Fostering Update

A lot has happened in the last month. I couldn't believe it had been that long since I updated the blog. We have so much crazy it just all runs together.

First things first… their dad is back in jail. I'm not sure if he even lasted a whole week. Supposedly he's in for 12 years. I don't believe their rulings anymore.

Extended unsupervised visits are going extremely well. The kids' mom found a babysitter to watch baby #3 until she's old enough to go to daycare. She found a job!! Very proud of her. Because of her current work schedule we have visitation on Sundays for almost the whole day. She has them for lunch, nap and dinner. Mom has even called me with questions like how I get Little Miss to eat. So much vulnerability in calling and asking me. I just loved it. As far as I can tell or have been told she only needs to find a place to live before they will approve reunification.

After taking the kids for a check-up back in January we found out that they are both tongue tied. Little Miss' is much more severe than Little Man's. They have recommended surgery for her to clip it. Because of her age she will have to go under meaning it goes above our "medical consent". We are currently waiting for all attorneys and judge to sign off on this before moving forward. This might be a little tricky because their attorney ad litem has decided he's not taking anymore cases and no one has taken that place. So we don't know if we'll be waiting on a replacement or if one attorney and the judge will be enough to approve this.

I have established quite the relationship with mom. And I really enjoy this aspect. The Lord has blessed us with a mom who is really trying hard and is easy to talk to. He continually brings up opportunities for me to talk to her about things that have been heavy on my heart but not wanting to sound "holier-than-thou". He is so faithful in the smallest details.

We also found out today that our CPS case worker has been transferred and we'll be getting someone new. I think I shouted "No!!!" when I read it. We have loved her. She loves these kids and wants what's best for them. She loves mom and isn't afraid to give her tough love. She has been so easy to talk to about things. We're going to miss her. And mom and I confessed to each other tonight how nervous we were to meet the new case manager.

I have gotten ok with dropping the kids off for visitation. Today was hard because I had both our boys with me when I did so. Little Miss and Little Man got out of the car and we began to pull away. Both the boys were so sad. I began to talk to them about the goal of reunification. I asked Luke if he had any other questions and he replied, "Yea…I have a few…" And he did. And they were good questions. "I thought their house wasn't safe? Our house is safe and their mommy's house is safe? We can't forget to pack up her pink gorilla! Will we ever see them again?" And on and on.

We went on to Bible Study and I dropped them off in the nursery and headed to my class. I called my mom to give her the latest and I just lost it. I told her about Luke's "few" questions. I told her about the case manager transfer. And I told her that this morning I had tried to get Little Miss to start calling me Katy instead of Mommy. She was confused and said to me, "I not Katy?!" and kept on with the mom.

Because it's not really possible to just rip the bandaid off in this situation I'm trying to sever little things the closer we get. She doesn't know what Mommy means. I couldn't even handle it tonight when Jonathan got out of the car when we picked them up. Little Miss ran to him shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" It breaks my heart because she won't have that when she goes back to mom. She's going to ask her mom where Daddy is and she will be talking about Jonathan. I don't understand many things that go on in this world. And why the Almighty God allows things like kids not having a Daddy in their life. But I will some day. And until I see Him face to face I know I can trust His sovereignty and His faithfulness. He's got the track record to prove it!

So we fall on our faces and we pray for these precious children who didn't get to choose this situation. And we pray for conviction of the Holy Spirit for mom that she will rise up and fear the Lord. And for their dad, that I don't even know if they remember, that he would come to Jesus and act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with God.

Dino-mite Party!

Ah, my boys are another year older…it makes this momma's heart sad. This may be why I throw myself into the party planning! Ha!

The boys LOVE dinosaurs. They tell me all the names and facts of everyone they own (which is a lot!).  I thought it fit so well this year to have a Dinosaur Birthday Party. 

So here are the details of the party…

I printed out a dinosaur footprint on card stock. Then my mom cut it out and colored dino footprints up the sidewalk to the door. Where I had the dino wreath. Simple, simple. Got some of the boys' dinosaurs and wrapped them and attached them to the wreath. Then some simple pendants from scrap paper to add more color. 

  

I painted this sign for the entry way to match the invitation. 

I had artificial grass squares that I cut in half to make strips for the dinosaurs to stand on. I put these on the mantle with a banner and some flags.

