Trusting

Jonathan and I hear the Lord saying, "trust Me" these days. That's a common Christianese term that I throw out there easily. People hear our story for the first time and I throw in a "Oh we're just trusting the Lord!" like it's no big deal. It is a big deal. 

Today after lunch I was wiping Little Miss' hands and noticed this...

Lots of little splinters that we had somehow missed seeing. Ugh not exactly what I wanted to worry about right before nap time. I wanted my "me time". I got the needle, tweezers and a wipe and started at it. Some were more infected than others. I would get pieces out that were towards the top with ease. It was the part that was deeper that made her squirm. 

She was growing impatient and asked "Do you have to do this?" I answered, "Yes I do or it will get more infected. Do you trust me?" Her innocent 3 year old answer, "Yes." It was easy for her to trust me when it didn't hurt. It may be an inconvenience to her but it didn't really hurt. It was when I got to the deeper part that the tears began to come. "Katy it hurts!" And I responded, "I know baby. I'm so sorry. I don't like hurting you. Do you trust me?" And she cried, "I don't want to!"

That's when we both started crying. Oh I know exactly how she felt. Sure God, I'll take in three extra kids. It's kind of an inconvenience, but I trust You no big deal. And when we're past that sweet honeymoon stage and our days and weeks start filling up with things that aren't easy, and I'm screaming on the inside because she is intentionally peeing in her diaper, and Little Man is screaming at the top of his lungs, and Baby Sister is fussing and wanting to be held....the Lord whispers "Do you trust Me?" And I yell back, "I don't want to!" 

There are things that the Lord is purifying in me. He's digging deeper into the wound to prevent infection. And as a parent, I know I have to inflict pain to get splinters out because it must be done. The pain now will be worth it compared to the pain that would come if I let it fester. This was such a sweet lesson the Lord allowed me to see today. He isn't throwing three extra children at me to watch me suffer and to cause pain. He is giving me the privilege of three extra children as a tool to mold me, to dig out impurities and to show areas I need to surrender to Him because He loves me and knows what is in my best interest!

So now when the days drag on and are clouded by so much uncertainty and He asks, "Do you trust Me?" I will answer, "I don't really want to because it hurts. But I know You are trustworthy and faithful. Help me to trust You." What a compassionate and kind Heavenly Father we have. 

A Good Moment

Right here, right now. This is a good moment. I'm currently sitting on my couch with the lights on. You may be wondering why on earth is that a good moment?!? Let me tell you... Nap time has been rough for us lately. I have had to separate everyone so they will sleep. Here's the catch...this house that fit us perfectly as a family of 4 is now busting at the seams with us as a family of 7 (dang, I still haven't gotten used to that number!).

Here's the usual set up: Parkerman in his bottom bunk bed, Little Man in his crib, Little Miss in my room and Baby Sister in the pack and play in the living room. Don't know if you caught it, but that leaves a corner in the kitchen for me :) But not today!! Today is the blessed first day of 3 year old Preschool and Mother's Day Out for the boys. Can I get an amen?! So today... Little Miss is in her bed and Baby Sister is in her bed leaving me on the couch with the lights on!

You have to look for the good moments because around this house they seem scarce. Or maybe I haven't been looking hard enough. This round has been especially tough. I thought we didn't get a honeymoon stage this time around because of all the familiarity. I tried to prepare myself by saying "This has got to be God's mercy on us because it can't always be this good and easy right?!?" Right. That's exactly right. It has not been that good or easy since that first two weeks.

I sent a voice memo to my family the other day of the kids playing and running through the house. They scared a few people who were standing by while they listened (whatever it takes to get more prayer!!) Dad asked if I needed his ear protection and I thought that's a great Christmas present idea! Five kids 5 yrs and under is a rowdy, loud, fussy, make you want to pull your hair out group. BUT there are those moments that you hope for...someone asking nicely to take a turn with a toy and the other saying yes and sharing (say what?!), someone doing a silly dance to make the baby smile, hearing sweet "goodnights" and "I love you J!" "I love you Katy!" You've got to hold on to those because they seem few and far between.

Here's where we are in our cases...Mom has a hearing for Baby Sister at the end of this month. From what we can gather she will be getting her "plan" to work back toward reunification. Since this is Baby Sister's initial removal she's getting a chance to start over. Little Man and Little Miss have a hearing at the end of November. From what we have heard that is the end of Mom's 4 month extension for this case. We've also heard that it is likely the judge will want to make this the final hearing for their case because their year anniversary of removal was back in June. While this makes us have serious conversations about what our next step will be...we've learned nothing about fostering/CPS/hearings are final until it's done.

The kids have been with us for a little over a month. We've seen a lot of increased negative behaviors since our "honeymoon" phase. Little Miss has reverted (she was previously potty trained) and seems to have no desire to want to change this. We have tried everything and it has been frustrating. After great advice from my sister in law, the Lord has change my attitude toward Little Miss while we continue to change diapers for a 3.5 year old. It's a bending of the will situation and only the Lord can change that heart issue. I've never prayed so much about going potty! :) Today we took Baby Sister to get her ECI evaluation and Little Miss sat on the couch as we waited. She put her feet in the seat and I reminded her shoes don't go on the couch and she replied, "Yes ma'am." Good moment.

Little Man either whispers all sweet his "thank you", "yeah!", "ok" or he is shrieking/yelling. There doesn't seem to be an in between. I don't do well with being yelled at. These kids can sure find my hot buttons fast! :) Yesterday he was in time out for what felt like every other 10 minutes. He is the sweetest thing around at times. Just last night while I sang him his bed time song he sang along with me and patted my face so gently. Good moment.

I don't want to paint a rosy picture about our current lives. Because there are several crying myself to sleep nights. I struggle to bond and extend compassion to these still. I fervently ask to have the Father's heart for these kids. I was looking back at old pictures and found pictures of our Round 2 boys. My heart broke again. The questions flooded in...how big are they now? What do they look like? Are they safe? Are they happy? Why didn't we get to keep them? And the tears come so quickly. Lots of anger and bitterness swell inside and I acknowledge my tantrum in front of the Lord and I ask for forgiveness again.

The times are many when I want to throw in the towel. It hurts. It's hard. It's dirty. It's stressful. And I so struggle with selfishness. What about me Lord? These kids are safe and good and happy now. But what about me? Well..I am to deny myself and I am to look after the orphans in their distress.  Am I good at it? Um no. Is it possible? Not if it's just me trying to do something good. I can not yell this loud enough...ANY good in me is Jesus. My heart is wicked and selfish. But Jesus uses this ugly, broken, stained, selfish heart because of His radical grace and mercy. Good moment.

Will you pray with us as we get closer to these court hearings? We don't know if we'll ever have to make a permanent decision about these kids, but we want to be unified. Will you pray for wisdom for us as we parent these kids who have some unknowns in their past? We want them to know Jesus and to know that He redeems what has been broken or scarred.  Thank you all for your continual support, prayers and encouragement to us. We have an amazing support system. I can't say that enough!!