That's not the case this time.

I didn't hear a "these won't be in your home forever." I heard "it's going to be hard" with no end result revealed. It has already proven to be just that in the short time we've had these boys. They feel like our own kids. I don't know why it's different this time around.

I called my mom to tell her visitation had been scheduled today and I was so angry. She kept saying love them but guard your heart. After taking some time to think about that... guarding my heart... I came to this conclusion (and told my mom)...I don't know if I can fully love these boys if I'm guarding my heart. I started out guarded the first time around and I didn't interact with them like I wanted to. We don't tell people we're going to adopt these boys, but if they ask if we would adopt them we say "in a heartbeat!" The Lord knows our hearts. I have to love them like they're mine. That's why I'm in this. If they don't end up in our home He knows that and He will mend my broken heart. To which she responded, "You are so right...I guess I am just still trying to protect MY baby's heart..." And then I began to cry even more.

Today's been one of those really hard, messy, hurt my heart days. I've cried a lot. I cry out to God not knowing what to say or pray. I want their mom to find Jesus and experience redemption. But I'm also desperately in love with these boys and want to make them ours forever.

So as I sit here waiting for them to return from visitation it's hard for me to think God is faithful and sovereign because I don't know how this ends yet. I know His track record. He IS faithful and sovereign. And that's the thing. He is a good Father, He is my hope, He is my strength and comfort. Even when I don't feel like He is. How I'm feeling doesn't effect that TRUTH. He is all those things. I will proclaim it...even when I don't feel like it.

Round 2 is HERE!

We got a call yesterday. The call I had been waiting for for almost 2 weeks.

It was a sibling group of boys. The oldest not even 18 months old and a brand new baby.

Jonathan and I prayed about it and didn't have any reservations about saying yes. So we did.

Little Mister tested positive for meth when he was born over a year ago and there was an open CPS case already. Baby Boy tested positive for meth at birth as well. We will be getting Baby Boy Monday morning after he is released from the hospital. We have no experience dealing with a situation like this. And I can tell you IT IS ROUGH.

Little Mister adjusted pretty quickly here to the house and the boys. He didn't eat much and didn't seem to know how to use a sippy cup. Bath time turned out to be bath time for me and him. They had warned us that he got "emotional" during baths. Ha! That's putting it blandly. He heard the bath water running and immediately started clawing up me like a cat. He held on to me the whole time we scrubbed him down. As we understand it he came straight from his mom's house (so everything was covered in meth, including him).

Last night proved to be one of the hardest nights of my life. I rocked him and tried to put him in his crib and he screamed. New house, new room, new everything. I get it. I rocked him until he fell asleep on me then tried to transfer him to the crib. Jonathan tag-teamed and patted his back until he was back to sleep. He slept for about 1.5-2 hours and then we were up at 11 with him. This is when I started to suspect he was having withdrawals. His body kept twitching, he couldn't sit still, he was itching and rubbing his face, he was smacking his lips, he was shrieking out in pain.

I moved into the living room because I didn't want our boys to wake up. I was holding him tight, rocking him, singing to him. Nothing was helping. Nothing was comforting him. I began to sob (that actually surprised him and he stopped crying...). "This is so unfair Lord!!!" I cried out. "Why must he suffer the consequences of someone else's stupid, selfish actions?!?" I prayed for healing over him. I prayed for rest. I prayed to be filled with the Holy Spirit.

I sat back down, still crying, and saw Jonathan in the door way. He said, "I heard crying...that wasn't a baby..." He helped me so much last night. Little Mister would not go to Jonathan or get anywhere near him. So Jonathan just sat with me and held my hand. Got Little Mister water. Sat in the mud with me. Little Mister was wide awake from about 11 PM - 4 AM. He woke up every hour until about 8. His little body shaking, fidgeting. Jonathan still woke up at 6 AM and corralled our boys in their room for a few hours so Little Mister and I could sleep.

I asked my friend, Kayla, this morning the signs of withdraw and she replied, "smacking, sucking, itching, twitching, extreme irritability, scratching, sleeplessness...how was the night?" To which I replied, "You just described my night!"

We then went to watch Blake play baseball and really enjoyed getting out of the house for a bit. It warmed my heart (and always does) when Kayla and Joe loved on Little Mister.

