So much has happened...

I am numb. I'm a ball of emotions inside which is probably why I'm staying numb. So much has happened in the past 10 days. I haven't been able to process it all. Maybe if I just start from the beginning...

Dad had been diagnosed with cancer for the second time. We were gearing up for surgery the Monday before Christmas. While we were there we learned that the tumor had grown very rapidly and they were not going to be able to operate. We all felt like someone punched us in the gut. Instead of surgery Dad went through two rounds of chemo to try to at least stop the growth of the tumor. It was getting very close to his left eye and bulging down from the roof of his mouth. Surgery was rescheduled for January 12th.

That was the Monday before the older two blondes' hearing. I would be missing it and Jonathan would have to handle those logistics without me. We anticipated that they would go back that week so I had begun packing all of their clothes, toys and new Christmas presents they had just gotten. I left the Sunday before Dad's surgery to be with our family in Houston. Jonathan's mom came out for the week to help him with the five kiddos.

We had a sweet time together the night before the surgery. Even facing the unknown, Dad was not shaken. His feet were firmly planted on Abba Father's truth and sovereignty. Such a legacy he has given to us by example. We laid hands on him and prayed through our tears. Trusting him to the Almighty Healer. I didn't like the circumstances. None of us did. I didn't like thinking about my Daddy being in pain. And yet in those moments of doubt...God is good. It's one of those times where your heart doesn't really feel like He is good, but you know He has to be good. Even if it's not "good" to us. Jesus cannot not be good. It's who He is. He has proven it over and over again.

No one really slept that night and before we knew it is was 4:30 AM and time to get up. We headed over to surgery check in and waited. We took turns rotating in to say our goodbyes before the surgery and "See you soon!" We all stood there and watched him be rolled back. I really feel like that was the first of many blessings that day. The nurses let us all give him one more hug together. And we turned away and sobbed and held each other. I've never felt anything like that and I hope I don't have to again.

We heard good news after good news from the doctors as they finished their sections of the surgery. The tumor had not only gotten smaller from the chemo, but it had started to die. There was good margin around it to remove it all cleanly. We all took a deep breath and waited anxiously to get to see him in recovery. We all felt a little self-conscious as we cried and wore our "#WEARENOTSHAKEN" t-shirts. We would explain, "We're not shaken! But we're a little stirred!" The road ahead is long, but we are so thankful for what the Lord has already done and how His name has been glorified through this.

When Dad was still in ICU on Wednesday, I got a phone call from CASA about the hearing. The older two were going back that night. In a way I was glad I wasn't there having to face my emotions about that decision. While I was there in Houston, my focus and emotions were focused on Dad. Jonathan handled packing the rest of their things and taking them up to CPS office to be transferred back to their parents. Jonathan later asked Luke how he was feeling about it and if he was sad. Luke's response was, "Yeah I'm a little sad. But laundry will be easier." Oh thank You Lord for the laughter in the midst of pain.

Today was Baby Sister's hearing and she'll be reunited with her parents and siblings in a few weeks. And because I don't typically sugar coat things here....My heart aches but it also rejoices. This has been the weirdest tug of emotions. I want to not have five kids, but I don't like the circumstances that will bring that. I've known since the first time I met the older two in October 2013 they weren't my kids. And I can't explain how the bonding happens/doesn't happen. I really struggled with not bonding with them or getting attached. People would say "Oh I know it's got to be so hard you get so attached." And I'm just sitting there like....uuummm....not really. And maybe one day I'll write a more detailed blog about my feelings about foster care and what I've learned.

Until then, know that I am not good. If there is any good in me it is solely because of Jesus. What a radical thought that when the Father looks at me He sees Jesus and His righteousness. Blows me away.

So now as I sit here in the quiet (because oh my gosh my house is quiet now!?) I prepare for Baby Sister to be reunited with her parents in a few weeks. And I worry about her being in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar parents because she hasn't seen them in a while. Oh I pray for her protection along with her older two siblings. I pray for these kids' parents that they would find Jesus and know Him. I pray for these kids' salvation and that the time the Lord has allowed them to be with us would be seeds that are deeply rooted in their lives. And I pray that He will help me trust that He is good. Always.

At the end of self...there's a choice

I am at the end of my self. EVERY. MINUTE. EVERY. DAY. I am drained, exhausted, an emotional wreck and wanting to wave the white flag. It is here, at the end of my self, that I have a choice.

Sunday we sang "Oceans" in church. Some people may be tired of this song by now, but it seriously sums up my cry to the Lord currently. I couldn't even sing the chorus because of the tears flowing...

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves 

When oceans rise 

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

The oceans are rising around the Mitchell house and it is a perfect description of how overwhelmed we are currently feeling. When people ask how we're doing our answer most of the time is "We barely have our heads above water."

So when (not if - James 1:2) the oceans rise and we find ourselves at the end of our self what do we do? I love the answer that comes in the second verse of that song and that we see in scripture...

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

Isaiah 58:11 says, "And the LORD will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places (anybody else?!) and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail." Hopefully I will choose to trust in His grace that abounds, trust in His sovereign hand to guide me and to rest in the hope of His unfailing character. The majority of the time, I don't.

This weekend marked the one year anniversary of Little Miss and Little Mister coming to us the first time. I looked back over the past year and thought, "How did we end up here a year later?" In the frustration of being here, where I never thought we would be again, bitterness and anger start to creep in. My pride swells thinking I need to keep up the appearance that everything's put together and we're in control of the situation. Walking in and out of church sure shreds any notion of being a put together family. 

This week was probably the worst we've had yet. It seems like everything all came to a head. Weekly reports I have to do for all three kids (that I've been so behind on), doctor appointments, dentist appointments, dealing with bills from when they were first with us that we should have never received, dropping off and picking up from school, sorting things out with our agency, Bible study, life group prep, visitation and having to give the kids' mom and dad a ride because they missed the bus (to which she responded, "I didn't realize you were so busy." ?!?!?!?), work, home and oh yeah they have to eat... I cried out to the Lord, "I'm so beat down and overwhelmed!! And nothing can really change right now." And He quietly confronted me, "You won't let go of anything to let Me help." Ouch.

"For My yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:30

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

The Father in heaven is so gracious. He gives me multiple opportunities to choose Him when I've come to the end of me. A lot of times I feel like I start out at the end of my self! I'm trying to let go of a neat house (the kids help me there...). I am trying to let go of the fact that I haven't cooked anything but spaghetti noodles in the past 3 months.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith would be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

That is my prayer and has been. I want to be able to trust Him no matter what, no borders where I draw the line at my comfort. I'm where I never in my life would have gone myself and at the end I want to say my faith has been made stronger. It sucks a lot of the time, but how can I not give up some of my comforts when He gave up every comfort at the cross? He sacrificed it all. Himself. For me. For you. For these kids. How can I not share that with others? How can I not sing of His glorious works? I must! No matter the circumstance. 

Trusting

Jonathan and I hear the Lord saying, "trust Me" these days. That's a common Christianese term that I throw out there easily. People hear our story for the first time and I throw in a "Oh we're just trusting the Lord!" like it's no big deal. It is a big deal. 

Today after lunch I was wiping Little Miss' hands and noticed this...

Lots of little splinters that we had somehow missed seeing. Ugh not exactly what I wanted to worry about right before nap time. I wanted my "me time". I got the needle, tweezers and a wipe and started at it. Some were more infected than others. I would get pieces out that were towards the top with ease. It was the part that was deeper that made her squirm. 

