Too long for a Facebook status

It's happening. My heart is shattering. I'm bursting into tears at random times (more than usual anyway). 

Baby #3 is here and appears to be healthy and whole. Thank you Jesus! Mom took baby home with her. We will start extended unsupervised visits tomorrow. 

I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me this week. I knew this was a possibility, but now it's the official plan. 

We went to the hospital to visit. Before we left, mom called and said that dad had just gotten out of jail (he was supposed to be in for 15 years) and was up at the hospital. Another rug pulled out from under me. I had written him off. No need to worry about something that wouldn't be happening for 15 years. She sent him away when we headed up there (because he doesn't have a service plan yet and is not allowed to see them). I no longer felt safe heading up there by myself so Amanda graciously watched our boys while Jonathan and I took the littles up to the hospital. 

Mom was waiting for us in the parking lot. We walked up and waited for the nurses to bring the baby back in. It was good she had some one on one time with them before baby was there. It's strange to see them with her. There's not the same comfort there like there is with us. Baby eventually came in and we took family pictures with all 4 of them. Little Miss got to feed baby a bottle. It was humorous watching her try to shove it down baby's mouth!

While we were there mom told me, "When I get the kids back I really want to stay in touch with you guys. They love you guys." And the opposite ends of the spectrum of emotions begin again. That's what I wanted. I want to be there to help, support and care for her and the kids any way I can. But it hurt my heart to think I wouldn't be their "momma" any more. 

We left and went out to dinner to celebrate a good friends birthday. It was such a fun and adventurous distraction from everything. 

Today I've done alright. Tried to hold them a little longer that usual. Forced more kisses on them. And then I got another call from CPS. It seems they will be trying to set up visitations for dad. What!?!?! I yelled on the inside!! He just got out of jail and you're going to let him see them?!?! He's basically a stranger to these kids! Little Man already has a hard time going to see mom and they expect me to hand him over to dad?? I've seen that look of terror and betrayal in their eyes as I hand them over and take them back. I've cried with Little Miss. We've come so far just to start over? Granted this is only happening if he can stay clean.

A dear friend sent me an email with a song this morning before we found all of this out. Here are the lyrics: 

You said you'd never leave or forsake me

When you said, this life is gonna shake me

And you said this world is gonna bring trouble on my soul

This I know

When everything falls apart your arms hold me together

When everything falls apart you're the only hope for this heart

When everything falls apart and my strength is gone

I find you mighty and strong, you keep holding on

You keep holding on

When I see the darkness all around me

When I see that tragedy has found me

I still believe your faithful arms will never let me go

And still I know

Sorrow will last for the night

But hope is rising with the sun, its rising with the sun

There will be storms in this life

But I know You will overcome, you have overcome

Fee - Everything Falls

The thing I can and have to cling on to is that He is there to hold me through all the uncertainties. Another friend shared the verse in Exodus with me today that says "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." This may be the first time in a while I have had a battle where there was nothing I could do in my own strength. You know I've had the battles where I try this and I try that and nothing works and then I eventually hand it over to the Lord. This isn't one of those. I don't have anything to try here. I don't have a play. I can only be still and let Him fight. 

Just like with my own kids, I know the Lord loves Little Miss and Little Man more than I or their mom ever could. Even when I don't understand what is happening around me I know He is good. I know He is sovereign. And I know He is trustworthy. I've seen it with my own eyes. There are so many times in my life He's proven Himself to be all of those things and more. This time is no different. It's still hard when you're in the trenches. But I'm not standing still alone. 

It's time...

This week is what I've been waiting for since the weekend we got the kiddos in October. This week their mom will be having baby #3.

The week before Christmas we met with the kids' CPS worker for her monthly visit. During that visit she told us what was discussed at the most recent Permanency Conference. If mom keeps doing like she's doing and baby #3 does not test positive for drugs at birth they will move forward with reunification. She will have time to adjust to new baby then they will start unsupervised extended visits (3-4 hrs a week) with mom where she is staying. My heart began to sink. If things go well with that they will then move forward with weekend visits with mom (probably an every other kind of situation). My heart breaks.

Here I've been asking friends to pray that I would be able to let my guard down to bond with them. To love them even though it feels like I'm just the babysitter sometimes. And the Lord has answered that! Just in time for CPS to set up a reunification plan…It doesn't look the same as with my kids but there's definitely a bond.

The next day was their visitation with mom. Jonathan stayed at home with our boys so I could run some errands after I dropped the littles off. I ended up crying the whole way from visitation to Target. Crying out to the Lord, "My heart hurts so bad!" It took me a while to compose myself before I could actually walk in to Target. (Our family has a splotchy crying face curse or the crying Rudolph nose) I wanted to get mom a Christmas card and I stood in the card aisle at Target for a while. There's not really a card section for this kind of thing…

Their visitation went well and we packed down our Explorer to begin our Christmas travels. I'll have to blog about the coming back to Abilene adventures soon!

So this week mom will have her baby. She has asked for the kids to come up to the hospital to see her and the baby. I had already thought about going to visit her after baby comes. I don't know if she has friends. The part that makes me a little uncomfortable is taking two kids two years and under into a hospital room with lots of "no touches" while their biological mom watches me potentially get on to her  kids right in front of her.

Will you pray that the Lord will use me when we make this trip to the hospital? Will you pray that the Lord will begin to prepare my momma's heart as we might start moving toward reunification? And for the boys. Luke is particularly attached to Little Miss. It's going to break his heart if she goes back and that's going to rip my heart out of my chest. Thank you for being apart of this journey with us. We truly are so blessed to have an incredible support system as we walk through this. We will keep you all posted.