My Tattoos

I may or may not have the "itch" again...the time in between each one seems to be getting shorter! So while I'm thinking tattoos anyway I thought I would write out the stories behind my current ones. 

My tattoos started in college. I was a sophomore at East Texas Baptist University. I always joked that that was where people went to become pastors or parents had sent their kids there to be straightened out. But I digress.... I had always wanted a tattoo, but that year of my life I didn't want to have anything to do with the Lord. I don't have a picture of that one. While the actual tattoo design doesn't have any meaning to me (no I don't regret it), the reminder of that time in my life drives who I am today. That was the first time in my life that the Lord's GRACE clicked with me. I had been a "good" girl all through high school. That year I knew I had done nothing to deserve it. I was not "good" by the Bible belt's standard. I had put my family through the ringer. I had caused a lot of grief and worry to my friends. And even still He loved me and poured out His mercy and grace. Simultaneously justified while a sinner. He did that through those surrounding me too. 

POWER. In 2012, I signed up to go to Zambia for a week of Camp Life put on by Family Legacy. (You can read about that story HERE) I knew it was something the Lord was calling me to, but it wasn't exactly easy leaving Jonathan and my 3 and 1 year old boys at home. 2 Timothy 1:7 became one of my favorite verses as I confessed my fear to Jesus:

"For God has not given us a spirit of fearfulness, but one of POWER, love and sound judgement." I wanted a permanent reminder for something I've struggled with all my life. That trip to Zambia got the ball rolling with our heart for the orphan. Which eventually led to us becoming the hands and feet of Jesus to the kids in front of us in Abilene.  

ARROWS. I have wanted a tattoo for each of my boys for a while. I just didn't know exactly what I wanted. In 2014 I decided on arrows because of Psalm 127:3-5:

"Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. Like ARROWS in the hands of a warrior are children born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them." 

I designed each arrow and took it to the tattoo artist. 

REFUGE. This one came about because of our journey with foster care. There is a lot you get bombarded with while fostering kids. Lots of people you answer to, lots of people telling you what to do, where to be. Visits with all the agencies involved, visits with the parents. It's overwhelming to live like you're in a fish bowl with everyone watching and evaluating. So I clung to Psalm 91:4:

"He will cover with His feathers, and under His wings you will find REFUGE."

Last summer I also wanted one more added, but hadn't settled on the design. I tend to take a while to design it, but once I have it finished it's hard for me to sit and wait! Delayed gratification is not my thing. It's actually the one I'm getting my "itch" for now. You'll have to stay tuned for that one, but the theme for it will be HOPE. 

So much has happened...

I am numb. I'm a ball of emotions inside which is probably why I'm staying numb. So much has happened in the past 10 days. I haven't been able to process it all. Maybe if I just start from the beginning...

Dad had been diagnosed with cancer for the second time. We were gearing up for surgery the Monday before Christmas. While we were there we learned that the tumor had grown very rapidly and they were not going to be able to operate. We all felt like someone punched us in the gut. Instead of surgery Dad went through two rounds of chemo to try to at least stop the growth of the tumor. It was getting very close to his left eye and bulging down from the roof of his mouth. Surgery was rescheduled for January 12th.

That was the Monday before the older two blondes' hearing. I would be missing it and Jonathan would have to handle those logistics without me. We anticipated that they would go back that week so I had begun packing all of their clothes, toys and new Christmas presents they had just gotten. I left the Sunday before Dad's surgery to be with our family in Houston. Jonathan's mom came out for the week to help him with the five kiddos.

We had a sweet time together the night before the surgery. Even facing the unknown, Dad was not shaken. His feet were firmly planted on Abba Father's truth and sovereignty. Such a legacy he has given to us by example. We laid hands on him and prayed through our tears. Trusting him to the Almighty Healer. I didn't like the circumstances. None of us did. I didn't like thinking about my Daddy being in pain. And yet in those moments of doubt...God is good. It's one of those times where your heart doesn't really feel like He is good, but you know He has to be good. Even if it's not "good" to us. Jesus cannot not be good. It's who He is. He has proven it over and over again.

No one really slept that night and before we knew it is was 4:30 AM and time to get up. We headed over to surgery check in and waited. We took turns rotating in to say our goodbyes before the surgery and "See you soon!" We all stood there and watched him be rolled back. I really feel like that was the first of many blessings that day. The nurses let us all give him one more hug together. And we turned away and sobbed and held each other. I've never felt anything like that and I hope I don't have to again.

We heard good news after good news from the doctors as they finished their sections of the surgery. The tumor had not only gotten smaller from the chemo, but it had started to die. There was good margin around it to remove it all cleanly. We all took a deep breath and waited anxiously to get to see him in recovery. We all felt a little self-conscious as we cried and wore our "#WEARENOTSHAKEN" t-shirts. We would explain, "We're not shaken! But we're a little stirred!" The road ahead is long, but we are so thankful for what the Lord has already done and how His name has been glorified through this.

When Dad was still in ICU on Wednesday, I got a phone call from CASA about the hearing. The older two were going back that night. In a way I was glad I wasn't there having to face my emotions about that decision. While I was there in Houston, my focus and emotions were focused on Dad. Jonathan handled packing the rest of their things and taking them up to CPS office to be transferred back to their parents. Jonathan later asked Luke how he was feeling about it and if he was sad. Luke's response was, "Yeah I'm a little sad. But laundry will be easier." Oh thank You Lord for the laughter in the midst of pain.

Today was Baby Sister's hearing and she'll be reunited with her parents and siblings in a few weeks. And because I don't typically sugar coat things here....My heart aches but it also rejoices. This has been the weirdest tug of emotions. I want to not have five kids, but I don't like the circumstances that will bring that. I've known since the first time I met the older two in October 2013 they weren't my kids. And I can't explain how the bonding happens/doesn't happen. I really struggled with not bonding with them or getting attached. People would say "Oh I know it's got to be so hard you get so attached." And I'm just sitting there like....uuummm....not really. And maybe one day I'll write a more detailed blog about my feelings about foster care and what I've learned.

Until then, know that I am not good. If there is any good in me it is solely because of Jesus. What a radical thought that when the Father looks at me He sees Jesus and His righteousness. Blows me away.

So now as I sit here in the quiet (because oh my gosh my house is quiet now!?) I prepare for Baby Sister to be reunited with her parents in a few weeks. And I worry about her being in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar parents because she hasn't seen them in a while. Oh I pray for her protection along with her older two siblings. I pray for these kids' parents that they would find Jesus and know Him. I pray for these kids' salvation and that the time the Lord has allowed them to be with us would be seeds that are deeply rooted in their lives. And I pray that He will help me trust that He is good. Always.