She was growing impatient and asked "Do you have to do this?" I answered, "Yes I do or it will get more infected. Do you trust me?" Her innocent 3 year old answer, "Yes." It was easy for her to trust me when it didn't hurt. It may be an inconvenience to her but it didn't really hurt. It was when I got to the deeper part that the tears began to come. "Katy it hurts!" And I responded, "I know baby. I'm so sorry. I don't like hurting you. Do you trust me?" And she cried, "I don't want to!"

That's when we both started crying. Oh I know exactly how she felt. Sure God, I'll take in three extra kids. It's kind of an inconvenience, but I trust You no big deal. And when we're past that sweet honeymoon stage and our days and weeks start filling up with things that aren't easy, and I'm screaming on the inside because she is intentionally peeing in her diaper, and Little Man is screaming at the top of his lungs, and Baby Sister is fussing and wanting to be held....the Lord whispers "Do you trust Me?" And I yell back, "I don't want to!" 

There are things that the Lord is purifying in me. He's digging deeper into the wound to prevent infection. And as a parent, I know I have to inflict pain to get splinters out because it must be done. The pain now will be worth it compared to the pain that would come if I let it fester. This was such a sweet lesson the Lord allowed me to see today. He isn't throwing three extra children at me to watch me suffer and to cause pain. He is giving me the privilege of three extra children as a tool to mold me, to dig out impurities and to show areas I need to surrender to Him because He loves me and knows what is in my best interest!

So now when the days drag on and are clouded by so much uncertainty and He asks, "Do you trust Me?" I will answer, "I don't really want to because it hurts. But I know You are trustworthy and faithful. Help me to trust You." What a compassionate and kind Heavenly Father we have. 

A Good Moment

Right here, right now. This is a good moment. I'm currently sitting on my couch with the lights on. You may be wondering why on earth is that a good moment?!? Let me tell you... Nap time has been rough for us lately. I have had to separate everyone so they will sleep. Here's the catch...this house that fit us perfectly as a family of 4 is now busting at the seams with us as a family of 7 (dang, I still haven't gotten used to that number!).

Here's the usual set up: Parkerman in his bottom bunk bed, Little Man in his crib, Little Miss in my room and Baby Sister in the pack and play in the living room. Don't know if you caught it, but that leaves a corner in the kitchen for me :) But not today!! Today is the blessed first day of 3 year old Preschool and Mother's Day Out for the boys. Can I get an amen?! So today... Little Miss is in her bed and Baby Sister is in her bed leaving me on the couch with the lights on!

You have to look for the good moments because around this house they seem scarce. Or maybe I haven't been looking hard enough. This round has been especially tough. I thought we didn't get a honeymoon stage this time around because of all the familiarity. I tried to prepare myself by saying "This has got to be God's mercy on us because it can't always be this good and easy right?!?" Right. That's exactly right. It has not been that good or easy since that first two weeks.

I sent a voice memo to my family the other day of the kids playing and running through the house. They scared a few people who were standing by while they listened (whatever it takes to get more prayer!!) Dad asked if I needed his ear protection and I thought that's a great Christmas present idea! Five kids 5 yrs and under is a rowdy, loud, fussy, make you want to pull your hair out group. BUT there are those moments that you hope for...someone asking nicely to take a turn with a toy and the other saying yes and sharing (say what?!), someone doing a silly dance to make the baby smile, hearing sweet "goodnights" and "I love you J!" "I love you Katy!" You've got to hold on to those because they seem few and far between.

Here's where we are in our cases...Mom has a hearing for Baby Sister at the end of this month. From what we can gather she will be getting her "plan" to work back toward reunification. Since this is Baby Sister's initial removal she's getting a chance to start over. Little Man and Little Miss have a hearing at the end of November. From what we have heard that is the end of Mom's 4 month extension for this case. We've also heard that it is likely the judge will want to make this the final hearing for their case because their year anniversary of removal was back in June. While this makes us have serious conversations about what our next step will be...we've learned nothing about fostering/CPS/hearings are final until it's done.

The kids have been with us for a little over a month. We've seen a lot of increased negative behaviors since our "honeymoon" phase. Little Miss has reverted (she was previously potty trained) and seems to have no desire to want to change this. We have tried everything and it has been frustrating. After great advice from my sister in law, the Lord has change my attitude toward Little Miss while we continue to change diapers for a 3.5 year old. It's a bending of the will situation and only the Lord can change that heart issue. I've never prayed so much about going potty! :) Today we took Baby Sister to get her ECI evaluation and Little Miss sat on the couch as we waited. She put her feet in the seat and I reminded her shoes don't go on the couch and she replied, "Yes ma'am." Good moment.

Little Man either whispers all sweet his "thank you", "yeah!", "ok" or he is shrieking/yelling. There doesn't seem to be an in between. I don't do well with being yelled at. These kids can sure find my hot buttons fast! :) Yesterday he was in time out for what felt like every other 10 minutes. He is the sweetest thing around at times. Just last night while I sang him his bed time song he sang along with me and patted my face so gently. Good moment.

I don't want to paint a rosy picture about our current lives. Because there are several crying myself to sleep nights. I struggle to bond and extend compassion to these still. I fervently ask to have the Father's heart for these kids. I was looking back at old pictures and found pictures of our Round 2 boys. My heart broke again. The questions flooded in...how big are they now? What do they look like? Are they safe? Are they happy? Why didn't we get to keep them? And the tears come so quickly. Lots of anger and bitterness swell inside and I acknowledge my tantrum in front of the Lord and I ask for forgiveness again.

The times are many when I want to throw in the towel. It hurts. It's hard. It's dirty. It's stressful. And I so struggle with selfishness. What about me Lord? These kids are safe and good and happy now. But what about me? Well..I am to deny myself and I am to look after the orphans in their distress.  Am I good at it? Um no. Is it possible? Not if it's just me trying to do something good. I can not yell this loud enough...ANY good in me is Jesus. My heart is wicked and selfish. But Jesus uses this ugly, broken, stained, selfish heart because of His radical grace and mercy. Good moment.

Will you pray with us as we get closer to these court hearings? We don't know if we'll ever have to make a permanent decision about these kids, but we want to be unified. Will you pray for wisdom for us as we parent these kids who have some unknowns in their past? We want them to know Jesus and to know that He redeems what has been broken or scarred.  Thank you all for your continual support, prayers and encouragement to us. We have an amazing support system. I can't say that enough!!

We're a family of seven. SEVEN. Part 2

For Part 1 click here

Jonathan got to the apartments and when the door was opened R ran past her mom straight to Jonathan so excited to see him. He hugged her then put her down and told her to say hi to her mom. He took a trash bag of dirty clothes for her then headed out. He had given mom an opportunity to spend more time with R over a meal at McDonalds and she turned him down. He got R home and the first thing out of her mouth when she walked inside was “Will you read me a Bible story?” 

I want to pause here and point out one of the many places the Lord had prepared a way for us during this week. Their mom had been sick a week before we found out she was using. There was one day when she couldn’t get the kids from daycare so she added me to the list of approved people to pick them up. I walked into the daycare that day and began the process of picking up the kids with no problem. Z was excited to see me and so was baby sister. I gathered their stuff then headed home. I left a message with CPS to let them know what was going on and that all the kids were safe at our home. 