I covered the tables in butcher paper and spread colors out for guests to write messages and color pictures. We had some very creative guests :)

 And then there was the cake. It's been a while since I've done a birthday cake. Like Luke's first birthday…

So I started my research and tried to not over do it….this is the picture I ultimately picked for inspiration. But I wanted the fossil to be edible. And the fence looked like someone took tootsie rolls and carved wood grains into them. Ain't nobody got time for that. 

  

So here's what we ended up with…

I used these cookie cutters and stamps to make the grown up favors. And then filled the kids favors with coloring sheets, colors, dino tattoos and fruit snacks. I made the labels in my scrapbooking software then cut them out with my Silhouette. 

  

And moving on to probably my favorite part :) the dinosaur photo booth! When we got this huge cardboard box around Thanksgiving I knew exactly what I wanted to do with it! My sweet husband is so patient and understanding when it comes to my crazy party planning. He was a big help in helping me make this a reality. 

I opened up the box and used my overhead projector to make a T-rex silhouette on the box. Then I cut it out and my mom helped me paint it.  I did the same for the pterodactyl and my mom painted it.

I cut the pendants with my Silhouette and attached the circles (also cut out with the Silhouette). Luke helped me string it and thought he was all that :)  

We had a great time. And the Lord was so gracious to give us a beautiful day in the 60s! Here are the rest of the photo booth pictures!

Too long for a Facebook status

It's happening. My heart is shattering. I'm bursting into tears at random times (more than usual anyway). 

Baby #3 is here and appears to be healthy and whole. Thank you Jesus! Mom took baby home with her. We will start extended unsupervised visits tomorrow. 

I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me this week. I knew this was a possibility, but now it's the official plan. 

We went to the hospital to visit. Before we left, mom called and said that dad had just gotten out of jail (he was supposed to be in for 15 years) and was up at the hospital. Another rug pulled out from under me. I had written him off. No need to worry about something that wouldn't be happening for 15 years. She sent him away when we headed up there (because he doesn't have a service plan yet and is not allowed to see them). I no longer felt safe heading up there by myself so Amanda graciously watched our boys while Jonathan and I took the littles up to the hospital. 

Mom was waiting for us in the parking lot. We walked up and waited for the nurses to bring the baby back in. It was good she had some one on one time with them before baby was there. It's strange to see them with her. There's not the same comfort there like there is with us. Baby eventually came in and we took family pictures with all 4 of them. Little Miss got to feed baby a bottle. It was humorous watching her try to shove it down baby's mouth!

While we were there mom told me, "When I get the kids back I really want to stay in touch with you guys. They love you guys." And the opposite ends of the spectrum of emotions begin again. That's what I wanted. I want to be there to help, support and care for her and the kids any way I can. But it hurt my heart to think I wouldn't be their "momma" any more. 

We left and went out to dinner to celebrate a good friends birthday. It was such a fun and adventurous distraction from everything. 

Today I've done alright. Tried to hold them a little longer that usual. Forced more kisses on them. And then I got another call from CPS. It seems they will be trying to set up visitations for dad. What!?!?! I yelled on the inside!! He just got out of jail and you're going to let him see them?!?! He's basically a stranger to these kids! Little Man already has a hard time going to see mom and they expect me to hand him over to dad?? I've seen that look of terror and betrayal in their eyes as I hand them over and take them back. I've cried with Little Miss. We've come so far just to start over? Granted this is only happening if he can stay clean.

A dear friend sent me an email with a song this morning before we found all of this out. Here are the lyrics: 

You said you'd never leave or forsake me

When you said, this life is gonna shake me

And you said this world is gonna bring trouble on my soul

This I know

When everything falls apart your arms hold me together

When everything falls apart you're the only hope for this heart

When everything falls apart and my strength is gone

I find you mighty and strong, you keep holding on

You keep holding on

When I see the darkness all around me

When I see that tragedy has found me

I still believe your faithful arms will never let me go

And still I know

Sorrow will last for the night

But hope is rising with the sun, its rising with the sun

There will be storms in this life

But I know You will overcome, you have overcome

Fee - Everything Falls

The thing I can and have to cling on to is that He is there to hold me through all the uncertainties. Another friend shared the verse in Exodus with me today that says "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." This may be the first time in a while I have had a battle where there was nothing I could do in my own strength. You know I've had the battles where I try this and I try that and nothing works and then I eventually hand it over to the Lord. This isn't one of those. I don't have anything to try here. I don't have a play. I can only be still and let Him fight. 

