Trusting

Jonathan and I hear the Lord saying, "trust Me" these days. That's a common Christianese term that I throw out there easily. People hear our story for the first time and I throw in a "Oh we're just trusting the Lord!" like it's no big deal. It is a big deal. 

Today after lunch I was wiping Little Miss' hands and noticed this...

Lots of little splinters that we had somehow missed seeing. Ugh not exactly what I wanted to worry about right before nap time. I wanted my "me time". I got the needle, tweezers and a wipe and started at it. Some were more infected than others. I would get pieces out that were towards the top with ease. It was the part that was deeper that made her squirm. 

She was growing impatient and asked "Do you have to do this?" I answered, "Yes I do or it will get more infected. Do you trust me?" Her innocent 3 year old answer, "Yes." It was easy for her to trust me when it didn't hurt. It may be an inconvenience to her but it didn't really hurt. It was when I got to the deeper part that the tears began to come. "Katy it hurts!" And I responded, "I know baby. I'm so sorry. I don't like hurting you. Do you trust me?" And she cried, "I don't want to!"

That's when we both started crying. Oh I know exactly how she felt. Sure God, I'll take in three extra kids. It's kind of an inconvenience, but I trust You no big deal. And when we're past that sweet honeymoon stage and our days and weeks start filling up with things that aren't easy, and I'm screaming on the inside because she is intentionally peeing in her diaper, and Little Man is screaming at the top of his lungs, and Baby Sister is fussing and wanting to be held....the Lord whispers "Do you trust Me?" And I yell back, "I don't want to!" 

There are things that the Lord is purifying in me. He's digging deeper into the wound to prevent infection. And as a parent, I know I have to inflict pain to get splinters out because it must be done. The pain now will be worth it compared to the pain that would come if I let it fester. This was such a sweet lesson the Lord allowed me to see today. He isn't throwing three extra children at me to watch me suffer and to cause pain. He is giving me the privilege of three extra children as a tool to mold me, to dig out impurities and to show areas I need to surrender to Him because He loves me and knows what is in my best interest!

So now when the days drag on and are clouded by so much uncertainty and He asks, "Do you trust Me?" I will answer, "I don't really want to because it hurts. But I know You are trustworthy and faithful. Help me to trust You." What a compassionate and kind Heavenly Father we have. 

A Good Moment

Right here, right now. This is a good moment. I'm currently sitting on my couch with the lights on. You may be wondering why on earth is that a good moment?!? Let me tell you... Nap time has been rough for us lately. I have had to separate everyone so they will sleep. Here's the catch...this house that fit us perfectly as a family of 4 is now busting at the seams with us as a family of 7 (dang, I still haven't gotten used to that number!).

Here's the usual set up: Parkerman in his bottom bunk bed, Little Man in his crib, Little Miss in my room and Baby Sister in the pack and play in the living room. Don't know if you caught it, but that leaves a corner in the kitchen for me :) But not today!! Today is the blessed first day of 3 year old Preschool and Mother's Day Out for the boys. Can I get an amen?! So today... Little Miss is in her bed and Baby Sister is in her bed leaving me on the couch with the lights on!

You have to look for the good moments because around this house they seem scarce. Or maybe I haven't been looking hard enough. This round has been especially tough. I thought we didn't get a honeymoon stage this time around because of all the familiarity. I tried to prepare myself by saying "This has got to be God's mercy on us because it can't always be this good and easy right?!?" Right. That's exactly right. It has not been that good or easy since that first two weeks.

I sent a voice memo to my family the other day of the kids playing and running through the house. They scared a few people who were standing by while they listened (whatever it takes to get more prayer!!) Dad asked if I needed his ear protection and I thought that's a great Christmas present idea! Five kids 5 yrs and under is a rowdy, loud, fussy, make you want to pull your hair out group. BUT there are those moments that you hope for...someone asking nicely to take a turn with a toy and the other saying yes and sharing (say what?!), someone doing a silly dance to make the baby smile, hearing sweet "goodnights" and "I love you J!" "I love you Katy!" You've got to hold on to those because they seem few and far between.

Here's where we are in our cases...Mom has a hearing for Baby Sister at the end of this month. From what we can gather she will be getting her "plan" to work back toward reunification. Since this is Baby Sister's initial removal she's getting a chance to start over. Little Man and Little Miss have a hearing at the end of November. From what we have heard that is the end of Mom's 4 month extension for this case. We've also heard that it is likely the judge will want to make this the final hearing for their case because their year anniversary of removal was back in June. While this makes us have serious conversations about what our next step will be...we've learned nothing about fostering/CPS/hearings are final until it's done.