Amanda brought our boys over and we observed what our crazy life was about to look like. All three kids were officially placed with us Thursday, July 24th, Z’s 2nd birthday. We had run to the store to grab some cupcakes and stuck a “2” candle on top. We sang to him and took a few pictures. What a birthday memory...

I have to be honest, I don’t want you to think we’re some sort of saints who just swept in to save all the babies. I stepped in to save the babies and then thought “well crap...now what??” I wanted them safe, but I didn’t necessarily want their “safe” to be back with me. I was angry with the Lord. I was especially upset with Him when I had to open the tub of little boy and baby clothes. The same clothes that our Round 2 boys had worn when they were with us were laying right on top. I yelled at God, “Really?!?! I wasn’t ready to open this tub yet!” I pulled out what I needed for Z and baby sister and started throwing the rest back in as hard as I could. 

Then that Friday we left for a week long trip that had been scheduled for months. We were a bit cramped...

It was so great to have the extra hands as we processed all of this. R opened up to my future brother in law, Dyllon. She told him, “God saved me by bringing me to Katy and J’s house. And I don’t have bad dreams anymore.” That was the Lord’s voice speaking to me through a 3-year old. That melted the anger and made me aware of the spiritual battle that we were in the middle of. So again we pray over these kids because their lives depend on it. Again we share the gospel and become the hands and feet of Christ. Again we have to fall at the foot of the throne to be filled every moment. 

He continues to give us more than we can handle. He throws things our way that are impossible for us to do in our own strength. We have to rely purely on Him or we’ll never make it. When we began this journey we signed up for ONE baby. We got TWO not babies (R and Z). Then after we had gotten comfortable with 4 kids we got four again but Little Mister had the most extreme adjustment I had ever seen, requiring much energy from both Jonathan and I, and an infant who needed to be fed every 3 hours. And now, because getting two familiar kids wouldn’t challenge us enough He added their baby sister for a total of SEVEN (maxing out our suburban!). 

We’re not sure what this is going to look like for us. We have an existing relationship with the bio mom which is strained now from broken trust and CPS being in the middle. It’s past R and Z’s year mark of their initial removal requiring an extension. It’s also baby sister’s initial removal so her timeline doesn’t necessarily line up with theirs. It’s a lot of paper work and being told what to do again. 

We don't know if mom will get them back or not. We don't know what visits look like yet. We don't know much of anything. BUT we continue to place our hope in Jesus because we’ll sink if we don’t. He is the Author and Perfecter. He knew this was all going to happen and He knows what is to come. And that right there is the biggest relief to a foster parent. 

Already so many people have stepped in and given us clothes and hair accessories, provided fun entertainment for them and set up meals for us. We are blown away by the outpouring of the body of Christ. It is truly humbling and amazing. Thank you all for your help, prayers and support as we start down this familiar road. 

We're a Family of Seven. SEVEN. Part 1

Our world was turned upside down about two weeks ago. The Mitchells are now a family of SEVEN. You have to know that this was not on our radar at all. If you’ll remember from my last post we were going to take a break...It’s funny how the Lord works! 

We have stayed in touch with Round 1’s mom since they returned in April. We would meet up for dinner or lunch or hang out and all play together. We enjoyed still being able to be a part in R and Z’s life. We have walked through several struggles with their mom and have helped where we could. 

I’ve known their mom for almost a year now. I’ve celebrated some momentous victories and been there to pray with her when she was down in the valley. Trying to take every opportunity to share the gospel and God’s grace with her. About a week ago I knew something was going on that she wasn’t letting me in on. We had had an interaction about a week ago that just didn’t sit right with me. I told Jonathan my concern and he said “maybe she is bipolar” and for whatever reason I replied with “what if she’s using?”

The story began to unfold days later. She had been using and as a result was kicked out of the shelter where she and the kids were living and lost her job. She tip toed around it and we had to basically pull it out of her. Jonathan stopped by where she lived to check on her (she wasn’t returning my calls or texts) and she admitted everything to him. He asked where the kids were and she said day care. When Jonathan sat down to talk to mom she told him that Z and baby sister were at day care but R was somewhere else.

That somewhere else was the meth house where all the distributing and transactions take place. I was on the phone with him at this point when we found out where she was. Hand of the Lord moment, it was the best thing in the world that Jonathan was there having that conversation with mom and not me. When I heard where R was I saw red. I have never been that angry in my life. It took a toll on me physically. My arms started shaking and my hands were going numb. Mom tried to talk Jonathan into letting her have one more night with R before CPS took her away and Jonathan calmly said, “I think that choice has already been made. She can’t stay there.” He followed mom over there to pick R up. 

As he was getting prayed up to be prepared for whatever was ahead of him...I went in to a frenzy trying to leave the house to pick up the other two kids at daycare. I called my mom sobbing trying to explain things. She told me I needed to call CPS and let them know what was happening so no one thought we were trying to snatch these kids. She also told me, “You have got to calm down or CPS won’t give you these kids either!” Ha! So true! My boys were napping, I’m sure I scared the life out of them, and I ran into their room yelling, “Get up! Get up! Put your shoes on! We’ve got to go!” While they were stumbling around in their groggy slumber I called my neighbor to borrow a car seat. She brought it over as I was trying to move car seats around in our car. Seeing me in my frantic state she said, “Do you want me to just keep the boys?” Yes! What a great idea! We have a great support group!! Have I said that before?! I can’t say it enough! 

I headed toward the day care and called my sister in law. I was a wreck. I could not stop crying but finally got out what was happening with Jonathan and where I was headed. I was able to calm down and she began to pray for Jonathan’s safety. 

Read Part 2 here.

Extended Break

I've wanted to write, but have struggled with what to say. I guess I'll start with - we're taking a break from fostering. We did not come to this decision easily, but think it's the best for our family right now. We have some other areas of ministry that have recently taken the front seat. We're not sure what the Lord has in store with that for the fall, but we're trusting Him to give us wisdom and discernment. My sister is also getting married in December (yay!) and as the end of the year gets closer we'll be getting busier and busier!

I'm still in the midst of the healing process. I was talking to my sister-in-law, who also does fostering, about the grieving. We don't get updates on the boys and we won't. It's really hard to move on or heal when there's no closure. I don't know if they're being taken care of well or not. That's hard for me as a planner and control freak. While I have made a lot of progress with healing it still hurts my heart. Every baby I see reminds me of sweet Baby Boy. Heck anytime I see a baby carseat when we're out my heart stops! I hear a little boy yell or laugh and I think it's Little Mister. It still hurts but I feel the Lord softening my heart little by little towards the idea of Round 3. And when I say "little by little" I really mean like microscopically.... I'm nowhere near ready, but I can at least see it happening down the road.

My heart aches to have a child that no one else governs or decides things for. Where I actually have a say in what happens. That I don't have to take to visitations every week. That's probably selfish of me. I can admit that.

Fostering is hard, and confusing, and frustrating (among other choice words). You try to give kids what they need (Jesus, love, stability, family) at the same time agencies/CPS/attorneys are making decisions for kids they see maybe once a month. Case in point - I got a call from Little Mister and Baby Boy's attorney ad litem last week. I froze. Was he calling to tell me they're coming back? Is something wrong? No. He was calling to ask to schedule a visit that afternoon to come see the boys. We haven't had them for almost two months and he's calling about a visit. Then as if the phone call wasn't frustrating enough he responds, "Oh! I see that here in my notes. I guess I should have read that before I called."

