Fridays are hard....

I'm learning quickly that Fridays are hard on our family. The range of emotions I'm feeling is exhausting. 

It starts with being stressed about packing lunches for the littles for visitation, then new diapers/potty run (and of course one chooses that's the perfect time to poop!), then loading four kids in the car (Parker was loosing it because I just ran out of time to put socks and shoes on him), driving crazy (but safely of course) to get to the appointment on time! 

Then it's a rush of happiness as I see Little Miss' reaction to seeing mom. And seeing mom tear up seeing her babies. And mom's appreciation for what we're doing blesses me so much. 

Then it's the quiet ride home missing two kids. And I'm sad we're missing half of our crazy. 

Today was the first time I noticed Luke getting really emotional about it himself.  As we were pulling out of the parking lot Luke said, "Mom, I really miss my sister." I look in the mirror at him to see him wiping tears from his eyes. I explained we would be back to get them in a little bit. But also took this time to explain our goal of reunification. How do you explain that to a 4 year old?! I'm not going to give him details about why mom can't have her own kids.  So I just say "Sometimes mommies and daddies aren't able to take care of their kids. It's not a safe place or they're sick. So CPS (that's another difficult one to explain) puts kids in a safe place until their home is safe again." Slowly hitting him he asks, "So then they'll be gone forever?!?" And I lost it. And had to break my kids heart and say "Yes. If their mommy gets better." 

It's one thing for me to have all these emotions, but to see my 4 year old start to understand and feel the emotions...it's hard for this momma's heart. I know the Lord has called us to this. And I know He knew how it would effect my kids. It's still hard to see your kid cry over his "sister". 

We are excited as the holidays quickly approach. And we get to share the littles with our family (we haven't been able to send pictures). We are also a tad apprehensive as we plan and pack for our first road trip as a family of 6 in an explorer. Jonathan is a little more excited that our car now screams "Griswold family vacation"... 

Wave and honk if you see us... I'll be the one with the really big hat, scarf and sunglasses....

He remains faithful

I don't normally blog this much about our life, but I have found it to be therapeutic almost to write things out as I process them. And the Lord is revealing so much to me through this process that I wanted to share with others who are thinking of going down this road of fostering kids.

I heard over and over it was going to be hard. I knew that was true I just didn't know what kind of "hard" it was going to be. I mean, adding another child to your family is hard. Having a baby in the house is hard. Adding two kids 2 years old and under is hard. I thought the Lord and I had a deal you see. After having an infant and a 2 year old I was ready to put some more space between Mitchell baby #3. Like at least 3 years... So when we signed up to become foster parents I wrote down 0-1 years. I like babies. I'm good with babies. That's my comfort zone. Jonathan not so much so he wanted me to write down 18 months or a little older as our highest cut off. We compromised and technically wrote 0-1 yrs on the paperwork but would be willing to discuss a child who was older.

I can tell you now, from experience, it's hard. I wanted 3 years between Parker and the next child. The Lord gave me 2 months. I wanted an infant. The Lord gave me a 15 month old. I am starting to think He doesn't want me to be comfortable in the little comfort zone I had in mind! I also think that sometimes He puts things in front of us to get our attention. Would I have been stretched out on the floor on my face before Him with one baby? No. Honestly, I would have gotten into a schedule and would have carried on with my life like before in my own strength. If I am not plugging in to the Lord it gets ugly. Fast.

Jonathan called me out (in love of course!) the other day after hearing I used nap time to catch up on Parks and Recreation on Netflix. A reminder to ask the Holy Spirit to fill me every minute, hour and day instead of selfishly vegging on the couch thinking "I've earned a little down time." Today marks 2 weeks since the littles came into our home. And wanting to share all sides of this thing (not just the pretty side)...I've already questioned the Lord (several times) this week if He made a mistake. I think "Lord, this is too hard. This is too much. Are you sure this is what You want?" Yesterday morning I read from 2 Timothy 2 and it kicked me in the gut. "if we are faithless, He remains faithful - for He cannot deny Himself." It put a word to what I was feeling...faithless. Ouch. And what a beautiful reminder that even though I am faithless He will always be faithful because that's who He is. He can't not be faithful. Oh how I don't deserve His love and faithfulness. And in moment's like this it brings tears to my eyes.

He is refining me. He is bringing the selfishness inside of me out so He can scrape it away. He's showing me the expectations and plans that I had and showing me that I need to let go. I am currently in a stand off with Little Miss about finishing her breakfast. I'm pretty sure she's not finishing to spite me. And even in something as petty as finishing breakfast the Lord is revealing that my fuse is pretty short when it comes to kids eating their food. Really?! Who cares! Apparently I do. Turns out my fuse is short with a lot of things...fixing girl hair (I'm clueless!!), the amount of shrieking girls do, the amount of crying girls do, the whole having 4 kids running around chaos thing.

As frustrated as I get with the Lord for allowing chaos to come in to my comfortable order...I am also amazed at what a personal God He is to His children. Yes, He is using us to share His love with these kids and provide a safe home. But simultaneously, He is opening my eyes to the issues I needed to deal with that wouldn't have been brought up without a chaotic situation. I keep thinking things will settle down and we'll find a groove, but I'm pretty sure this is how our normal is going to look for a while.

We have our second scheduled visitation with mom today. And we will be filling out the paperwork with our agency to have the littles officially placed with us. Basically what that means is that we will be their medical consent and officially be their foster parents.