The kids have been with us for a little over a month. We've seen a lot of increased negative behaviors since our "honeymoon" phase. Little Miss has reverted (she was previously potty trained) and seems to have no desire to want to change this. We have tried everything and it has been frustrating. After great advice from my sister in law, the Lord has change my attitude toward Little Miss while we continue to change diapers for a 3.5 year old. It's a bending of the will situation and only the Lord can change that heart issue. I've never prayed so much about going potty! :) Today we took Baby Sister to get her ECI evaluation and Little Miss sat on the couch as we waited. She put her feet in the seat and I reminded her shoes don't go on the couch and she replied, "Yes ma'am." Good moment.

Little Man either whispers all sweet his "thank you", "yeah!", "ok" or he is shrieking/yelling. There doesn't seem to be an in between. I don't do well with being yelled at. These kids can sure find my hot buttons fast! :) Yesterday he was in time out for what felt like every other 10 minutes. He is the sweetest thing around at times. Just last night while I sang him his bed time song he sang along with me and patted my face so gently. Good moment.

I don't want to paint a rosy picture about our current lives. Because there are several crying myself to sleep nights. I struggle to bond and extend compassion to these still. I fervently ask to have the Father's heart for these kids. I was looking back at old pictures and found pictures of our Round 2 boys. My heart broke again. The questions flooded in...how big are they now? What do they look like? Are they safe? Are they happy? Why didn't we get to keep them? And the tears come so quickly. Lots of anger and bitterness swell inside and I acknowledge my tantrum in front of the Lord and I ask for forgiveness again.

The times are many when I want to throw in the towel. It hurts. It's hard. It's dirty. It's stressful. And I so struggle with selfishness. What about me Lord? These kids are safe and good and happy now. But what about me? Well..I am to deny myself and I am to look after the orphans in their distress.  Am I good at it? Um no. Is it possible? Not if it's just me trying to do something good. I can not yell this loud enough...ANY good in me is Jesus. My heart is wicked and selfish. But Jesus uses this ugly, broken, stained, selfish heart because of His radical grace and mercy. Good moment.

Will you pray with us as we get closer to these court hearings? We don't know if we'll ever have to make a permanent decision about these kids, but we want to be unified. Will you pray for wisdom for us as we parent these kids who have some unknowns in their past? We want them to know Jesus and to know that He redeems what has been broken or scarred.  Thank you all for your continual support, prayers and encouragement to us. We have an amazing support system. I can't say that enough!!

It's coming...

That thing that I always heard from others... "Before you know it he'll be starting kindergarten!"... it's here. We have meet the teacher on Thursday and there's just no way that can be right. 

I thought having all these other kids in the house would help with this big, new transition for me. And I guess it has a little because I don't really have much spare time to think about it. But in the still and quiet of nap time here I sit crying and trying to wrap my head around it. 

He's got his school supplies. He's got his backpack and lunch box. He's got his new school clothes and his first day of school shirt that he picked out himself. He's ready. But I'm not so sure. 

I come from a family of criers. When one starts we all start (we're sympathy criers!) and it does not take much to get us going. At this point I'm just praying I make it out to the car before it comes! I'm not typically a sappy person, but I barely made it through meet the teacher last year for PRESCHOOL! My goodness woman pull yourself together! Like I couldn't even speak to his teacher because the tears were already welling up. 

This means he's not my little baby anymore. 

He's grown out of needing me for a lot of things. 

And it's so fun to see the gifts that the Lord has placed in him!

 But I'm going to miss my Lukey. And I'm going to miss his little kid-ness. And I'm not ready for him to go to college!! (Insert crying hysterically emoticon!) 

Oh my sweet Lukey-pookey. The Lord gave me my heart's desire through you. I love being your mommy. I love watching you accept whatever foster child comes into our home as your own brother or sister. I love seeing the Lord's compassion and love in you and it makes my heart burst when I see you extend that to others. You defend others in need (so much so that we have to remind you we're the authority!). You make us smile and laugh all the time. I can not wait to see what big plans the Lord has in store for you.  I know you're a bit worried about this new big school and a new teacher and new classmates. And that's why I'm praying this verse over you as begin this new journey... "Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love." I pray that you always know Who stands beside you and goes before you no matter where you go or what you face. I love you Bubba.