We loved hard this time. Ran towards it with open arms. And it stabbed me in the heart. So why would I want to keep running towards it? I don't really have an eloquent answer. I don't really want to right now. I don't think we're done with fostering forever, but the Lord is still mending my broken heart.

As if you still somehow think that my life is all pulled together can I tell you that I'm really struggling? After the boys left I sulked for a while. I got lazy because I only had two kids instead of 4. I didn't have a baby who needed to be fed every 3-4 hours. And Luke and Parker are at a great age right now! They are relatively independent and don't need much. So I would escape through Pintrest, Facebook, Instagram, etc. I'm still kind of in that slump. My environment doesn't necessarily throw me to the foot of the cross every day anymore. I've gotten back in the mindset of controlling things myself and not needing Him unless it gets REALLY bad.

Self-justification is a sink hole. Me thinking that I don't need a Redeemer is so self-righteous. The Lord is not a genie in a bottle waiting to grant wishes. I don't get to just put Him on the shelf when life seems to be going ok. I so desperately need a Savior. So I confess my pride and selfishness to a gracious and loving Father. And I seek to find a way to be in fellowship with Him constantly even when life isn't running at a fast pace.

Heartbroken

Deep breaths....deep breaths....

My heart broke last Wednesday at 4:30 p.m. I got a call from the boys' CPS worker. She had some news..."the boys' mom has gotten into a rehab center that allows kids. She'll be leaving tomorrow and I'll be coming to get the boys from you early next week..." I hit my knees. I couldn't speak. I got off the phone and held my precious 17 month old as I wept. I then called Jonathan (who had Luke and Parker) and told him he needed to get home now. I sobbed and held my babies until he arrived.

He walked through the door and straight to me. He knew something had happened. I tried to get the words out and try to make sense of what I was saying. He sat and held me as we held these precious boys the Lord had brought to us.

I asked our agency worker if this had ever happened...she said "Not this fast." "Why Lord?" I cried out, "I thought these were our boys. The ones who would complete our family!" I face timed my mom (I wanted her to see why I wasn't able to speak...) She saw my face and said, "Oh, what's wrong??" And I began to cry even more as I told her the news. We began to tell family and some close friends and the encouragement and prayers began to flow in.

Can I tell you that I'm angry?! But while trying to cling to my Father through this He has shown me something about my anger. It's not all "righteous anger" like I would like to think it is. It is anger rooted in selfishness and pride. It is anger that says "I don't want my heart to hurt so much. I've never felt this much pain in my life!!" It is anger that says "I would be a better mom to them!!" And before you respond back with "But Katy! You are a better mom than SHE is!" I have to tell you...she has her sin and I have mine. And how dare I think that because my sin hasn't caused my kids to be taken away that I'm any better than she is?! To say I have a right to be angry and upset about this is to say in my heart "I don't trust You, Lord. You are not a just God. I need to tell everyone my frustrations or nothing will change." Bull$@!#.

Thursday, was Luke's last day of preschool and his graduation (Seriously Lord?!? Have I not cried enough these past few days???). As I sat holding this precious baby during nap time I was encouraged by my SIL to cling to Him not truths about Him. I asked "How do I do that?!?" and she said "Yes! That's the question." I scrolled through Twitter and saw this tweet from Kelly Minter

I thought why not...I read 1 and 2 John and was finding some neat things. Then I got to 3 John...

I read "Beloved" and it was as if the Lord Himself was speaking to me. Like He was sitting on that couch with me. My insides turned and I kept reading. This was for me. He's talking to me. They're really going to leave. But I know what He's called me to..."send them on their journey in a manner worthy of God. For they have gone out for the sake of the name..." Deep breaths....Deep breaths...

I can't shout from the rooftops enough how gracious God is. He knows what's going to happen. I don't. But in His grace and mercy He speaks to me in the secret and quiet of nap time. His peace washes over me. I still don't understand this. And I am still grieving the loss of my boys. But such holy peace I feel washing over me.

Yesterday I took every little thing in. The last nap time, the last dinner, the last goodnight kiss. After all the big boys were in bed I sat and rocked Baby Boy. Just me and him. And I told him I loved him so so much, but that Jesus loved him more. And I prayed over him and I told him I loved him over and over. And he just laid there so still looking right into my eyes.

Jonathan took the day off to be with us. Oh my heart hurts. It yearns to be a mommy to those precious boys. We were both so weepy all morning waiting for CPS to show up. She came and asked some discharge questions and we packed them up. I couldn't even watch her pull away. I didn't make it back to the house before I lost it. Jonathan held me and we cried together. We are so heartbroken and trust that the Lord will bind our broken hearts.

So where do we go from here...we don't know. Our Father has a good track record. Even when we don't know what comes next He does and He is trustworthy and loves us. So we may take the summer to rest in Him. Or He may change our hearts and have us start up again sooner. We continue to trust His perfect timing and plan.

Round 2 has been the hardest thing I've had to walk through. I have seen the body of Christ rise up around us in such an amazing way. To have people shoulder this burden of hurt with us is so humbling. These kids were their kids too. A part of their families and their hearts too. It doesn't lessen the hurt and grief, but how sweet it is to not have to hurt alone. We treasure you guys. From bringing meals, to praying, to crying with us. We love you guys.

Even when I don't feel like it...

I got a call around 11 AM this morning from CPS saying they needed to schedule a 2 hour visitation with the boys' mom. We are still waiting to hear back about Little Mister's hair follicle test he took Tuesday. I was a little confused as to why they would go ahead and schedule a visitation when we were waiting on these results.

I didn't stop crying for the rest of the day. Here's the thing...when Round 1 came to our home I felt like the Lord said "these won't be in your home forever." It was hard to get in the groove on that one. I was guarded at first because I was scared to hurt. Then I felt like the baby sitter. Then I asked the Lord to change my heart to be open and love them. I loved them but they never felt like my own kids. That's not the case this time.

I didn't hear a "these won't be in your home forever." I heard "it's going to be hard" with no end result revealed. It has already proven to be just that in the short time we've had these boys. They feel like our own kids. I don't know why it's different this time around.

I called my mom to tell her visitation had been scheduled today and I was so angry. She kept saying love them but guard your heart. After taking some time to think about that... guarding my heart... I came to this conclusion (and told my mom)...I don't know if I can fully love these boys if I'm guarding my heart. I started out guarded the first time around and I didn't interact with them like I wanted to. We don't tell people we're going to adopt these boys, but if they ask if we would adopt them we say "in a heartbeat!" The Lord knows our hearts. I have to love them like they're mine. That's why I'm in this. If they don't end up in our home He knows that and He will mend my broken heart. To which she responded, "You are so right...I guess I am just still trying to protect MY baby's heart..." And then I began to cry even more.

Today's been one of those really hard, messy, hurt my heart days. I've cried a lot. I cry out to God not knowing what to say or pray. I want their mom to find Jesus and experience redemption. But I'm also desperately in love with these boys and want to make them ours forever.

So as I sit here waiting for them to return from visitation it's hard for me to think God is faithful and sovereign because I don't know how this ends yet. I know His track record. He IS faithful and sovereign. And that's the thing. He is a good Father, He is my hope, He is my strength and comfort. Even when I don't feel like He is. How I'm feeling doesn't effect that TRUTH. He is all those things. I will proclaim it...even when I don't feel like it.

Round 2 is HERE!

We got a call yesterday. The call I had been waiting for for almost 2 weeks.

