Even when I don't feel like it...

I got a call around 11 AM this morning from CPS saying they needed to schedule a 2 hour visitation with the boys' mom. We are still waiting to hear back about Little Mister's hair follicle test he took Tuesday. I was a little confused as to why they would go ahead and schedule a visitation when we were waiting on these results.

I didn't stop crying for the rest of the day. Here's the thing...when Round 1 came to our home I felt like the Lord said "these won't be in your home forever." It was hard to get in the groove on that one. I was guarded at first because I was scared to hurt. Then I felt like the baby sitter. Then I asked the Lord to change my heart to be open and love them. I loved them but they never felt like my own kids. That's not the case this time.

I didn't hear a "these won't be in your home forever." I heard "it's going to be hard" with no end result revealed. It has already proven to be just that in the short time we've had these boys. They feel like our own kids. I don't know why it's different this time around.

I called my mom to tell her visitation had been scheduled today and I was so angry. She kept saying love them but guard your heart. After taking some time to think about that... guarding my heart... I came to this conclusion (and told my mom)...I don't know if I can fully love these boys if I'm guarding my heart. I started out guarded the first time around and I didn't interact with them like I wanted to. We don't tell people we're going to adopt these boys, but if they ask if we would adopt them we say "in a heartbeat!" The Lord knows our hearts. I have to love them like they're mine. That's why I'm in this. If they don't end up in our home He knows that and He will mend my broken heart. To which she responded, "You are so right...I guess I am just still trying to protect MY baby's heart..." And then I began to cry even more.

Today's been one of those really hard, messy, hurt my heart days. I've cried a lot. I cry out to God not knowing what to say or pray. I want their mom to find Jesus and experience redemption. But I'm also desperately in love with these boys and want to make them ours forever.

So as I sit here waiting for them to return from visitation it's hard for me to think God is faithful and sovereign because I don't know how this ends yet. I know His track record. He IS faithful and sovereign. And that's the thing. He is a good Father, He is my hope, He is my strength and comfort. Even when I don't feel like He is. How I'm feeling doesn't effect that TRUTH. He is all those things. I will proclaim it...even when I don't feel like it.