Just like with my own kids, I know the Lord loves Little Miss and Little Man more than I or their mom ever could. Even when I don't understand what is happening around me I know He is good. I know He is sovereign. And I know He is trustworthy. I've seen it with my own eyes. There are so many times in my life He's proven Himself to be all of those things and more. This time is no different. It's still hard when you're in the trenches. But I'm not standing still alone. 

It's time...

This week is what I've been waiting for since the weekend we got the kiddos in October. This week their mom will be having baby #3.

The week before Christmas we met with the kids' CPS worker for her monthly visit. During that visit she told us what was discussed at the most recent Permanency Conference. If mom keeps doing like she's doing and baby #3 does not test positive for drugs at birth they will move forward with reunification. She will have time to adjust to new baby then they will start unsupervised extended visits (3-4 hrs a week) with mom where she is staying. My heart began to sink. If things go well with that they will then move forward with weekend visits with mom (probably an every other kind of situation). My heart breaks.

Here I've been asking friends to pray that I would be able to let my guard down to bond with them. To love them even though it feels like I'm just the babysitter sometimes. And the Lord has answered that! Just in time for CPS to set up a reunification plan…It doesn't look the same as with my kids but there's definitely a bond.

The next day was their visitation with mom. Jonathan stayed at home with our boys so I could run some errands after I dropped the littles off. I ended up crying the whole way from visitation to Target. Crying out to the Lord, "My heart hurts so bad!" It took me a while to compose myself before I could actually walk in to Target. (Our family has a splotchy crying face curse or the crying Rudolph nose) I wanted to get mom a Christmas card and I stood in the card aisle at Target for a while. There's not really a card section for this kind of thing…

Their visitation went well and we packed down our Explorer to begin our Christmas travels. I'll have to blog about the coming back to Abilene adventures soon!

So this week mom will have her baby. She has asked for the kids to come up to the hospital to see her and the baby. I had already thought about going to visit her after baby comes. I don't know if she has friends. The part that makes me a little uncomfortable is taking two kids two years and under into a hospital room with lots of "no touches" while their biological mom watches me potentially get on to her  kids right in front of her.

Will you pray that the Lord will use me when we make this trip to the hospital? Will you pray that the Lord will begin to prepare my momma's heart as we might start moving toward reunification? And for the boys. Luke is particularly attached to Little Miss. It's going to break his heart if she goes back and that's going to rip my heart out of my chest. Thank you for being apart of this journey with us. We truly are so blessed to have an incredible support system as we walk through this. We will keep you all posted.

Breaking my silence...

It's been a while since I blogged. People (aka my sister) told me it was time for another. I blamed it on being busy and not having time, but the truth is I wasn't ready yet. I've been throwing a fit with the Lord and I wasn't quite finished and hadn't gotten to "learning the lesson" part yet. Whining on my blog does not bring glory to Him. So I waited…until now.

**Warning: long blog post ahead**

So my toddler temper tantrum…I was mad at God. And if you know me, you might have been able to read through the lines in my previous posts. I tried to play it off with humor, but I was just trying to mask it. You see, I wanted a baby. I wanted to start from scratch. I didn't want to have to worry about time outs and not being able to spank when they yelled "no!" back at me. And I was going to let Him know about it.

I was calloused toward Little Miss (especially) and Little Man. They were not what I pictured for our family. And I was taking it out on them (not like beating them or anything just being harder on them). I knew it but I didn't know how to change it. I wasn't finished throwing my fit. I didn't understand why I was acting like this. This seemed so un-me to not be loving and silly with kids.

Cue first road trip as a family of six. I am not elaborating when I say it was the road trip from hell. I have a voice memo to prove it if you don't believe me. You can read more about our Thanksgiving experience HERE.

We finally arrived at Mitchell Thanksgiving and I was just in a bad mood. I was tired of kids screaming. I was tired of all of them needing something (selfless I know…). There were 23 of us in that house that weekend. Of that, 13 were kids. Tell me that's not an equation for a relaxing weekend. My SIL with the two older kids was a lifesaver that weekend. Helping get the kids food, feeding them, entertaining them. I begged her to come back home with us several times!