It was a sibling group of boys. The oldest not even 18 months old and a brand new baby.

Jonathan and I prayed about it and didn't have any reservations about saying yes. So we did.

Little Mister tested positive for meth when he was born over a year ago and there was an open CPS case already. Baby Boy tested positive for meth at birth as well. We will be getting Baby Boy Monday morning after he is released from the hospital. We have no experience dealing with a situation like this. And I can tell you IT IS ROUGH.

Little Mister adjusted pretty quickly here to the house and the boys. He didn't eat much and didn't seem to know how to use a sippy cup. Bath time turned out to be bath time for me and him. They had warned us that he got "emotional" during baths. Ha! That's putting it blandly. He heard the bath water running and immediately started clawing up me like a cat. He held on to me the whole time we scrubbed him down. As we understand it he came straight from his mom's house (so everything was covered in meth, including him).

Last night proved to be one of the hardest nights of my life. I rocked him and tried to put him in his crib and he screamed. New house, new room, new everything. I get it. I rocked him until he fell asleep on me then tried to transfer him to the crib. Jonathan tag-teamed and patted his back until he was back to sleep. He slept for about 1.5-2 hours and then we were up at 11 with him. This is when I started to suspect he was having withdrawals. His body kept twitching, he couldn't sit still, he was itching and rubbing his face, he was smacking his lips, he was shrieking out in pain.

I moved into the living room because I didn't want our boys to wake up. I was holding him tight, rocking him, singing to him. Nothing was helping. Nothing was comforting him. I began to sob (that actually surprised him and he stopped crying...). "This is so unfair Lord!!!" I cried out. "Why must he suffer the consequences of someone else's stupid, selfish actions?!?" I prayed for healing over him. I prayed for rest. I prayed to be filled with the Holy Spirit.

I sat back down, still crying, and saw Jonathan in the door way. He said, "I heard crying...that wasn't a baby..." He helped me so much last night. Little Mister would not go to Jonathan or get anywhere near him. So Jonathan just sat with me and held my hand. Got Little Mister water. Sat in the mud with me. Little Mister was wide awake from about 11 PM - 4 AM. He woke up every hour until about 8. His little body shaking, fidgeting. Jonathan still woke up at 6 AM and corralled our boys in their room for a few hours so Little Mister and I could sleep.

I asked my friend, Kayla, this morning the signs of withdraw and she replied, "smacking, sucking, itching, twitching, extreme irritability, scratching, sleeplessness...how was the night?" To which I replied, "You just described my night!"

We then went to watch Blake play baseball and really enjoyed getting out of the house for a bit. It warmed my heart (and always does) when Kayla and Joe loved on Little Mister.

I have cried a lot already and we're not even at 24 hours. My heart breaks for him. I feel so helpless. I am so exhausted. Patience and love as Kayla told me. But it's got to be from Jesus because I'm already through my supply. Oh Jesus, come be our strength and patience and love.

Would you pray with us? Little Mister will hopefully be tested Monday to see if there is meth in his hair follicle. That could determine how this is going to end. The plan as of now is reunification. And then there's the fact that come Monday morning we will have a 4 day old.

We love seeing redemption that comes through Jesus. We love doing this fostering thing together. But seriously the support group that we have in family and friends makes this journey so much richer. That's probably another reason I've been crying so much already. The outpour of encouragement and prayer we've already received humbles me so much. We appreciate you. We are thankful for the friendships. Thank you for coming along on our journey. We will continue to update you as we learn.

The end of Round 1

The littles' mom had a court date April 4th. She was approved to get the kids back. They were ready. I got the official word and started packing their things up. That Friday was very sad for me. I saw emptiness everywhere... all of their belongings gone, empty dressers, empty cups where their toothbrushes were, etc. I can't even describe the range of emotions I was experiencing.

We took their mom and the kids out to eat that night to celebrate all of her hard work. We also got to to tell her that the Lord had miraculously provided for her. We approached some friends about selling their car to Mom (even though they weren't actively trying to sell it). They were interested in selling and then came back later to say "It sounds like she needs it more than we do. She can just have it." Can I just shout from the rooftops how awesome God is?!?! We could have never guessed that would happen.

It has been a little over one week since we packed up Little Miss and Little Man up to move back in with their mom. We got to see them last night to celebrate Little Miss' birthday. We continue to pray for wisdom and discernment in what that relationship needs to look like.

From the beginning of this "documenting" our experience in foster care I wanted this blog to be a method of pointing people to Jesus. I wanted to be authentic and real and through that bring glory to the sovereign God. I wanted to show that this whole fostering thing isn't just for a certain type of person. I'm not this awesome, selfless person. None of us are. So many people have praised us. And Jonathan and I have struggled to find a response to that. We know ourselves. We know our heart. We know our selfish thoughts and actions. We know how much we've yelled at all four of the kids.

There's a difference, for me, in loving my boys and loving them. There were days when I felt like the babysitter. But as I sat there in the quiet that Friday night my heart ached. And I felt the tearing begin. And I was grasping for control of this situation and I could not hold on. I think of how hard their life is going to be. And how I won't get to "supervise" how they're doing, acting, developing. And I know in my head that the Lord is good and sovereign. But my desire to want to grab ahold and control every ounce of it is very much there.

Can I just tell you that I make a crappy god? I do. You do too. Anytime I try to pry the reins out of the Almighty God's hands I am trying to make myself god. And in His merciful, abounding, unconditional grace He still loves me. What?!

We so need Jesus. We need Jesus to do this fostering thing. We need Jesus to do this parenting thing. We need Jesus to do the working thing. We need Jesus. And it blows my freaking mind that He wants to use me in any way at all!

So we're back on the list for another child. Honestly I can say I'm ready for another child to be welcomed in to our home. And at the same time I think am I crazy?! I'm excited about starting the heartache and the uncertainty and the frustration again??? Yes. When you pray for God to give you His heart, He does it. And you're completely wrecked over it.

So now we wait....and pray that our hearts would be full and we would walk in obedience in what the Lord is calling us to. Something we heard last weekend at Pine Cove really resonated with us...When you allow the Lord's love to flow through you it is a never ending current. He gets to decide who comes in and for how long.

He has to be our source or we go under. Thank you for keeping up with us, encouraging us, praying for us. Here's to Round 2!

Fostering Update

A lot has happened in the last month. I couldn't believe it had been that long since I updated the blog. We have so much crazy it just all runs together.

First things first… their dad is back in jail. I'm not sure if he even lasted a whole week. Supposedly he's in for 12 years. I don't believe their rulings anymore.

Extended unsupervised visits are going extremely well. The kids' mom found a babysitter to watch baby #3 until she's old enough to go to daycare. She found a job!! Very proud of her. Because of her current work schedule we have visitation on Sundays for almost the whole day. She has them for lunch, nap and dinner. Mom has even called me with questions like how I get Little Miss to eat. So much vulnerability in calling and asking me. I just loved it. As far as I can tell or have been told she only needs to find a place to live before they will approve reunification.

After taking the kids for a check-up back in January we found out that they are both tongue tied. Little Miss' is much more severe than Little Man's. They have recommended surgery for her to clip it. Because of her age she will have to go under meaning it goes above our "medical consent". We are currently waiting for all attorneys and judge to sign off on this before moving forward. This might be a little tricky because their attorney ad litem has decided he's not taking anymore cases and no one has taken that place. So we don't know if we'll be waiting on a replacement or if one attorney and the judge will be enough to approve this.