I have cried a lot already and we're not even at 24 hours. My heart breaks for him. I feel so helpless. I am so exhausted. Patience and love as Kayla told me. But it's got to be from Jesus because I'm already through my supply. Oh Jesus, come be our strength and patience and love.

Would you pray with us? Little Mister will hopefully be tested Monday to see if there is meth in his hair follicle. That could determine how this is going to end. The plan as of now is reunification. And then there's the fact that come Monday morning we will have a 4 day old.

We love seeing redemption that comes through Jesus. We love doing this fostering thing together. But seriously the support group that we have in family and friends makes this journey so much richer. That's probably another reason I've been crying so much already. The outpour of encouragement and prayer we've already received humbles me so much. We appreciate you. We are thankful for the friendships. Thank you for coming along on our journey. We will continue to update you as we learn.

The end of Round 1

The littles' mom had a court date April 4th. She was approved to get the kids back. They were ready. I got the official word and started packing their things up. That Friday was very sad for me. I saw emptiness everywhere... all of their belongings gone, empty dressers, empty cups where their toothbrushes were, etc. I can't even describe the range of emotions I was experiencing.

We took their mom and the kids out to eat that night to celebrate all of her hard work. We also got to to tell her that the Lord had miraculously provided for her. We approached some friends about selling their car to Mom (even though they weren't actively trying to sell it). They were interested in selling and then came back later to say "It sounds like she needs it more than we do. She can just have it." Can I just shout from the rooftops how awesome God is?!?! We could have never guessed that would happen.

It has been a little over one week since we packed up Little Miss and Little Man up to move back in with their mom. We got to see them last night to celebrate Little Miss' birthday. We continue to pray for wisdom and discernment in what that relationship needs to look like.

From the beginning of this "documenting" our experience in foster care I wanted this blog to be a method of pointing people to Jesus. I wanted to be authentic and real and through that bring glory to the sovereign God. I wanted to show that this whole fostering thing isn't just for a certain type of person. I'm not this awesome, selfless person. None of us are. So many people have praised us. And Jonathan and I have struggled to find a response to that. We know ourselves. We know our heart. We know our selfish thoughts and actions. We know how much we've yelled at all four of the kids.

There's a difference, for me, in loving my boys and loving them. There were days when I felt like the babysitter. But as I sat there in the quiet that Friday night my heart ached. And I felt the tearing begin. And I was grasping for control of this situation and I could not hold on. I think of how hard their life is going to be. And how I won't get to "supervise" how they're doing, acting, developing. And I know in my head that the Lord is good and sovereign. But my desire to want to grab ahold and control every ounce of it is very much there.

Can I just tell you that I make a crappy god? I do. You do too. Anytime I try to pry the reins out of the Almighty God's hands I am trying to make myself god. And in His merciful, abounding, unconditional grace He still loves me. What?!

We so need Jesus. We need Jesus to do this fostering thing. We need Jesus to do this parenting thing. We need Jesus to do the working thing. We need Jesus. And it blows my freaking mind that He wants to use me in any way at all!

So we're back on the list for another child. Honestly I can say I'm ready for another child to be welcomed in to our home. And at the same time I think am I crazy?! I'm excited about starting the heartache and the uncertainty and the frustration again??? Yes. When you pray for God to give you His heart, He does it. And you're completely wrecked over it.

So now we wait....and pray that our hearts would be full and we would walk in obedience in what the Lord is calling us to. Something we heard last weekend at Pine Cove really resonated with us...When you allow the Lord's love to flow through you it is a never ending current. He gets to decide who comes in and for how long.

He has to be our source or we go under. Thank you for keeping up with us, encouraging us, praying for us. Here's to Round 2!

Fostering Update

A lot has happened in the last month. I couldn't believe it had been that long since I updated the blog. We have so much crazy it just all runs together.

First things first… their dad is back in jail. I'm not sure if he even lasted a whole week. Supposedly he's in for 12 years. I don't believe their rulings anymore.

Extended unsupervised visits are going extremely well. The kids' mom found a babysitter to watch baby #3 until she's old enough to go to daycare. She found a job!! Very proud of her. Because of her current work schedule we have visitation on Sundays for almost the whole day. She has them for lunch, nap and dinner. Mom has even called me with questions like how I get Little Miss to eat. So much vulnerability in calling and asking me. I just loved it. As far as I can tell or have been told she only needs to find a place to live before they will approve reunification.