We're a family of seven. SEVEN. Part 2

For Part 1 click here

Jonathan got to the apartments and when the door was opened R ran past her mom straight to Jonathan so excited to see him. He hugged her then put her down and told her to say hi to her mom. He took a trash bag of dirty clothes for her then headed out. He had given mom an opportunity to spend more time with R over a meal at McDonalds and she turned him down. He got R home and the first thing out of her mouth when she walked inside was “Will you read me a Bible story?” 

I want to pause here and point out one of the many places the Lord had prepared a way for us during this week. Their mom had been sick a week before we found out she was using. There was one day when she couldn’t get the kids from daycare so she added me to the list of approved people to pick them up. I walked into the daycare that day and began the process of picking up the kids with no problem. Z was excited to see me and so was baby sister. I gathered their stuff then headed home. I left a message with CPS to let them know what was going on and that all the kids were safe at our home. 

Amanda brought our boys over and we observed what our crazy life was about to look like. All three kids were officially placed with us Thursday, July 24th, Z’s 2nd birthday. We had run to the store to grab some cupcakes and stuck a “2” candle on top. We sang to him and took a few pictures. What a birthday memory...

I have to be honest, I don’t want you to think we’re some sort of saints who just swept in to save all the babies. I stepped in to save the babies and then thought “well crap...now what??” I wanted them safe, but I didn’t necessarily want their “safe” to be back with me. I was angry with the Lord. I was especially upset with Him when I had to open the tub of little boy and baby clothes. The same clothes that our Round 2 boys had worn when they were with us were laying right on top. I yelled at God, “Really?!?! I wasn’t ready to open this tub yet!” I pulled out what I needed for Z and baby sister and started throwing the rest back in as hard as I could. 

Then that Friday we left for a week long trip that had been scheduled for months. We were a bit cramped...

It was so great to have the extra hands as we processed all of this. R opened up to my future brother in law, Dyllon. She told him, “God saved me by bringing me to Katy and J’s house. And I don’t have bad dreams anymore.” That was the Lord’s voice speaking to me through a 3-year old. That melted the anger and made me aware of the spiritual battle that we were in the middle of. So again we pray over these kids because their lives depend on it. Again we share the gospel and become the hands and feet of Christ. Again we have to fall at the foot of the throne to be filled every moment. 

He continues to give us more than we can handle. He throws things our way that are impossible for us to do in our own strength. We have to rely purely on Him or we’ll never make it. When we began this journey we signed up for ONE baby. We got TWO not babies (R and Z). Then after we had gotten comfortable with 4 kids we got four again but Little Mister had the most extreme adjustment I had ever seen, requiring much energy from both Jonathan and I, and an infant who needed to be fed every 3 hours. And now, because getting two familiar kids wouldn’t challenge us enough He added their baby sister for a total of SEVEN (maxing out our suburban!). 

We’re not sure what this is going to look like for us. We have an existing relationship with the bio mom which is strained now from broken trust and CPS being in the middle. It’s past R and Z’s year mark of their initial removal requiring an extension. It’s also baby sister’s initial removal so her timeline doesn’t necessarily line up with theirs. It’s a lot of paper work and being told what to do again. 

We don't know if mom will get them back or not. We don't know what visits look like yet. We don't know much of anything. BUT we continue to place our hope in Jesus because we’ll sink if we don’t. He is the Author and Perfecter. He knew this was all going to happen and He knows what is to come. And that right there is the biggest relief to a foster parent. 

Already so many people have stepped in and given us clothes and hair accessories, provided fun entertainment for them and set up meals for us. We are blown away by the outpouring of the body of Christ. It is truly humbling and amazing. Thank you all for your help, prayers and support as we start down this familiar road. 

We're a Family of Seven. SEVEN. Part 1

Our world was turned upside down about two weeks ago. The Mitchells are now a family of SEVEN. You have to know that this was not on our radar at all. If you’ll remember from my last post we were going to take a break...It’s funny how the Lord works! 

We have stayed in touch with Round 1’s mom since they returned in April. We would meet up for dinner or lunch or hang out and all play together. We enjoyed still being able to be a part in R and Z’s life. We have walked through several struggles with their mom and have helped where we could. 

I’ve known their mom for almost a year now. I’ve celebrated some momentous victories and been there to pray with her when she was down in the valley. Trying to take every opportunity to share the gospel and God’s grace with her. About a week ago I knew something was going on that she wasn’t letting me in on. We had had an interaction about a week ago that just didn’t sit right with me. I told Jonathan my concern and he said “maybe she is bipolar” and for whatever reason I replied with “what if she’s using?”