I have established quite the relationship with mom. And I really enjoy this aspect. The Lord has blessed us with a mom who is really trying hard and is easy to talk to. He continually brings up opportunities for me to talk to her about things that have been heavy on my heart but not wanting to sound "holier-than-thou". He is so faithful in the smallest details.

We also found out today that our CPS case worker has been transferred and we'll be getting someone new. I think I shouted "No!!!" when I read it. We have loved her. She loves these kids and wants what's best for them. She loves mom and isn't afraid to give her tough love. She has been so easy to talk to about things. We're going to miss her. And mom and I confessed to each other tonight how nervous we were to meet the new case manager.

I have gotten ok with dropping the kids off for visitation. Today was hard because I had both our boys with me when I did so. Little Miss and Little Man got out of the car and we began to pull away. Both the boys were so sad. I began to talk to them about the goal of reunification. I asked Luke if he had any other questions and he replied, "Yea…I have a few…" And he did. And they were good questions. "I thought their house wasn't safe? Our house is safe and their mommy's house is safe? We can't forget to pack up her pink gorilla! Will we ever see them again?" And on and on.

We went on to Bible Study and I dropped them off in the nursery and headed to my class. I called my mom to give her the latest and I just lost it. I told her about Luke's "few" questions. I told her about the case manager transfer. And I told her that this morning I had tried to get Little Miss to start calling me Katy instead of Mommy. She was confused and said to me, "I not Katy?!" and kept on with the mom.

Because it's not really possible to just rip the bandaid off in this situation I'm trying to sever little things the closer we get. She doesn't know what Mommy means. I couldn't even handle it tonight when Jonathan got out of the car when we picked them up. Little Miss ran to him shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" It breaks my heart because she won't have that when she goes back to mom. She's going to ask her mom where Daddy is and she will be talking about Jonathan. I don't understand many things that go on in this world. And why the Almighty God allows things like kids not having a Daddy in their life. But I will some day. And until I see Him face to face I know I can trust His sovereignty and His faithfulness. He's got the track record to prove it!

So we fall on our faces and we pray for these precious children who didn't get to choose this situation. And we pray for conviction of the Holy Spirit for mom that she will rise up and fear the Lord. And for their dad, that I don't even know if they remember, that he would come to Jesus and act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with God.

Too long for a Facebook status

It's happening. My heart is shattering. I'm bursting into tears at random times (more than usual anyway). 

Baby #3 is here and appears to be healthy and whole. Thank you Jesus! Mom took baby home with her. We will start extended unsupervised visits tomorrow. 

I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me this week. I knew this was a possibility, but now it's the official plan. 

We went to the hospital to visit. Before we left, mom called and said that dad had just gotten out of jail (he was supposed to be in for 15 years) and was up at the hospital. Another rug pulled out from under me. I had written him off. No need to worry about something that wouldn't be happening for 15 years. She sent him away when we headed up there (because he doesn't have a service plan yet and is not allowed to see them). I no longer felt safe heading up there by myself so Amanda graciously watched our boys while Jonathan and I took the littles up to the hospital. 

Mom was waiting for us in the parking lot. We walked up and waited for the nurses to bring the baby back in. It was good she had some one on one time with them before baby was there. It's strange to see them with her. There's not the same comfort there like there is with us. Baby eventually came in and we took family pictures with all 4 of them. Little Miss got to feed baby a bottle. It was humorous watching her try to shove it down baby's mouth!

While we were there mom told me, "When I get the kids back I really want to stay in touch with you guys. They love you guys." And the opposite ends of the spectrum of emotions begin again. That's what I wanted. I want to be there to help, support and care for her and the kids any way I can. But it hurt my heart to think I wouldn't be their "momma" any more. 

We left and went out to dinner to celebrate a good friends birthday. It was such a fun and adventurous distraction from everything. 

Today I've done alright. Tried to hold them a little longer that usual. Forced more kisses on them. And then I got another call from CPS. It seems they will be trying to set up visitations for dad. What!?!?! I yelled on the inside!! He just got out of jail and you're going to let him see them?!?! He's basically a stranger to these kids! Little Man already has a hard time going to see mom and they expect me to hand him over to dad?? I've seen that look of terror and betrayal in their eyes as I hand them over and take them back. I've cried with Little Miss. We've come so far just to start over? Granted this is only happening if he can stay clean.

A dear friend sent me an email with a song this morning before we found all of this out. Here are the lyrics: 

You said you'd never leave or forsake me

When you said, this life is gonna shake me

And you said this world is gonna bring trouble on my soul

This I know

When everything falls apart your arms hold me together

When everything falls apart you're the only hope for this heart

When everything falls apart and my strength is gone

I find you mighty and strong, you keep holding on

You keep holding on

When I see the darkness all around me

When I see that tragedy has found me

I still believe your faithful arms will never let me go

And still I know

Sorrow will last for the night

But hope is rising with the sun, its rising with the sun

There will be storms in this life

But I know You will overcome, you have overcome

Fee - Everything Falls

The thing I can and have to cling on to is that He is there to hold me through all the uncertainties. Another friend shared the verse in Exodus with me today that says "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." This may be the first time in a while I have had a battle where there was nothing I could do in my own strength. You know I've had the battles where I try this and I try that and nothing works and then I eventually hand it over to the Lord. This isn't one of those. I don't have anything to try here. I don't have a play. I can only be still and let Him fight. 

Just like with my own kids, I know the Lord loves Little Miss and Little Man more than I or their mom ever could. Even when I don't understand what is happening around me I know He is good. I know He is sovereign. And I know He is trustworthy. I've seen it with my own eyes. There are so many times in my life He's proven Himself to be all of those things and more. This time is no different. It's still hard when you're in the trenches. But I'm not standing still alone. 

It's time...

This week is what I've been waiting for since the weekend we got the kiddos in October. This week their mom will be having baby #3.

The week before Christmas we met with the kids' CPS worker for her monthly visit. During that visit she told us what was discussed at the most recent Permanency Conference. If mom keeps doing like she's doing and baby #3 does not test positive for drugs at birth they will move forward with reunification. She will have time to adjust to new baby then they will start unsupervised extended visits (3-4 hrs a week) with mom where she is staying. My heart began to sink. If things go well with that they will then move forward with weekend visits with mom (probably an every other kind of situation). My heart breaks.

Here I've been asking friends to pray that I would be able to let my guard down to bond with them. To love them even though it feels like I'm just the babysitter sometimes. And the Lord has answered that! Just in time for CPS to set up a reunification plan…It doesn't look the same as with my kids but there's definitely a bond.

The next day was their visitation with mom. Jonathan stayed at home with our boys so I could run some errands after I dropped the littles off. I ended up crying the whole way from visitation to Target. Crying out to the Lord, "My heart hurts so bad!" It took me a while to compose myself before I could actually walk in to Target. (Our family has a splotchy crying face curse or the crying Rudolph nose) I wanted to get mom a Christmas card and I stood in the card aisle at Target for a while. There's not really a card section for this kind of thing…

Their visitation went well and we packed down our Explorer to begin our Christmas travels. I'll have to blog about the coming back to Abilene adventures soon!

So this week mom will have her baby. She has asked for the kids to come up to the hospital to see her and the baby. I had already thought about going to visit her after baby comes. I don't know if she has friends. The part that makes me a little uncomfortable is taking two kids two years and under into a hospital room with lots of "no touches" while their biological mom watches me potentially get on to her  kids right in front of her.

