At the end of self...there's a choice

I am at the end of my self. EVERY. MINUTE. EVERY. DAY. I am drained, exhausted, an emotional wreck and wanting to wave the white flag. It is here, at the end of my self, that I have a choice.

Sunday we sang "Oceans" in church. Some people may be tired of this song by now, but it seriously sums up my cry to the Lord currently. I couldn't even sing the chorus because of the tears flowing...

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves 

When oceans rise 

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

The oceans are rising around the Mitchell house and it is a perfect description of how overwhelmed we are currently feeling. When people ask how we're doing our answer most of the time is "We barely have our heads above water."

So when (not if - James 1:2) the oceans rise and we find ourselves at the end of our self what do we do? I love the answer that comes in the second verse of that song and that we see in scripture...

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

Isaiah 58:11 says, "And the LORD will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places (anybody else?!) and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail." Hopefully I will choose to trust in His grace that abounds, trust in His sovereign hand to guide me and to rest in the hope of His unfailing character. The majority of the time, I don't.

This weekend marked the one year anniversary of Little Miss and Little Mister coming to us the first time. I looked back over the past year and thought, "How did we end up here a year later?" In the frustration of being here, where I never thought we would be again, bitterness and anger start to creep in. My pride swells thinking I need to keep up the appearance that everything's put together and we're in control of the situation. Walking in and out of church sure shreds any notion of being a put together family. 

This week was probably the worst we've had yet. It seems like everything all came to a head. Weekly reports I have to do for all three kids (that I've been so behind on), doctor appointments, dentist appointments, dealing with bills from when they were first with us that we should have never received, dropping off and picking up from school, sorting things out with our agency, Bible study, life group prep, visitation and having to give the kids' mom and dad a ride because they missed the bus (to which she responded, "I didn't realize you were so busy." ?!?!?!?), work, home and oh yeah they have to eat... I cried out to the Lord, "I'm so beat down and overwhelmed!! And nothing can really change right now." And He quietly confronted me, "You won't let go of anything to let Me help." Ouch.

"For My yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:30

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

The Father in heaven is so gracious. He gives me multiple opportunities to choose Him when I've come to the end of me. A lot of times I feel like I start out at the end of my self! I'm trying to let go of a neat house (the kids help me there...). I am trying to let go of the fact that I haven't cooked anything but spaghetti noodles in the past 3 months.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith would be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

That is my prayer and has been. I want to be able to trust Him no matter what, no borders where I draw the line at my comfort. I'm where I never in my life would have gone myself and at the end I want to say my faith has been made stronger. It sucks a lot of the time, but how can I not give up some of my comforts when He gave up every comfort at the cross? He sacrificed it all. Himself. For me. For you. For these kids. How can I not share that with others? How can I not sing of His glorious works? I must! No matter the circumstance.