Heartbroken

Deep breaths....deep breaths....

My heart broke last Wednesday at 4:30 p.m. I got a call from the boys' CPS worker. She had some news..."the boys' mom has gotten into a rehab center that allows kids. She'll be leaving tomorrow and I'll be coming to get the boys from you early next week..." I hit my knees. I couldn't speak. I got off the phone and held my precious 17 month old as I wept. I then called Jonathan (who had Luke and Parker) and told him he needed to get home now. I sobbed and held my babies until he arrived.

He walked through the door and straight to me. He knew something had happened. I tried to get the words out and try to make sense of what I was saying. He sat and held me as we held these precious boys the Lord had brought to us.

I asked our agency worker if this had ever happened...she said "Not this fast." "Why Lord?" I cried out, "I thought these were our boys. The ones who would complete our family!" I face timed my mom (I wanted her to see why I wasn't able to speak...) She saw my face and said, "Oh, what's wrong??" And I began to cry even more as I told her the news. We began to tell family and some close friends and the encouragement and prayers began to flow in.

Can I tell you that I'm angry?! But while trying to cling to my Father through this He has shown me something about my anger. It's not all "righteous anger" like I would like to think it is. It is anger rooted in selfishness and pride. It is anger that says "I don't want my heart to hurt so much. I've never felt this much pain in my life!!" It is anger that says "I would be a better mom to them!!" And before you respond back with "But Katy! You are a better mom than SHE is!" I have to tell you...she has her sin and I have mine. And how dare I think that because my sin hasn't caused my kids to be taken away that I'm any better than she is?! To say I have a right to be angry and upset about this is to say in my heart "I don't trust You, Lord. You are not a just God. I need to tell everyone my frustrations or nothing will change." Bull$@!#.

Thursday, was Luke's last day of preschool and his graduation (Seriously Lord?!? Have I not cried enough these past few days???). As I sat holding this precious baby during nap time I was encouraged by my SIL to cling to Him not truths about Him. I asked "How do I do that?!?" and she said "Yes! That's the question." I scrolled through Twitter and saw this tweet from Kelly Minter

I thought why not...I read 1 and 2 John and was finding some neat things. Then I got to 3 John...

I read "Beloved" and it was as if the Lord Himself was speaking to me. Like He was sitting on that couch with me. My insides turned and I kept reading. This was for me. He's talking to me. They're really going to leave. But I know what He's called me to..."send them on their journey in a manner worthy of God. For they have gone out for the sake of the name..." Deep breaths....Deep breaths...

I can't shout from the rooftops enough how gracious God is. He knows what's going to happen. I don't. But in His grace and mercy He speaks to me in the secret and quiet of nap time. His peace washes over me. I still don't understand this. And I am still grieving the loss of my boys. But such holy peace I feel washing over me.

Yesterday I took every little thing in. The last nap time, the last dinner, the last goodnight kiss. After all the big boys were in bed I sat and rocked Baby Boy. Just me and him. And I told him I loved him so so much, but that Jesus loved him more. And I prayed over him and I told him I loved him over and over. And he just laid there so still looking right into my eyes.

Jonathan took the day off to be with us. Oh my heart hurts. It yearns to be a mommy to those precious boys. We were both so weepy all morning waiting for CPS to show up. She came and asked some discharge questions and we packed them up. I couldn't even watch her pull away. I didn't make it back to the house before I lost it. Jonathan held me and we cried together. We are so heartbroken and trust that the Lord will bind our broken hearts.

So where do we go from here...we don't know. Our Father has a good track record. Even when we don't know what comes next He does and He is trustworthy and loves us. So we may take the summer to rest in Him. Or He may change our hearts and have us start up again sooner. We continue to trust His perfect timing and plan.

Round 2 has been the hardest thing I've had to walk through. I have seen the body of Christ rise up around us in such an amazing way. To have people shoulder this burden of hurt with us is so humbling. These kids were their kids too. A part of their families and their hearts too. It doesn't lessen the hurt and grief, but how sweet it is to not have to hurt alone. We treasure you guys. From bringing meals, to praying, to crying with us. We love you guys.

Even when I don't feel like it...

I got a call around 11 AM this morning from CPS saying they needed to schedule a 2 hour visitation with the boys' mom. We are still waiting to hear back about Little Mister's hair follicle test he took Tuesday. I was a little confused as to why they would go ahead and schedule a visitation when we were waiting on these results.

I didn't stop crying for the rest of the day. Here's the thing...when Round 1 came to our home I felt like the Lord said "these won't be in your home forever." It was hard to get in the groove on that one. I was guarded at first because I was scared to hurt. Then I felt like the baby sitter. Then I asked the Lord to change my heart to be open and love them. I loved them but they never felt like my own kids. That's not the case this time.

I didn't hear a "these won't be in your home forever." I heard "it's going to be hard" with no end result revealed. It has already proven to be just that in the short time we've had these boys. They feel like our own kids. I don't know why it's different this time around.

I called my mom to tell her visitation had been scheduled today and I was so angry. She kept saying love them but guard your heart. After taking some time to think about that... guarding my heart... I came to this conclusion (and told my mom)...I don't know if I can fully love these boys if I'm guarding my heart. I started out guarded the first time around and I didn't interact with them like I wanted to. We don't tell people we're going to adopt these boys, but if they ask if we would adopt them we say "in a heartbeat!" The Lord knows our hearts. I have to love them like they're mine. That's why I'm in this. If they don't end up in our home He knows that and He will mend my broken heart. To which she responded, "You are so right...I guess I am just still trying to protect MY baby's heart..." And then I began to cry even more.

Today's been one of those really hard, messy, hurt my heart days. I've cried a lot. I cry out to God not knowing what to say or pray. I want their mom to find Jesus and experience redemption. But I'm also desperately in love with these boys and want to make them ours forever.

So as I sit here waiting for them to return from visitation it's hard for me to think God is faithful and sovereign because I don't know how this ends yet. I know His track record. He IS faithful and sovereign. And that's the thing. He is a good Father, He is my hope, He is my strength and comfort. Even when I don't feel like He is. How I'm feeling doesn't effect that TRUTH. He is all those things. I will proclaim it...even when I don't feel like it.