Will you pray that the Lord will use me when we make this trip to the hospital? Will you pray that the Lord will begin to prepare my momma's heart as we might start moving toward reunification? And for the boys. Luke is particularly attached to Little Miss. It's going to break his heart if she goes back and that's going to rip my heart out of my chest. Thank you for being apart of this journey with us. We truly are so blessed to have an incredible support system as we walk through this. We will keep you all posted.

Breaking my silence...

It's been a while since I blogged. People (aka my sister) told me it was time for another. I blamed it on being busy and not having time, but the truth is I wasn't ready yet. I've been throwing a fit with the Lord and I wasn't quite finished and hadn't gotten to "learning the lesson" part yet. Whining on my blog does not bring glory to Him. So I waited…until now.

**Warning: long blog post ahead**

So my toddler temper tantrum…I was mad at God. And if you know me, you might have been able to read through the lines in my previous posts. I tried to play it off with humor, but I was just trying to mask it. You see, I wanted a baby. I wanted to start from scratch. I didn't want to have to worry about time outs and not being able to spank when they yelled "no!" back at me. And I was going to let Him know about it.

I was calloused toward Little Miss (especially) and Little Man. They were not what I pictured for our family. And I was taking it out on them (not like beating them or anything just being harder on them). I knew it but I didn't know how to change it. I wasn't finished throwing my fit. I didn't understand why I was acting like this. This seemed so un-me to not be loving and silly with kids.

Cue first road trip as a family of six. I am not elaborating when I say it was the road trip from hell. I have a voice memo to prove it if you don't believe me. You can read more about our Thanksgiving experience HERE.

We finally arrived at Mitchell Thanksgiving and I was just in a bad mood. I was tired of kids screaming. I was tired of all of them needing something (selfless I know…). There were 23 of us in that house that weekend. Of that, 13 were kids. Tell me that's not an equation for a relaxing weekend. My SIL with the two older kids was a lifesaver that weekend. Helping get the kids food, feeding them, entertaining them. I begged her to come back home with us several times!

That night one of my BIL's who does foster to adopt, as well, changed my life. I explained to him that I was really struggling with this whole "having a girl" thing. And if we were asked tomorrow if we would adopt them I didn't know what I would say. I know, you're all like "What?! You're not attached to them?!" right…I wasn't (a month in) and that was what I was working through. He told me the simplest thing that just knocked the breath out of me…"It's ok to say no." What?? People do this and say no? That's where I was struggling. I felt so isolated thinking I was the only person to do this thing and not feel attached or feel guilty when I was leaning toward no. It's always so romanticized "We got the call and it was love at first sight…never imagined our family a different way." (I've not heard people say that it's just what I imagine…) I wasn't ready to say no or throw in the towel, but hearing that lifted a huge burden.

The next night after all our littles were in bed my SIL (with the older kids) invited me to sit with her and to breathe :) And the Lord orchestrated the perfect conversation between us at the perfect time. She called me out with the whole throwing a fit thing. She told me that she was so blessed by reading my blog…at the beginning. It was like she was getting a front row seat with my relationship with the Lord, but that had changed in the last few posts. She said, "You're not abiding anymore." BAM. I knew it. I just hadn't been called out on it. She asked why and I said "I'm throwing a fit and I'm not done yet." (Oh Emmanuel, thank you for Your grace and mercy toward me.) We then began to talk about spiritual warfare. And the difference between crazy and chaos. Chaos is what the enemy uses to distract and to pull away and isolate. I was right in the middle of it and I didn't even know it. There was a battle going on for these kids and I wasn't doing my job defending them. The enemy will do anything to keep those kids from receiving the love that they so desperately need from the Lord.

I so needed that time with her directing me back to the Source. Another SIL pointed out that the actions I was so frustrated with with Little Miss (deliberate rebellion, yelling back in disrespect) was kinda the same thing I was doing to the Lord. Ouch. The Lord was starting to break through, but I still wasn't completely through with my fit. Now I don't want you to think that my in-laws just beat me up that weekend. I was asking for their advice and they gave it in love because they care for me. And I am truly blessed to have in-laws who truly love me enough to say the hard things to me if needed.

That next Monday we had a 2 hour visitation with mom. I dropped them off and Little Man cried when I handed him over. Mom said, "Aw I think he kinda likes you." Um….I don't even know what to say. Yea I guess so since he thinks I'm his mom?! I didn't though. I just blamed his fussiness on the antibiotics he was on. When I picked them up Little Miss got into the car without a tear or a fuss! What!? Thank You Lord!

Next road trip…5 stinkin' hours. Hallelujah. Praise Jesus. This was the miracle car ride that I had been waiting for!! While in Palestine, I spoke with family risking them finding out my true feelings. I heard all kinds of advice and opinions. And I can not tell you how hard it is to have the people you trust the most and value advice from saying different things. I don't make decisions well by myself. Example: I just started putting Christmas decorations up and I arranged 3 little trees then immediately sent a picture to my SIL to make sure it was ok. I do that all the time with every. little. thing. To hear "you gave it a shot maybe it's not for you guys"… and from someone else "you would seriously say no to them?!" That doesn't make it easy on this indecisive momma! Maybe that's the Lord saying "you and Jonathan and Me. That's it. We're doing this."  People are going to make judgements whatever you do, right? :)

What I was feeling was really similar to postpartum depression. Is that even possible when you don't actually have the kid?! I don't know but it makes the most sense in describing what I was feeling. The Lord, once again, orchestrated a great conversation between Jonathan and I on our way back to Abilene. I was able to really flush out what I was thinking and feeling and having Jonathan balance it out. I'm not going to see a doctor or get on medication (although I think there is a time and place for that). I'm going to work this one out with the Lord. It's a heart issue that needs to be dealt with. I have also started praying "Lord, if this is me being guarded to prevent hurt down the road I don't want to be guarded. I'm not a good mom like this. And if allowing myself to get attached and loving them better means it will hurt worse in the end I don't care. I just don't like me when I'm like this."

He is so gracious. And it's not an over night kind of change. Because they will continue to push my buttons and have, but I can see a change in my attitude. And when I am calmer and more patient by being filled with the Holy Spirit the kids are more calm. What?! :) And when we have calm days like that I don't let a second go by without giving Him the praise!! It's truly a miracle if they all 4 are playing nicely together!!

I know I've said it before, but this is therapeutic for me. Writing things out. Keeping track of where the Lord shows me His hand. Getting to flush things out. If you've made it to the end I hope you've been able to find some encouragement as the Lord works through my heart issue. Being angry is not a sin, but when the anger stems from a heart issue you've got to deal with it.

Thanksgiving - Family of 6 style

So our first road trip as a family of 6 was for Mitchell Thanksgiving. This was the worst. road. trip. ever. And I'm not even being dramatic. I have a recording to prove it.

It was sleeting as poor Jonathan was putting our "boat" on top of the car. I was stressing trying to make sure we had everything packed for 6 people. We were also preparing a meal for the 23 of us that were going to be there that weekend (13 being kids).

Thirty minutes into our trip...

- Little Man fell asleep (how this happened with all the screaming I'm not sure).

- I had to stretch my body through this to tighten Luke's car seat (yes we left without tightening him, parents of the year) that's him in the very back...

- Parker is yelling "Get me out of here!!"

