The littles' mom had a court date April 4th. She was approved to get the kids back. They were ready. I got the official word and started packing their things up. That Friday was very sad for me. I saw emptiness everywhere... all of their belongings gone, empty dressers, empty cups where their toothbrushes were, etc. I can't even describe the range of emotions I was experiencing.
We took their mom and the kids out to eat that night to celebrate all of her hard work. We also got to to tell her that the Lord had miraculously provided for her. We approached some friends about selling their car to Mom (even though they weren't actively trying to sell it). They were interested in selling and then came back later to say "It sounds like she needs it more than we do. She can just have it." Can I just shout from the rooftops how awesome God is?!?! We could have never guessed that would happen.
It has been a little over one week since we packed up Little Miss and Little Man up to move back in with their mom. We got to see them last night to celebrate Little Miss' birthday. We continue to pray for wisdom and discernment in what that relationship needs to look like.
From the beginning of this "documenting" our experience in foster care I wanted this blog to be a method of pointing people to Jesus. I wanted to be authentic and real and through that bring glory to the sovereign God. I wanted to show that this whole fostering thing isn't just for a certain type of person. I'm not this awesome, selfless person. None of us are. So many people have praised us. And Jonathan and I have struggled to find a response to that. We know ourselves. We know our heart. We know our selfish thoughts and actions. We know how much we've yelled at all four of the kids.
There's a difference, for me, in loving my boys and loving them. There were days when I felt like the babysitter. But as I sat there in the quiet that Friday night my heart ached. And I felt the tearing begin. And I was grasping for control of this situation and I could not hold on. I think of how hard their life is going to be. And how I won't get to "supervise" how they're doing, acting, developing. And I know in my head that the Lord is good and sovereign. But my desire to want to grab ahold and control every ounce of it is very much there.
Can I just tell you that I make a crappy god? I do. You do too. Anytime I try to pry the reins out of the Almighty God's hands I am trying to make myself god. And in His merciful, abounding, unconditional grace He still loves me. What?!
We so need Jesus. We need Jesus to do this fostering thing. We need Jesus to do this parenting thing. We need Jesus to do the working thing. We need Jesus. And it blows my freaking mind that He wants to use me in any way at all!
So we're back on the list for another child. Honestly I can say I'm ready for another child to be welcomed in to our home. And at the same time I think am I crazy?! I'm excited about starting the heartache and the uncertainty and the frustration again??? Yes. When you pray for God to give you His heart, He does it. And you're completely wrecked over it.
So now we wait....and pray that our hearts would be full and we would walk in obedience in what the Lord is calling us to. Something we heard last weekend at Pine Cove really resonated with us...When you allow the Lord's love to flow through you it is a never ending current. He gets to decide who comes in and for how long.
He has to be our source or we go under. Thank you for keeping up with us, encouraging us, praying for us. Here's to Round 2!
No comments:
Post a Comment