The story began to unfold days later. She had been using and as a result was kicked out of the shelter where she and the kids were living and lost her job. She tip toed around it and we had to basically pull it out of her. Jonathan stopped by where she lived to check on her (she wasn’t returning my calls or texts) and she admitted everything to him. He asked where the kids were and she said day care. When Jonathan sat down to talk to mom she told him that Z and baby sister were at day care but R was somewhere else.

That somewhere else was the meth house where all the distributing and transactions take place. I was on the phone with him at this point when we found out where she was. Hand of the Lord moment, it was the best thing in the world that Jonathan was there having that conversation with mom and not me. When I heard where R was I saw red. I have never been that angry in my life. It took a toll on me physically. My arms started shaking and my hands were going numb. Mom tried to talk Jonathan into letting her have one more night with R before CPS took her away and Jonathan calmly said, “I think that choice has already been made. She can’t stay there.” He followed mom over there to pick R up. 

As he was getting prayed up to be prepared for whatever was ahead of him...I went in to a frenzy trying to leave the house to pick up the other two kids at daycare. I called my mom sobbing trying to explain things. She told me I needed to call CPS and let them know what was happening so no one thought we were trying to snatch these kids. She also told me, “You have got to calm down or CPS won’t give you these kids either!” Ha! So true! My boys were napping, I’m sure I scared the life out of them, and I ran into their room yelling, “Get up! Get up! Put your shoes on! We’ve got to go!” While they were stumbling around in their groggy slumber I called my neighbor to borrow a car seat. She brought it over as I was trying to move car seats around in our car. Seeing me in my frantic state she said, “Do you want me to just keep the boys?” Yes! What a great idea! We have a great support group!! Have I said that before?! I can’t say it enough! 

I headed toward the day care and called my sister in law. I was a wreck. I could not stop crying but finally got out what was happening with Jonathan and where I was headed. I was able to calm down and she began to pray for Jonathan’s safety. 

Read Part 2 here.

Extended Break

I've wanted to write, but have struggled with what to say. I guess I'll start with - we're taking a break from fostering. We did not come to this decision easily, but think it's the best for our family right now. We have some other areas of ministry that have recently taken the front seat. We're not sure what the Lord has in store with that for the fall, but we're trusting Him to give us wisdom and discernment. My sister is also getting married in December (yay!) and as the end of the year gets closer we'll be getting busier and busier!

I'm still in the midst of the healing process. I was talking to my sister-in-law, who also does fostering, about the grieving. We don't get updates on the boys and we won't. It's really hard to move on or heal when there's no closure. I don't know if they're being taken care of well or not. That's hard for me as a planner and control freak. While I have made a lot of progress with healing it still hurts my heart. Every baby I see reminds me of sweet Baby Boy. Heck anytime I see a baby carseat when we're out my heart stops! I hear a little boy yell or laugh and I think it's Little Mister. It still hurts but I feel the Lord softening my heart little by little towards the idea of Round 3. And when I say "little by little" I really mean like microscopically.... I'm nowhere near ready, but I can at least see it happening down the road.

My heart aches to have a child that no one else governs or decides things for. Where I actually have a say in what happens. That I don't have to take to visitations every week. That's probably selfish of me. I can admit that.

Fostering is hard, and confusing, and frustrating (among other choice words). You try to give kids what they need (Jesus, love, stability, family) at the same time agencies/CPS/attorneys are making decisions for kids they see maybe once a month. Case in point - I got a call from Little Mister and Baby Boy's attorney ad litem last week. I froze. Was he calling to tell me they're coming back? Is something wrong? No. He was calling to ask to schedule a visit that afternoon to come see the boys. We haven't had them for almost two months and he's calling about a visit. Then as if the phone call wasn't frustrating enough he responds, "Oh! I see that here in my notes. I guess I should have read that before I called."

We loved hard this time. Ran towards it with open arms. And it stabbed me in the heart. So why would I want to keep running towards it? I don't really have an eloquent answer. I don't really want to right now. I don't think we're done with fostering forever, but the Lord is still mending my broken heart.

As if you still somehow think that my life is all pulled together can I tell you that I'm really struggling? After the boys left I sulked for a while. I got lazy because I only had two kids instead of 4. I didn't have a baby who needed to be fed every 3-4 hours. And Luke and Parker are at a great age right now! They are relatively independent and don't need much. So I would escape through Pintrest, Facebook, Instagram, etc. I'm still kind of in that slump. My environment doesn't necessarily throw me to the foot of the cross every day anymore. I've gotten back in the mindset of controlling things myself and not needing Him unless it gets REALLY bad.