- Little Miss apparently didn't like that Little Man was sleeping and leaned over and yelled at him, "Wake up!!" I don't take kindly to people who wake up my kids. My other kids included.

- (he may kill me for blogging this one day but…) Luke was crying and yelling because his tummy was hurting. We made it all of 10 minutes down the road before we had to stop for him to try to poop. With no success.

I think it was at the end of the first 30 minutes Jonathan pulled over to spank Parker because he would not stop yelling. He still wouldn't stop so I moved to the "not a seat at all" seat here…me and the cooler were tight after this.

Probably not the wisest parenting move at the time, but I didn't care. I did not want to stop again! I'm sure you can tell what level of caring I was at by my expression...

This is how I spent the remainder of our trip to Kaufman. And of course they fall asleep 5 minutes after me moving back there… and the two littles start yelling. I tell ya…

We survived the crazy of that many people under one roof and enjoyed the conversations we had. (Can read more about those conversations HERE.) We had a huge Thanksgiving dinner that was awesome and enjoyed the "Newly Wed Game". I think we tied for second place. There aren't a lot of pictures I can post because of the littles and Jonathan's sister and brother in law have 2 foster kids as well.

Our next Thanksgiving was to Palestine for the Taylor side. Family loved finally being able to meet our littles and they adjusted quickly to the farm. I loved being able to see my baby Shane again! I hadn't gotten to see him since he was born! :( I may have been a baby hoarder…sorry family…

 This was Mom trying to put out the grease fire in the grill while Dad, Jonathan & Bek were hunting!

The kids enjoyed adventures on the farm and I got to have a ladies only lunch away! A little less stressful this time, but still an adjustment!

We have already decided we will be needing a Uhaul for our Christmas trips! I'm not even kidding… stay tuned for pics! Ha!

Fridays are hard....

I'm learning quickly that Fridays are hard on our family. The range of emotions I'm feeling is exhausting. 

It starts with being stressed about packing lunches for the littles for visitation, then new diapers/potty run (and of course one chooses that's the perfect time to poop!), then loading four kids in the car (Parker was loosing it because I just ran out of time to put socks and shoes on him), driving crazy (but safely of course) to get to the appointment on time! 

Then it's a rush of happiness as I see Little Miss' reaction to seeing mom. And seeing mom tear up seeing her babies. And mom's appreciation for what we're doing blesses me so much. 

Then it's the quiet ride home missing two kids. And I'm sad we're missing half of our crazy. 

Today was the first time I noticed Luke getting really emotional about it himself.  As we were pulling out of the parking lot Luke said, "Mom, I really miss my sister." I look in the mirror at him to see him wiping tears from his eyes. I explained we would be back to get them in a little bit. But also took this time to explain our goal of reunification. How do you explain that to a 4 year old?! I'm not going to give him details about why mom can't have her own kids.  So I just say "Sometimes mommies and daddies aren't able to take care of their kids. It's not a safe place or they're sick. So CPS (that's another difficult one to explain) puts kids in a safe place until their home is safe again." Slowly hitting him he asks, "So then they'll be gone forever?!?" And I lost it. And had to break my kids heart and say "Yes. If their mommy gets better." 

It's one thing for me to have all these emotions, but to see my 4 year old start to understand and feel the emotions...it's hard for this momma's heart. I know the Lord has called us to this. And I know He knew how it would effect my kids. It's still hard to see your kid cry over his "sister". 

We are excited as the holidays quickly approach. And we get to share the littles with our family (we haven't been able to send pictures). We are also a tad apprehensive as we plan and pack for our first road trip as a family of 6 in an explorer. Jonathan is a little more excited that our car now screams "Griswold family vacation"... 

Wave and honk if you see us... I'll be the one with the really big hat, scarf and sunglasses....

He remains faithful

I don't normally blog this much about our life, but I have found it to be therapeutic almost to write things out as I process them. And the Lord is revealing so much to me through this process that I wanted to share with others who are thinking of going down this road of fostering kids.

I heard over and over it was going to be hard. I knew that was true I just didn't know what kind of "hard" it was going to be. I mean, adding another child to your family is hard. Having a baby in the house is hard. Adding two kids 2 years old and under is hard. I thought the Lord and I had a deal you see. After having an infant and a 2 year old I was ready to put some more space between Mitchell baby #3. Like at least 3 years... So when we signed up to become foster parents I wrote down 0-1 years. I like babies. I'm good with babies. That's my comfort zone. Jonathan not so much so he wanted me to write down 18 months or a little older as our highest cut off. We compromised and technically wrote 0-1 yrs on the paperwork but would be willing to discuss a child who was older.

I can tell you now, from experience, it's hard. I wanted 3 years between Parker and the next child. The Lord gave me 2 months. I wanted an infant. The Lord gave me a 15 month old. I am starting to think He doesn't want me to be comfortable in the little comfort zone I had in mind! I also think that sometimes He puts things in front of us to get our attention. Would I have been stretched out on the floor on my face before Him with one baby? No. Honestly, I would have gotten into a schedule and would have carried on with my life like before in my own strength. If I am not plugging in to the Lord it gets ugly. Fast.

Jonathan called me out (in love of course!) the other day after hearing I used nap time to catch up on Parks and Recreation on Netflix. A reminder to ask the Holy Spirit to fill me every minute, hour and day instead of selfishly vegging on the couch thinking "I've earned a little down time." Today marks 2 weeks since the littles came into our home. And wanting to share all sides of this thing (not just the pretty side)...I've already questioned the Lord (several times) this week if He made a mistake. I think "Lord, this is too hard. This is too much. Are you sure this is what You want?" Yesterday morning I read from 2 Timothy 2 and it kicked me in the gut. "if we are faithless, He remains faithful - for He cannot deny Himself." It put a word to what I was feeling...faithless. Ouch. And what a beautiful reminder that even though I am faithless He will always be faithful because that's who He is. He can't not be faithful. Oh how I don't deserve His love and faithfulness. And in moment's like this it brings tears to my eyes.

He is refining me. He is bringing the selfishness inside of me out so He can scrape it away. He's showing me the expectations and plans that I had and showing me that I need to let go. I am currently in a stand off with Little Miss about finishing her breakfast. I'm pretty sure she's not finishing to spite me. And even in something as petty as finishing breakfast the Lord is revealing that my fuse is pretty short when it comes to kids eating their food. Really?! Who cares! Apparently I do. Turns out my fuse is short with a lot of things...fixing girl hair (I'm clueless!!), the amount of shrieking girls do, the amount of crying girls do, the whole having 4 kids running around chaos thing.

As frustrated as I get with the Lord for allowing chaos to come in to my comfortable order...I am also amazed at what a personal God He is to His children. Yes, He is using us to share His love with these kids and provide a safe home. But simultaneously, He is opening my eyes to the issues I needed to deal with that wouldn't have been brought up without a chaotic situation. I keep thinking things will settle down and we'll find a groove, but I'm pretty sure this is how our normal is going to look for a while.

We have our second scheduled visitation with mom today. And we will be filling out the paperwork with our agency to have the littles officially placed with us. Basically what that means is that we will be their medical consent and officially be their foster parents.

And I have to give a huge shout out to our friends who have fed us the past two weeks!!! I would like to write thank you notes to all of you, but it may not be until next year. And I was told by one that I would be slapped if I wrote her a thank you note. I don't think I can out run her so I'll just thank you all publicly! :)