I've wanted to write, but have struggled with what to say. I guess I'll start with - we're taking a break from fostering. We did not come to this decision easily, but think it's the best for our family right now. We have some other areas of ministry that have recently taken the front seat. We're not sure what the Lord has in store with that for the fall, but we're trusting Him to give us wisdom and discernment. My sister is also getting married in December (yay!) and as the end of the year gets closer we'll be getting busier and busier!
I'm still in the midst of the healing process. I was talking to my sister-in-law, who also does fostering, about the grieving. We don't get updates on the boys and we won't. It's really hard to move on or heal when there's no closure. I don't know if they're being taken care of well or not. That's hard for me as a planner and control freak. While I have made a lot of progress with healing it still hurts my heart. Every baby I see reminds me of sweet Baby Boy. Heck anytime I see a baby carseat when we're out my heart stops! I hear a little boy yell or laugh and I think it's Little Mister. It still hurts but I feel the Lord softening my heart little by little towards the idea of Round 3. And when I say "little by little" I really mean like microscopically.... I'm nowhere near ready, but I can at least see it happening down the road.
My heart aches to have a child that no one else governs or decides things for. Where I actually have a say in what happens. That I don't have to take to visitations every week. That's probably selfish of me. I can admit that.
Fostering is hard, and confusing, and frustrating (among other choice words). You try to give kids what they need (Jesus, love, stability, family) at the same time agencies/CPS/attorneys are making decisions for kids they see maybe once a month. Case in point - I got a call from Little Mister and Baby Boy's attorney ad litem last week. I froze. Was he calling to tell me they're coming back? Is something wrong? No. He was calling to ask to schedule a visit that afternoon to come see the boys. We haven't had them for almost two months and he's calling about a visit. Then as if the phone call wasn't frustrating enough he responds, "Oh! I see that here in my notes. I guess I should have read that before I called."
We loved hard this time. Ran towards it with open arms. And it stabbed me in the heart. So why would I want to keep running towards it? I don't really have an eloquent answer. I don't really want to right now. I don't think we're done with fostering forever, but the Lord is still mending my broken heart.
As if you still somehow think that my life is all pulled together can I tell you that I'm really struggling? After the boys left I sulked for a while. I got lazy because I only had two kids instead of 4. I didn't have a baby who needed to be fed every 3-4 hours. And Luke and Parker are at a great age right now! They are relatively independent and don't need much. So I would escape through Pintrest, Facebook, Instagram, etc. I'm still kind of in that slump. My environment doesn't necessarily throw me to the foot of the cross every day anymore. I've gotten back in the mindset of controlling things myself and not needing Him unless it gets REALLY bad.
Self-justification is a sink hole. Me thinking that I don't need a Redeemer is so self-righteous. The Lord is not a genie in a bottle waiting to grant wishes. I don't get to just put Him on the shelf when life seems to be going ok. I so desperately need a Savior. So I confess my pride and selfishness to a gracious and loving Father. And I seek to find a way to be in fellowship with Him constantly even when life isn't running at a fast pace.