That night one of my BIL's who does foster to adopt, as well, changed my life. I explained to him that I was really struggling with this whole "having a girl" thing. And if we were asked tomorrow if we would adopt them I didn't know what I would say. I know, you're all like "What?! You're not attached to them?!" right…I wasn't (a month in) and that was what I was working through. He told me the simplest thing that just knocked the breath out of me…"It's ok to say no." What?? People do this and say no? That's where I was struggling. I felt so isolated thinking I was the only person to do this thing and not feel attached or feel guilty when I was leaning toward no. It's always so romanticized "We got the call and it was love at first sight…never imagined our family a different way." (I've not heard people say that it's just what I imagine…) I wasn't ready to say no or throw in the towel, but hearing that lifted a huge burden.

The next night after all our littles were in bed my SIL (with the older kids) invited me to sit with her and to breathe :) And the Lord orchestrated the perfect conversation between us at the perfect time. She called me out with the whole throwing a fit thing. She told me that she was so blessed by reading my blog…at the beginning. It was like she was getting a front row seat with my relationship with the Lord, but that had changed in the last few posts. She said, "You're not abiding anymore." BAM. I knew it. I just hadn't been called out on it. She asked why and I said "I'm throwing a fit and I'm not done yet." (Oh Emmanuel, thank you for Your grace and mercy toward me.) We then began to talk about spiritual warfare. And the difference between crazy and chaos. Chaos is what the enemy uses to distract and to pull away and isolate. I was right in the middle of it and I didn't even know it. There was a battle going on for these kids and I wasn't doing my job defending them. The enemy will do anything to keep those kids from receiving the love that they so desperately need from the Lord.

I so needed that time with her directing me back to the Source. Another SIL pointed out that the actions I was so frustrated with with Little Miss (deliberate rebellion, yelling back in disrespect) was kinda the same thing I was doing to the Lord. Ouch. The Lord was starting to break through, but I still wasn't completely through with my fit. Now I don't want you to think that my in-laws just beat me up that weekend. I was asking for their advice and they gave it in love because they care for me. And I am truly blessed to have in-laws who truly love me enough to say the hard things to me if needed.

That next Monday we had a 2 hour visitation with mom. I dropped them off and Little Man cried when I handed him over. Mom said, "Aw I think he kinda likes you." Um….I don't even know what to say. Yea I guess so since he thinks I'm his mom?! I didn't though. I just blamed his fussiness on the antibiotics he was on. When I picked them up Little Miss got into the car without a tear or a fuss! What!? Thank You Lord!

Next road trip…5 stinkin' hours. Hallelujah. Praise Jesus. This was the miracle car ride that I had been waiting for!! While in Palestine, I spoke with family risking them finding out my true feelings. I heard all kinds of advice and opinions. And I can not tell you how hard it is to have the people you trust the most and value advice from saying different things. I don't make decisions well by myself. Example: I just started putting Christmas decorations up and I arranged 3 little trees then immediately sent a picture to my SIL to make sure it was ok. I do that all the time with every. little. thing. To hear "you gave it a shot maybe it's not for you guys"… and from someone else "you would seriously say no to them?!" That doesn't make it easy on this indecisive momma! Maybe that's the Lord saying "you and Jonathan and Me. That's it. We're doing this."  People are going to make judgements whatever you do, right? :)

What I was feeling was really similar to postpartum depression. Is that even possible when you don't actually have the kid?! I don't know but it makes the most sense in describing what I was feeling. The Lord, once again, orchestrated a great conversation between Jonathan and I on our way back to Abilene. I was able to really flush out what I was thinking and feeling and having Jonathan balance it out. I'm not going to see a doctor or get on medication (although I think there is a time and place for that). I'm going to work this one out with the Lord. It's a heart issue that needs to be dealt with. I have also started praying "Lord, if this is me being guarded to prevent hurt down the road I don't want to be guarded. I'm not a good mom like this. And if allowing myself to get attached and loving them better means it will hurt worse in the end I don't care. I just don't like me when I'm like this."

He is so gracious. And it's not an over night kind of change. Because they will continue to push my buttons and have, but I can see a change in my attitude. And when I am calmer and more patient by being filled with the Holy Spirit the kids are more calm. What?! :) And when we have calm days like that I don't let a second go by without giving Him the praise!! It's truly a miracle if they all 4 are playing nicely together!!

I know I've said it before, but this is therapeutic for me. Writing things out. Keeping track of where the Lord shows me His hand. Getting to flush things out. If you've made it to the end I hope you've been able to find some encouragement as the Lord works through my heart issue. Being angry is not a sin, but when the anger stems from a heart issue you've got to deal with it.

