Round 2 is HERE!

We got a call yesterday. The call I had been waiting for for almost 2 weeks.

It was a sibling group of boys. The oldest not even 18 months old and a brand new baby.

Jonathan and I prayed about it and didn't have any reservations about saying yes. So we did.

Little Mister tested positive for meth when he was born over a year ago and there was an open CPS case already. Baby Boy tested positive for meth at birth as well. We will be getting Baby Boy Monday morning after he is released from the hospital. We have no experience dealing with a situation like this. And I can tell you IT IS ROUGH.

Little Mister adjusted pretty quickly here to the house and the boys. He didn't eat much and didn't seem to know how to use a sippy cup. Bath time turned out to be bath time for me and him. They had warned us that he got "emotional" during baths. Ha! That's putting it blandly. He heard the bath water running and immediately started clawing up me like a cat. He held on to me the whole time we scrubbed him down. As we understand it he came straight from his mom's house (so everything was covered in meth, including him).

Last night proved to be one of the hardest nights of my life. I rocked him and tried to put him in his crib and he screamed. New house, new room, new everything. I get it. I rocked him until he fell asleep on me then tried to transfer him to the crib. Jonathan tag-teamed and patted his back until he was back to sleep. He slept for about 1.5-2 hours and then we were up at 11 with him. This is when I started to suspect he was having withdrawals. His body kept twitching, he couldn't sit still, he was itching and rubbing his face, he was smacking his lips, he was shrieking out in pain.

I moved into the living room because I didn't want our boys to wake up. I was holding him tight, rocking him, singing to him. Nothing was helping. Nothing was comforting him. I began to sob (that actually surprised him and he stopped crying...). "This is so unfair Lord!!!" I cried out. "Why must he suffer the consequences of someone else's stupid, selfish actions?!?" I prayed for healing over him. I prayed for rest. I prayed to be filled with the Holy Spirit.

I sat back down, still crying, and saw Jonathan in the door way. He said, "I heard crying...that wasn't a baby..." He helped me so much last night. Little Mister would not go to Jonathan or get anywhere near him. So Jonathan just sat with me and held my hand. Got Little Mister water. Sat in the mud with me. Little Mister was wide awake from about 11 PM - 4 AM. He woke up every hour until about 8. His little body shaking, fidgeting. Jonathan still woke up at 6 AM and corralled our boys in their room for a few hours so Little Mister and I could sleep.

I asked my friend, Kayla, this morning the signs of withdraw and she replied, "smacking, sucking, itching, twitching, extreme irritability, scratching, sleeplessness...how was the night?" To which I replied, "You just described my night!"

We then went to watch Blake play baseball and really enjoyed getting out of the house for a bit. It warmed my heart (and always does) when Kayla and Joe loved on Little Mister.

I have cried a lot already and we're not even at 24 hours. My heart breaks for him. I feel so helpless. I am so exhausted. Patience and love as Kayla told me. But it's got to be from Jesus because I'm already through my supply. Oh Jesus, come be our strength and patience and love.

Would you pray with us? Little Mister will hopefully be tested Monday to see if there is meth in his hair follicle. That could determine how this is going to end. The plan as of now is reunification. And then there's the fact that come Monday morning we will have a 4 day old.

We love seeing redemption that comes through Jesus. We love doing this fostering thing together. But seriously the support group that we have in family and friends makes this journey so much richer. That's probably another reason I've been crying so much already. The outpour of encouragement and prayer we've already received humbles me so much. We appreciate you. We are thankful for the friendships. Thank you for coming along on our journey. We will continue to update you as we learn.

The end of Round 1

The littles' mom had a court date April 4th. She was approved to get the kids back. They were ready. I got the official word and started packing their things up. That Friday was very sad for me. I saw emptiness everywhere... all of their belongings gone, empty dressers, empty cups where their toothbrushes were, etc. I can't even describe the range of emotions I was experiencing.

We took their mom and the kids out to eat that night to celebrate all of her hard work. We also got to to tell her that the Lord had miraculously provided for her. We approached some friends about selling their car to Mom (even though they weren't actively trying to sell it). They were interested in selling and then came back later to say "It sounds like she needs it more than we do. She can just have it." Can I just shout from the rooftops how awesome God is?!?! We could have never guessed that would happen.

It has been a little over one week since we packed up Little Miss and Little Man up to move back in with their mom. We got to see them last night to celebrate Little Miss' birthday. We continue to pray for wisdom and discernment in what that relationship needs to look like.

From the beginning of this "documenting" our experience in foster care I wanted this blog to be a method of pointing people to Jesus. I wanted to be authentic and real and through that bring glory to the sovereign God. I wanted to show that this whole fostering thing isn't just for a certain type of person. I'm not this awesome, selfless person. None of us are. So many people have praised us. And Jonathan and I have struggled to find a response to that. We know ourselves. We know our heart. We know our selfish thoughts and actions. We know how much we've yelled at all four of the kids.

There's a difference, for me, in loving my boys and loving them. There were days when I felt like the babysitter. But as I sat there in the quiet that Friday night my heart ached. And I felt the tearing begin. And I was grasping for control of this situation and I could not hold on. I think of how hard their life is going to be. And how I won't get to "supervise" how they're doing, acting, developing. And I know in my head that the Lord is good and sovereign. But my desire to want to grab ahold and control every ounce of it is very much there.

Can I just tell you that I make a crappy god? I do. You do too. Anytime I try to pry the reins out of the Almighty God's hands I am trying to make myself god. And in His merciful, abounding, unconditional grace He still loves me. What?!

We so need Jesus. We need Jesus to do this fostering thing. We need Jesus to do this parenting thing. We need Jesus to do the working thing. We need Jesus. And it blows my freaking mind that He wants to use me in any way at all!

So we're back on the list for another child. Honestly I can say I'm ready for another child to be welcomed in to our home. And at the same time I think am I crazy?! I'm excited about starting the heartache and the uncertainty and the frustration again??? Yes. When you pray for God to give you His heart, He does it. And you're completely wrecked over it.

So now we wait....and pray that our hearts would be full and we would walk in obedience in what the Lord is calling us to. Something we heard last weekend at Pine Cove really resonated with us...When you allow the Lord's love to flow through you it is a never ending current. He gets to decide who comes in and for how long.

He has to be our source or we go under. Thank you for keeping up with us, encouraging us, praying for us. Here's to Round 2!