After taking the kids for a check-up back in January we found out that they are both tongue tied. Little Miss' is much more severe than Little Man's. They have recommended surgery for her to clip it. Because of her age she will have to go under meaning it goes above our "medical consent". We are currently waiting for all attorneys and judge to sign off on this before moving forward. This might be a little tricky because their attorney ad litem has decided he's not taking anymore cases and no one has taken that place. So we don't know if we'll be waiting on a replacement or if one attorney and the judge will be enough to approve this.

I have established quite the relationship with mom. And I really enjoy this aspect. The Lord has blessed us with a mom who is really trying hard and is easy to talk to. He continually brings up opportunities for me to talk to her about things that have been heavy on my heart but not wanting to sound "holier-than-thou". He is so faithful in the smallest details.

We also found out today that our CPS case worker has been transferred and we'll be getting someone new. I think I shouted "No!!!" when I read it. We have loved her. She loves these kids and wants what's best for them. She loves mom and isn't afraid to give her tough love. She has been so easy to talk to about things. We're going to miss her. And mom and I confessed to each other tonight how nervous we were to meet the new case manager.

I have gotten ok with dropping the kids off for visitation. Today was hard because I had both our boys with me when I did so. Little Miss and Little Man got out of the car and we began to pull away. Both the boys were so sad. I began to talk to them about the goal of reunification. I asked Luke if he had any other questions and he replied, "Yea…I have a few…" And he did. And they were good questions. "I thought their house wasn't safe? Our house is safe and their mommy's house is safe? We can't forget to pack up her pink gorilla! Will we ever see them again?" And on and on.

We went on to Bible Study and I dropped them off in the nursery and headed to my class. I called my mom to give her the latest and I just lost it. I told her about Luke's "few" questions. I told her about the case manager transfer. And I told her that this morning I had tried to get Little Miss to start calling me Katy instead of Mommy. She was confused and said to me, "I not Katy?!" and kept on with the mom.

Because it's not really possible to just rip the bandaid off in this situation I'm trying to sever little things the closer we get. She doesn't know what Mommy means. I couldn't even handle it tonight when Jonathan got out of the car when we picked them up. Little Miss ran to him shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" It breaks my heart because she won't have that when she goes back to mom. She's going to ask her mom where Daddy is and she will be talking about Jonathan. I don't understand many things that go on in this world. And why the Almighty God allows things like kids not having a Daddy in their life. But I will some day. And until I see Him face to face I know I can trust His sovereignty and His faithfulness. He's got the track record to prove it!

So we fall on our faces and we pray for these precious children who didn't get to choose this situation. And we pray for conviction of the Holy Spirit for mom that she will rise up and fear the Lord. And for their dad, that I don't even know if they remember, that he would come to Jesus and act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with God.

Dino-mite Party!

Ah, my boys are another year older…it makes this momma's heart sad. This may be why I throw myself into the party planning! Ha!

The boys LOVE dinosaurs. They tell me all the names and facts of everyone they own (which is a lot!).  I thought it fit so well this year to have a Dinosaur Birthday Party. 

So here are the details of the party…

I printed out a dinosaur footprint on card stock. Then my mom cut it out and colored dino footprints up the sidewalk to the door. Where I had the dino wreath. Simple, simple. Got some of the boys' dinosaurs and wrapped them and attached them to the wreath. Then some simple pendants from scrap paper to add more color. 

  

I painted this sign for the entry way to match the invitation. 

I had artificial grass squares that I cut in half to make strips for the dinosaurs to stand on. I put these on the mantle with a banner and some flags.

I covered the tables in butcher paper and spread colors out for guests to write messages and color pictures. We had some very creative guests :)

 And then there was the cake. It's been a while since I've done a birthday cake. Like Luke's first birthday…

So I started my research and tried to not over do it….this is the picture I ultimately picked for inspiration. But I wanted the fossil to be edible. And the fence looked like someone took tootsie rolls and carved wood grains into them. Ain't nobody got time for that. 

  

So here's what we ended up with…

I used these cookie cutters and stamps to make the grown up favors. And then filled the kids favors with coloring sheets, colors, dino tattoos and fruit snacks. I made the labels in my scrapbooking software then cut them out with my Silhouette. 

