I am numb. I'm a ball of emotions inside which is probably why I'm staying numb. So much has happened in the past 10 days. I haven't been able to process it all. Maybe if I just start from the beginning...
Dad had been diagnosed with cancer for the second time. We were gearing up for surgery the Monday before Christmas. While we were there we learned that the tumor had grown very rapidly and they were not going to be able to operate. We all felt like someone punched us in the gut. Instead of surgery Dad went through two rounds of chemo to try to at least stop the growth of the tumor. It was getting very close to his left eye and bulging down from the roof of his mouth. Surgery was rescheduled for January 12th.
That was the Monday before the older two blondes' hearing. I would be missing it and Jonathan would have to handle those logistics without me. We anticipated that they would go back that week so I had begun packing all of their clothes, toys and new Christmas presents they had just gotten. I left the Sunday before Dad's surgery to be with our family in Houston. Jonathan's mom came out for the week to help him with the five kiddos.
We had a sweet time together the night before the surgery. Even facing the unknown, Dad was not shaken. His feet were firmly planted on Abba Father's truth and sovereignty. Such a legacy he has given to us by example. We laid hands on him and prayed through our tears. Trusting him to the Almighty Healer. I didn't like the circumstances. None of us did. I didn't like thinking about my Daddy being in pain. And yet in those moments of doubt...God is good. It's one of those times where your heart doesn't really feel like He is good, but you know He has to be good. Even if it's not "good" to us. Jesus cannot not be good. It's who He is. He has proven it over and over again.
No one really slept that night and before we knew it is was 4:30 AM and time to get up. We headed over to surgery check in and waited. We took turns rotating in to say our goodbyes before the surgery and "See you soon!" We all stood there and watched him be rolled back. I really feel like that was the first of many blessings that day. The nurses let us all give him one more hug together. And we turned away and sobbed and held each other. I've never felt anything like that and I hope I don't have to again.
We heard good news after good news from the doctors as they finished their sections of the surgery. The tumor had not only gotten smaller from the chemo, but it had started to die. There was good margin around it to remove it all cleanly. We all took a deep breath and waited anxiously to get to see him in recovery. We all felt a little self-conscious as we cried and wore our "#WEARENOTSHAKEN" t-shirts. We would explain, "We're not shaken! But we're a little stirred!" The road ahead is long, but we are so thankful for what the Lord has already done and how His name has been glorified through this.
When Dad was still in ICU on Wednesday, I got a phone call from CASA about the hearing. The older two were going back that night. In a way I was glad I wasn't there having to face my emotions about that decision. While I was there in Houston, my focus and emotions were focused on Dad. Jonathan handled packing the rest of their things and taking them up to CPS office to be transferred back to their parents. Jonathan later asked Luke how he was feeling about it and if he was sad. Luke's response was, "Yeah I'm a little sad. But laundry will be easier." Oh thank You Lord for the laughter in the midst of pain.
Today was Baby Sister's hearing and she'll be reunited with her parents and siblings in a few weeks. And because I don't typically sugar coat things here....My heart aches but it also rejoices. This has been the weirdest tug of emotions. I want to not have five kids, but I don't like the circumstances that will bring that. I've known since the first time I met the older two in October 2013 they weren't my kids. And I can't explain how the bonding happens/doesn't happen. I really struggled with not bonding with them or getting attached. People would say "Oh I know it's got to be so hard you get so attached." And I'm just sitting there like....uuummm....not really. And maybe one day I'll write a more detailed blog about my feelings about foster care and what I've learned.
Until then, know that I am not good. If there is any good in me it is solely because of Jesus. What a radical thought that when the Father looks at me He sees Jesus and His righteousness. Blows me away.
So now as I sit here in the quiet (because oh my gosh my house is quiet now!?) I prepare for Baby Sister to be reunited with her parents in a few weeks. And I worry about her being in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar parents because she hasn't seen them in a while. Oh I pray for her protection along with her older two siblings. I pray for these kids' parents that they would find Jesus and know Him. I pray for these kids' salvation and that the time the Lord has allowed them to be with us would be seeds that are deeply rooted in their lives. And I pray that He will help me trust that He is good. Always.
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