Thanksgiving - Family of 6 style

So our first road trip as a family of 6 was for Mitchell Thanksgiving. This was the worst. road. trip. ever. And I'm not even being dramatic. I have a recording to prove it.

It was sleeting as poor Jonathan was putting our "boat" on top of the car. I was stressing trying to make sure we had everything packed for 6 people. We were also preparing a meal for the 23 of us that were going to be there that weekend (13 being kids).

Thirty minutes into our trip...

- Little Man fell asleep (how this happened with all the screaming I'm not sure).

- I had to stretch my body through this to tighten Luke's car seat (yes we left without tightening him, parents of the year) that's him in the very back...

- Parker is yelling "Get me out of here!!"

- Little Miss apparently didn't like that Little Man was sleeping and leaned over and yelled at him, "Wake up!!" I don't take kindly to people who wake up my kids. My other kids included.

- (he may kill me for blogging this one day but…) Luke was crying and yelling because his tummy was hurting. We made it all of 10 minutes down the road before we had to stop for him to try to poop. With no success.

I think it was at the end of the first 30 minutes Jonathan pulled over to spank Parker because he would not stop yelling. He still wouldn't stop so I moved to the "not a seat at all" seat here…me and the cooler were tight after this.

Probably not the wisest parenting move at the time, but I didn't care. I did not want to stop again! I'm sure you can tell what level of caring I was at by my expression...

This is how I spent the remainder of our trip to Kaufman. And of course they fall asleep 5 minutes after me moving back there… and the two littles start yelling. I tell ya…

We survived the crazy of that many people under one roof and enjoyed the conversations we had. (Can read more about those conversations HERE.) We had a huge Thanksgiving dinner that was awesome and enjoyed the "Newly Wed Game". I think we tied for second place. There aren't a lot of pictures I can post because of the littles and Jonathan's sister and brother in law have 2 foster kids as well.

Our next Thanksgiving was to Palestine for the Taylor side. Family loved finally being able to meet our littles and they adjusted quickly to the farm. I loved being able to see my baby Shane again! I hadn't gotten to see him since he was born! :( I may have been a baby hoarder…sorry family…

 This was Mom trying to put out the grease fire in the grill while Dad, Jonathan & Bek were hunting!

The kids enjoyed adventures on the farm and I got to have a ladies only lunch away! A little less stressful this time, but still an adjustment!

We have already decided we will be needing a Uhaul for our Christmas trips! I'm not even kidding… stay tuned for pics! Ha!

Fridays are hard....

I'm learning quickly that Fridays are hard on our family. The range of emotions I'm feeling is exhausting. 

It starts with being stressed about packing lunches for the littles for visitation, then new diapers/potty run (and of course one chooses that's the perfect time to poop!), then loading four kids in the car (Parker was loosing it because I just ran out of time to put socks and shoes on him), driving crazy (but safely of course) to get to the appointment on time! 

Then it's a rush of happiness as I see Little Miss' reaction to seeing mom. And seeing mom tear up seeing her babies. And mom's appreciation for what we're doing blesses me so much. 

Then it's the quiet ride home missing two kids. And I'm sad we're missing half of our crazy. 

Today was the first time I noticed Luke getting really emotional about it himself.  As we were pulling out of the parking lot Luke said, "Mom, I really miss my sister." I look in the mirror at him to see him wiping tears from his eyes. I explained we would be back to get them in a little bit. But also took this time to explain our goal of reunification. How do you explain that to a 4 year old?! I'm not going to give him details about why mom can't have her own kids.  So I just say "Sometimes mommies and daddies aren't able to take care of their kids. It's not a safe place or they're sick. So CPS (that's another difficult one to explain) puts kids in a safe place until their home is safe again." Slowly hitting him he asks, "So then they'll be gone forever?!?" And I lost it. And had to break my kids heart and say "Yes. If their mommy gets better." 

It's one thing for me to have all these emotions, but to see my 4 year old start to understand and feel the emotions...it's hard for this momma's heart. I know the Lord has called us to this. And I know He knew how it would effect my kids. It's still hard to see your kid cry over his "sister". 

We are excited as the holidays quickly approach. And we get to share the littles with our family (we haven't been able to send pictures). We are also a tad apprehensive as we plan and pack for our first road trip as a family of 6 in an explorer. Jonathan is a little more excited that our car now screams "Griswold family vacation"... 

Wave and honk if you see us... I'll be the one with the really big hat, scarf and sunglasses....