  

And moving on to probably my favorite part :) the dinosaur photo booth! When we got this huge cardboard box around Thanksgiving I knew exactly what I wanted to do with it! My sweet husband is so patient and understanding when it comes to my crazy party planning. He was a big help in helping me make this a reality. 

I opened up the box and used my overhead projector to make a T-rex silhouette on the box. Then I cut it out and my mom helped me paint it.  I did the same for the pterodactyl and my mom painted it.

I cut the pendants with my Silhouette and attached the circles (also cut out with the Silhouette). Luke helped me string it and thought he was all that :)  

We had a great time. And the Lord was so gracious to give us a beautiful day in the 60s! Here are the rest of the photo booth pictures!

Too long for a Facebook status

It's happening. My heart is shattering. I'm bursting into tears at random times (more than usual anyway). 

Baby #3 is here and appears to be healthy and whole. Thank you Jesus! Mom took baby home with her. We will start extended unsupervised visits tomorrow. 

I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me this week. I knew this was a possibility, but now it's the official plan. 

We went to the hospital to visit. Before we left, mom called and said that dad had just gotten out of jail (he was supposed to be in for 15 years) and was up at the hospital. Another rug pulled out from under me. I had written him off. No need to worry about something that wouldn't be happening for 15 years. She sent him away when we headed up there (because he doesn't have a service plan yet and is not allowed to see them). I no longer felt safe heading up there by myself so Amanda graciously watched our boys while Jonathan and I took the littles up to the hospital. 

Mom was waiting for us in the parking lot. We walked up and waited for the nurses to bring the baby back in. It was good she had some one on one time with them before baby was there. It's strange to see them with her. There's not the same comfort there like there is with us. Baby eventually came in and we took family pictures with all 4 of them. Little Miss got to feed baby a bottle. It was humorous watching her try to shove it down baby's mouth!

While we were there mom told me, "When I get the kids back I really want to stay in touch with you guys. They love you guys." And the opposite ends of the spectrum of emotions begin again. That's what I wanted. I want to be there to help, support and care for her and the kids any way I can. But it hurt my heart to think I wouldn't be their "momma" any more. 

We left and went out to dinner to celebrate a good friends birthday. It was such a fun and adventurous distraction from everything. 

Today I've done alright. Tried to hold them a little longer that usual. Forced more kisses on them. And then I got another call from CPS. It seems they will be trying to set up visitations for dad. What!?!?! I yelled on the inside!! He just got out of jail and you're going to let him see them?!?! He's basically a stranger to these kids! Little Man already has a hard time going to see mom and they expect me to hand him over to dad?? I've seen that look of terror and betrayal in their eyes as I hand them over and take them back. I've cried with Little Miss. We've come so far just to start over? Granted this is only happening if he can stay clean.

A dear friend sent me an email with a song this morning before we found all of this out. Here are the lyrics: 

You said you'd never leave or forsake me

When you said, this life is gonna shake me

And you said this world is gonna bring trouble on my soul

This I know

When everything falls apart your arms hold me together

When everything falls apart you're the only hope for this heart

When everything falls apart and my strength is gone

I find you mighty and strong, you keep holding on

You keep holding on

When I see the darkness all around me

When I see that tragedy has found me

I still believe your faithful arms will never let me go

And still I know

Sorrow will last for the night

But hope is rising with the sun, its rising with the sun

There will be storms in this life

But I know You will overcome, you have overcome

Fee - Everything Falls

The thing I can and have to cling on to is that He is there to hold me through all the uncertainties. Another friend shared the verse in Exodus with me today that says "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." This may be the first time in a while I have had a battle where there was nothing I could do in my own strength. You know I've had the battles where I try this and I try that and nothing works and then I eventually hand it over to the Lord. This isn't one of those. I don't have anything to try here. I don't have a play. I can only be still and let Him fight. 

Just like with my own kids, I know the Lord loves Little Miss and Little Man more than I or their mom ever could. Even when I don't understand what is happening around me I know He is good. I know He is sovereign. And I know He is trustworthy. I've seen it with my own eyes. There are so many times in my life He's proven Himself to be all of those things and more. This time is no different. It's still hard when you're in the trenches. But I'm not standing still alone.