Self-justification is a sink hole. Me thinking that I don't need a Redeemer is so self-righteous. The Lord is not a genie in a bottle waiting to grant wishes. I don't get to just put Him on the shelf when life seems to be going ok. I so desperately need a Savior. So I confess my pride and selfishness to a gracious and loving Father. And I seek to find a way to be in fellowship with Him constantly even when life isn't running at a fast pace.

Heartbroken

Deep breaths....deep breaths....

My heart broke last Wednesday at 4:30 p.m. I got a call from the boys' CPS worker. She had some news..."the boys' mom has gotten into a rehab center that allows kids. She'll be leaving tomorrow and I'll be coming to get the boys from you early next week..." I hit my knees. I couldn't speak. I got off the phone and held my precious 17 month old as I wept. I then called Jonathan (who had Luke and Parker) and told him he needed to get home now. I sobbed and held my babies until he arrived.

He walked through the door and straight to me. He knew something had happened. I tried to get the words out and try to make sense of what I was saying. He sat and held me as we held these precious boys the Lord had brought to us.

I asked our agency worker if this had ever happened...she said "Not this fast." "Why Lord?" I cried out, "I thought these were our boys. The ones who would complete our family!" I face timed my mom (I wanted her to see why I wasn't able to speak...) She saw my face and said, "Oh, what's wrong??" And I began to cry even more as I told her the news. We began to tell family and some close friends and the encouragement and prayers began to flow in.

Can I tell you that I'm angry?! But while trying to cling to my Father through this He has shown me something about my anger. It's not all "righteous anger" like I would like to think it is. It is anger rooted in selfishness and pride. It is anger that says "I don't want my heart to hurt so much. I've never felt this much pain in my life!!" It is anger that says "I would be a better mom to them!!" And before you respond back with "But Katy! You are a better mom than SHE is!" I have to tell you...she has her sin and I have mine. And how dare I think that because my sin hasn't caused my kids to be taken away that I'm any better than she is?! To say I have a right to be angry and upset about this is to say in my heart "I don't trust You, Lord. You are not a just God. I need to tell everyone my frustrations or nothing will change." Bull$@!#.

Thursday, was Luke's last day of preschool and his graduation (Seriously Lord?!? Have I not cried enough these past few days???). As I sat holding this precious baby during nap time I was encouraged by my SIL to cling to Him not truths about Him. I asked "How do I do that?!?" and she said "Yes! That's the question." I scrolled through Twitter and saw this tweet from Kelly Minter

I thought why not...I read 1 and 2 John and was finding some neat things. Then I got to 3 John...

I read "Beloved" and it was as if the Lord Himself was speaking to me. Like He was sitting on that couch with me. My insides turned and I kept reading. This was for me. He's talking to me. They're really going to leave. But I know what He's called me to..."send them on their journey in a manner worthy of God. For they have gone out for the sake of the name..." Deep breaths....Deep breaths...

I can't shout from the rooftops enough how gracious God is. He knows what's going to happen. I don't. But in His grace and mercy He speaks to me in the secret and quiet of nap time. His peace washes over me. I still don't understand this. And I am still grieving the loss of my boys. But such holy peace I feel washing over me.

Yesterday I took every little thing in. The last nap time, the last dinner, the last goodnight kiss. After all the big boys were in bed I sat and rocked Baby Boy. Just me and him. And I told him I loved him so so much, but that Jesus loved him more. And I prayed over him and I told him I loved him over and over. And he just laid there so still looking right into my eyes.

Jonathan took the day off to be with us. Oh my heart hurts. It yearns to be a mommy to those precious boys. We were both so weepy all morning waiting for CPS to show up. She came and asked some discharge questions and we packed them up. I couldn't even watch her pull away. I didn't make it back to the house before I lost it. Jonathan held me and we cried together. We are so heartbroken and trust that the Lord will bind our broken hearts.

So where do we go from here...we don't know. Our Father has a good track record. Even when we don't know what comes next He does and He is trustworthy and loves us. So we may take the summer to rest in Him. Or He may change our hearts and have us start up again sooner. We continue to trust His perfect timing and plan.

Round 2 has been the hardest thing I've had to walk through. I have seen the body of Christ rise up around us in such an amazing way. To have people shoulder this burden of hurt with us is so humbling. These kids were their kids too. A part of their families and their hearts too. It doesn't lessen the hurt and grief, but how sweet it is to not have to hurt alone. We treasure you guys. From bringing meals, to praying, to crying with us. We love you guys.