And I have to give a huge shout out to our friends who have fed us the past two weeks!!! I would like to write thank you notes to all of you, but it may not be until next year. And I was told by one that I would be slapped if I wrote her a thank you note. I don't think I can out run her so I'll just thank you all publicly! :)

A lot of firsts...

Today marks 1 week since we grew to a family of six. It's been a really hard week, but so rewarding already.

I had our first meeting with the kids' CPS worker. Turns out she lives in our neighborhood! I was able to learn about their story and their family and get a better idea of where they were coming from. She got their clothes sizes and said she would go shopping for them (b/c let's be honest I don't have time to shop!). We also set up a time for weekly visitation with mom. Our CPS worker told us that mom is expecting baby #3 and has been doing much better within the past month. It had been difficult for visitations before because they were placed out of town.

I asked the CPS worker a few questions about what to expect for the first visitation and, since we live in the same town, what's "protocol" if I happen to run into her around town?? (Some of the concerns racing through my head: I don't know what she looks like! What if she approaches me? How do I shove 4 kids in the car quickly if she's dangerous? I don't know if I want her seeing my kids! What if she follows me home?) Their worker told me that mom is a very calm person. If she happened to see us out somewhere she would probably just talk my ear off. If I was uncomfortable and told the kids to leave she would pick up on it and walk away. So now I feel somewhat better but just on edge about leaving the house. If you don't know me well you have to know that I am not a confrontational person. If I have to have a "tough" conversation with someone I like a few days to prepare my thoughts. If I'm not expecting it I shut down.

We finished our meeting and we got ready for our neighborhood block party that was happening at our house for Halloween. The kids all had a blast and it brought me such joy to see Little Miss running around with the other kids! She is so shy and has retreated anytime someone new comes over. Can't post pictures of them, but here are the older ones in their "mom didn't take any pictures during Halloween and had to recreate the next morning" costume pictures...

 

HUGE shout out to my friend, Kayla, who made costumes on Halloween a possibility for all of these kids!! I had promised Luke I would make a Ninja Turtle costume for Halloween and then our kids doubled and there was no way that was happening! She let us borrow Ninja Turtle stuff and I pinned a yellow piece of card stock on for his turtle belly. All I had around the house for Parker was superhero cape and mask they play with all the time. I drew up his "Super P" and pinned it on! Little Miss got her very own Minnie Mouse costume from Kayla and she adored it. Oh my gosh she looked super cute! And Little Man was a cowboy who didn't fit into the boots we had around the house and didn't keep the cowboy hat on :)

So this morning I'm trying to prepare for our first visitation with mom. They had already assured me that they could come down and get them out of the car for me so I didn't have to haul 4 kids inside. I started loading up 30 minutes before our scheduled time because it was the first time I had gotten all 4 in by myself. Turns out it didn't take 30 minutes :) We headed out and Jonathan called. He asked if I had left and I told him we were just pulling out of the neighborhood. He said ok I just wanted to pray over you really quick. Can't turn that down! He prayed for a smooth time with the kids and mom and protection over me and the boys.

I pulled up, texted the CPS worker that we were there and then walked around to Little Miss' side to redo her car seat hair. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed someone approaching us. I looked and there was who I assumed to be mom walking over to my car. I asked if she was mom and she said yes. Little Miss saw her and smiled so big and reached out for her. This was such a God thing for me. I didn't know when they had seen her last, I didn't know how they would react. It warmed my heart to see her reaction to her momma. I explained I was still learning how to do girl hair and handed her the rubber band to take over! Ha! I walked around and got Little Man out and handed him over with their bag. I watched her walk them into the building and immediately called their worker to let her know they were headed her way.

This season in our life is blowing me away! I love to see how the Lord specifically orchestrates things for our growing family. He nudged Jonathan to call and pray protection over me. He went ahead and took care of me worrying about when I would run into mom! Ha! He has given me such a love for mom and an urgency to pray for reunification for this family. I am proud of her. I just met her and I barely know her, but she is making an effort and I applaud that.

We still have a long road ahead of us. But I'm handing over my worry and anxiety to Him. I can not give the Lord enough glory for the change He's done in Jonathan and I's hearts. Our first reaction to hearing all the yuck this family has gone through is not one of judgement. But of brokenness and compassion. I can not stress enough that it is not because we are really good people. It is ONLY because of what the Lord has done inside of us.

I waited for the kids to walk back out to the car and I prayed. I saw them coming out and Little Miss was already starting to cry. She knew what was coming and I prayed I'd be able to hold the tears back myself. I put Little Man in his seat and helped mom get Little Miss in hers. She said her goodbyes and I gave her a hug. I looked at her and I told her I was so proud of her and that I was praying for her. And that was all I could get out before the tears welled up. I want her to know that we are on her side. We are not trying to take her kids away. We are praying for chains to be broken and for Jesus to rush in and make what was yucky whole again. Little Miss and I sobbed the whole way home. I was now the bad guy taking her away from mom. It broke my heart to see her look at me like that.

I knew I would probably cry a lot on this journey. I wasn't expecting it to be like this. It's a dangerous thing to pray that the Lord would break your heart for what breaks His. He's done it. And I'm undone. We recovered over lunch and it's still nap time. I had my "mother of 4 under 4" lunch of sour cream and onion chips and Halloween candy. One day I'll eat normal food again.

Thank you for coming along for this journey. I hope you can find encouragement in it. I really just want to write down and share what the Lord is doing in our family. Stay tuned for more crazy!